June 17, 2004

A Piece Of Carrot Cake...

I am currently working on this with the help of my T. I recently went to a church barbecue. Food and lots of it! I did fine until it came to the desserts. There is front of me was the most delicious looking carrot cake. I just had to have a piece. I scraped away some extra frosting and slowly ate it trying to enjoy each morsel. Then came the onslaught of feelings. I felt guilty and my capris suddenly felt much tighter. Next, worry and panic set in . I have never been one to purge but I wanted this food out of me now! I was in a panic because there was no fast way out. Then I thought to myself that it will be a long time before I can eat again. I suddenly felt so very tired of this vicious cycle of negative feelings. I wished that it would just end...my life that is. I wasn't suicidal nor did I plan to take any action on my feelings but it just was such a lousy feeling to be back at this same old place...a trap after 35 years! Minutes then hours passed. I talked with other people at the barbecue, finally went home and spent some time on the phone with a relative who I did not share any of my feelings with. I finally became tired and went to bed for the night.

It's my hope that I can discover more of what's going on inside me as I write more. This post feels like it's incomplete....like I felt and though things but didn't notice them. As the time passes I'm going to try to take more notice of what things feel like and look like in me. I want to get better than I am!

Posted by Kathy on June 17, 2004 04:03 PM