February 18, 2006
Another Update
So many times I sit down to write, and my mind goes blank. There's all these things I want to say or write about, but there's so much of it-- I don't know where to start. And so I don't. I've been here six weeks already and there's no way I'd be ready to leave. Ann's insurance only pays for six weeks, so she's leaving at the beginning of March. I know for a FACT that if I were to leave right now-- I'd go right back to old behaviors.
It's so easy to fall back into old habits, old thought patterns. So easy. And then I find myself balancing precariously on the edge, not sure which direction to go. I haven't puked in two weeks now, but yet-- still eating. That in itself is torture on the mind. Then add to that the fact that I'm still about 800-900 calories BELOW what my supposed resting metabolic rate (RMR) is. About 1700-1800 calories a day. NOT factoring in the gym time. It's hard enough just getting in 800 calories a day, consistently, so to think of doubling my intake is terrifying. I already feel like I've gotten HUGE since I've been here, which isn't true--- (at least according to everyone else). But that doesn't make the thoughts go away.
Sometimes I wonder how I let things get this far, to end up at a treatment center. I always thought I could do it on my own; thought that I was strong enough. But maybe being "strong" is asking for help and NOT trying to do everything myself. I dunno. I know I can't go back to the way things used to be if I want a future, and a life with Pete and if I want to keep running. But at the same time, it seems so much easier to go back to what is familiar. I guess I have this warped idea that I can somehow hang onto the eating disorder and still have a normal life. I guess to me--- the word "recovery" is synonymous with "fat". I know that's not true, but in my head it is.
Even though I've been here six weeks already, I feel like I've barely taken any steps. Like I'm just getting started and the finish line is a LONG way off. I guess one way I'll know I'm ready to go home is when the idea of leaving here is exciting, or something I look forward to. Right now-- the idea of going back home is what scares me. Yeah, I miss Pete and my dogs, my sessions with Judy. School and work and my friends. But I know I'm not ready to go back to all that yet.
In the larger picture though-- giving up 3 months of my life to be here is insignificant when compared to the number of years I've had the eating disorder. 3 months out of 16 years is like one second out of a whole day.
Being here is definitely the hardest decision I've ever had to make. But I'm doing ok here. I have my good days and bad days, though most of the "bad" days are due to shitty body-image days. And when you feel like crap about yourself, everything else seems worse off as well. Just one more thing I'm working on in individual sessions.
I need to focus more on ME and take more time during the day/week to just write or paint or whatever. The last couple of weeks, most of my free time is spent with everyone else--- either going for a walk somewhere, or watching a movie or whatever. But I don't take the time to just sit and read or write. I haven't painted in a couple of weeks, and I miss it. Save for the finger painting project we did on Friday for the 4:15 group. Art Therapy. Definitely therapeutic. At least for me it is. But that's the first time in several weeks that I've painted.
I've finished 4 new paintings since I've been here, but I've got more canvas down in the art room waiting to be used. :) The "Westwind Collection" [laughs]. I'll probably leave a couple of them here, one for each house. I definitely want to keep a few of them, as reminders of not only my time here at Westwind, but reminders that I don't want to come back (as a client) after I walk out the door.
I guess right now, that's my long-term goal: to get to a place where I'm ready to leave, and not have to come back again. Maybe setting a date to leave will help. I can re-evaluate that date as it gets closer, but perhaps it will give me motivation. April 9 will be my 3-month mark, so maybe the first week of April?? I've been here 6 weeks already, so maybe 4-6 more weeks will be enough.
Posted by Wendy on February 18, 2006 12:11 PM
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Comments
wendy~i relate to so much of what you are saying! it's so easy to stick with what is "comfortable", but in reality, it doesn't work~ed has a way of taking so much away, and the older i get, i realize life is so short. recovery is hard, and your stay there is just a beginning~i believe it gets easier, thank goodness, but the fight is always a fight. body image sure is a hard thing to change~recovery means fat, oh how i relate to that. our minds have been ingrained with so much, that our thinking just isn't 'normal', whatever that may be. like a constant battle~on one hand, you want health, to run, to have a future, all those things, on the other hand, you want what is comfortable, the thinness, the identity, the friend ed makes us believe he is~i'm right there with ya girl! some days i wish i could just have them both. me, i know this isn't possible, but anorexia wants to hold on. body image sucks!!! i relate so well! hang in there, sounds like you know what you need to do! it's hard, and i'm fighting right along with you! remember, take that time for yourself, you are worth it, and in the long run, your body will thank you for it! remember, this time you are taking for you is just that second of one day compared to the rest of your life! keep your chin up girl! ~suzanne
Posted by: suzanne costephens at February 21, 2006 4:39 PM