January 22, 2006
Westwind Update
I'm getting into the routine of waking up about 8:10 a.m. and heading over to the other house for group therapy. Some days though, I'm flying out of bed at about 20 or 25 after, throwing on a hat and my coat and running out the door. The cold air hits and definitely wakes ya up! I've only slept through one morning group since I've been here, and that was due to the fact I'd had almost no sleep for two or three days in a row. Once I finally was able to sleep, I was OUT.
I like how unrestrictive things are here, but I also like the constancy and familiarity of the schedule during the week. It's the weekends that are hardest to tolerate. So much free time. Then again, that's one off the things I need to work on.... just BEING for awhile. Being able to sit still for a few moments at a time and not feel the need to jump up and do something. I've gotten quite well at multi-tasking over the years, but it's not necessarily beneficial. Especially when you do it ALL the time.
I'm looking forward to Pete coming up in February. It gives me something to look forward to. I'm also getting two new tattoos when he comes up. I don't remember if I've already posted about the tattoos, and I don't feel liike going back and looking through past messages.
I emailed mom last night, to see if she would order "The Anorexia Workbook" and "The Bulimia Workbook" for me, and have them sent here. I'm sooooo NOT used to asking for things.... I always feel too guilty for it. But she was happy that I'd even asked int he first place, so she's sending those up. I need something else to do during the day (and especially the weekends) when I have free time. It's easy to lose my focus and WHy I am here, when I only think about things during my group therapy times or individual therapy times. I figured having those workbooks to work on would help. Bryan says the bulimia workbook is the better of the two, because it is based on CBT (cognitive Behavioural Therapy), where the anorexia workbook is a bit of a different approach--- goal setting, etc. But, I figured I can use both of them.
Gram has asked a couple of times if there's anything I want or need. Said just to let her know. I haven't been able to bring myself to do it. I feel too bad about asking for things. Especially when right nnow-- it's really just material things... like art stuff, or books, or $$ for going out. Things I don't really NEED, but would use....... ugh....
i think we're going to go out and get a movie tonight. Just veg for the evening. A arrived today, so she's just now getting settled in and stuff, and I figured it might make things easier for her if we all just sorta stayed in tonight and watched a movie and got to know each other a bit. That'll at least make tomorrow go better for her, since she'll know a little bit about us before heading into group tomorrow morning.
I haven't cut since i've been here, but I've purged a few times. and I know I shouldn't have, cause I told myself I wasn't going to--- but it's thhe whole solid food thing. If it's soft foods, or liquid, I can tolerate it, both physically and mentally--- but when it's solid foods, the anxiety level skyrockets and I just feel uncomfortable physically. Katherine andI decided we were going to plan our 'meals' for each day, after the morning group. Most of the time, I'll stand there in the kitchen, overwhelmed by having to make a choice, and then the anxiety level rises, and I say "fuck it" and just don't eat.
But the longer I do that, the longer I'm going to be here. I'm already wondering if 2 months is long enough. I'm about to head into my 3rd week here, and I know I've still got a LONG way to go. this didn't start overnight, but on some level, I think I'm expecting it to just go away overnight. And I know that's not possible.
One day at a time, right? (Sometimes, it's more like one MINUTE at a time.)
Posted by Wendy on January 22, 2006 11:55 AM