January 29, 2006
Tough Days
It's been a rough week.
It seems like everything just sort of hit me at once. Wednesday and Thursday were probably the worst two days I've had since I've been here. Just a lot of negative thinking, self-doubt, negative body image, and missing the familiarity of home and the life that I was used to. While there's a part of me that wants to give this all up and just go home, there's another part of me that knows I need to be here.
Pete is coming up to visit the second weekend in February-- and it seems so incredibly far away at this point. I'm trying to stay positive about everything, but it's hard. I try not to isolate, or when I do realize I'm doing it--- I try to force myself to be around other people, even if it's just watching a movie or going for a walk with someone. I think part of the negative body image comes not only from the fact that I'm eating on a more regular basis, but that I'm also not purging (most of the time) and I haven't been to a gym since I got here. I've been walking a LOT, but to me--- walking isn't a workout. It is for other people, but just not for me. Especially when I'm used to spending several hours at the gym nearly every day. Even if I'm not in an obsessive mode about the gym, when I don't run for a couple of days, then I feel even worse about myself, and just feel lazy and blah blah blah. I think I'm going to join a gym here. They don't restrict that at all, and the YMCA has month-to-month memberships for about $27. I can put my gym membership at home on suspension for a few months until I get back, and just replace it with a membership up here.
I NEED to run. It's not even because of a calorie-burning mindset. I just need to be out and active and doing something. And it's far too icy here to attempt to run outside. It's hard enough just walking.
We all went out last night, which was fun. We spent the evening drinking at a bar not too far from the house. We had planned on going out to one of the dance clubs, but the lines were sooooo long. After standing in line for about 35 minutes or so, in sub-zero temperature, we gave up and went to the bar next door. At least it was inside. When we finally left that place, the line was STILL just as long as when we'd tried getting into the club earlier.
I dunno..... last week was just a really bad week. I skipped a couple of group sessions, and a couple of my individual sessions, solely for the purpose that I didn't feel like talking to anyone or being around anyone. I also cut on Wednesday night, which pissed me off, cause I told myself I wasn't going to do that here. Screwed that one up too. And then I guess it was like an excuse to do it again, since I'd already fucked up. I cut last night. I dunno---- just too many things going through my head and not sure how to figure it all out. That's part of the reason I have such a hard time talking in session about me, or what I think or how I feel or whatever, because I can't explain to myself. So if I can't even do that, how am I supposed to try and explain it to someone else?
And I guess I have this unrealistic expectation/standard for myself that I am only allowed to move forward, and not have any bad days. And I know it's totally impossible for that to happen, cause everyone is going to screw up now and then-- but yet, for myself, I expect perfection. And so then I feel bad admitting that I need help or that it's a bad day or that I'm struggling, cause I feel like I don't deserve to ask for it. I know that everyone here is available at any point in time should I need to talk, but I can't bring myself to do it.That's one of my "homework" assignments with Val and Jamie (and Judy, for that matter). Asking for help when I need it, and using the resources available here. I don't EVER ask for help. I'm not saying that as and excuse... just that I don't even do it.
Half of me wants to go back home and go back to what I've been used to and to what I know. But I know I need to be here right now, even when my own mind tries to convince me differently. Most of that comes from the negative body image and feeling like I've somehow magically gained about 50 pounds since I've been here--- which is totally irrational. And yet, every time I look in the mirror--- I only see myself getting bigger and bigger. It doesn't matter what reality is, cause I don't see it. Don't believe it. And so then I find myself ready to say "ficl it all". If I'm going to just keep gaining weight day after day..... then I want to go home NOW. Fuck "health" if it means I'm going to be fat. And even as I write that--- I know I haven't gained weight. If I have-- it's an insignificant amount and probably just water weight at that. Or maybe this is just me trying to convince myself differently. I don't know. It's so damn confusing and I hate it. I hate the constant fight in my head over every single thing I do.
I had my eyebrow pierced yesterday. I think I'll end up getting my nose pierced as well. Just something small and not REAL noticeable. A small diamond or or silver ball. But no rings or anything. When Pete comes up, I'm getting my tattoos. I am trying to decide if I want anything other than the words. I might design it myself, or I may have them do it. Sara said that Lee is really good, and that's who did her tattoo last time she was IP here. But the guy who did my piercing yesterday was really good, and he does tattoos as well. So I may go with hime instead. Obviously, they're all good at it--- or else people wouldn't go there. And he had the rest of the afternoon (after me) filled up with tattoo appointments.
Either way-- I'm definitely getting it done before I leave.
I think I'm gonna head out to Blockbuster with a couple of the girls. S and I rented three movies yesterday, but they've already been watched a couple of times since then. At least we only have about 3/4 of a day left to get through before tomorrow morning. That helps. The weekends get really lons, since there are no "formal" programs here on the weekends, which leaves a LOT of time to fill up. I'm so not used to that, and you con only distract yourself for so long......
Posted by Wendy on January 29, 2006 11:34 AM
Comments
Hi, I came to your webpage while checking for info on anorexia. Was looking at Victoria Secret models website, looking for some inspiration to lose weight... then I wondered how many of these models have an ED, because all those skinny arms and bones do not make them all that attractive... ironically, I was afraid for them. What is wrong with the world thinking that skinnyness is beautiful. It's not.
Being beautiful means you have a glow that radiates from your face. It comes from one's eyes and smile. From a clean conscience and inner spirit.
I wish you well in your journey. You're brave, and beautiful in your ways, even when you don't think so. Rest in the righteousness of Christ. You've been forgiven and made clean by His blood on the cross.
Posted by: Stephanie at January 31, 2006 1:37 PM
Hi, I just came across your site here from xanga. I am 20 and a runner also, and I used to be a purging-anorexic -- I am in recovery now (almost a full year). I struggled with my eating disorder for somewhere around four years and I eventually lost the ability to run at all because of being too underweight and lack of energy and all that. But I totally know how you feel about just wanting to do SOMETHING in the way of exercise... I was just like that when I wasn't able to run. Now, I've been running for about a year again and I'm on xc and track and able to run better times than before (I had never run while healthy prior to this). I just hope that you can get better too -- please trust me in that once you are healthier it really won't take you that long to get back to the fitness level you'd like. I remember thinking that I would never be able to run decent again, but seriously, it is definitely possible -- even if you have to take a lot of time off from it (in my case I had to stop for about two years, only running on and off a couple of months). Please take care and my best of wishes to you with everything you're trying to accomplish!! ~luvs~
Posted by: Kris at February 14, 2006 11:49 PM