December 12, 2005
Long Weekend
It's been a long weekend. The days all seem to roll into one and i'm not quite sure where one day leaves off and the next one begins. The wedding ceremony on Friday was just how Pete and i wanted it. Small, just the two of us, Alyssa and Judy. Neither Pete nor i are big on the idea of being the center of attention (hence the reason for my attempted disappearance over the years). We didn't want some huge, drawn out wedding that takes months of planning.Too much stress involved, and i already have enough of that going on inside my own head without having to worry about the external world adding to it. We'll still do a small wedding this summer and a reception, but nothing huge as far as the wedding goes. Just close friends and family. The reception can be as big as it needs to be.... I'm not worried about that part.
Anyhow-- afterwards, the four of us went out for a few drinks.... and then Pete and i were supposed to meet my parents later for dinner. i would have felt so guilty about NOT going, yet at the same time--- I felt guilty for even considering the idea, knowing i'd have to eat something. So, I had a few drinks. Four (REALLY GOOD) margarita's to be exact. i wasn't drunk by the time we left, but i was rather.... um.... tipsy. Not the best way to quell the anxiety, but it worked for the moment. (Random thought here-- why am I so damn stuck on the 'quick fix' for everything? Cause really-- what did drinking fix? Nothing-- in the long run. Short term. Temporary. Story of my life).
So-- we met my parents about 7-ish or so, and ended up going to-- of all places-- Old Country Buffet. Being half-drunk, and trying to appear somewhat 'normal', I ended up eating more than i wanted to--- and subsequently purged it all the second we got home (the alcohol had something to do with that, however-- as I'm technically not supposed to drink in the first place. Rules Shmules. I make my own). I'm a fucking idiot. If we would have just skipped the whole dinner thing, i wouldn't have drank as much as I did, and wouldn't have said "fuck it, I've already ingested at least 400 calories from the margaritas, what the hell difference does a few more calories make if I'm not gonna keep it in anyhow?"
But at that point-- and then after... it really didn't matter. Neither the calories, nor the fact that I'd purged. I simply didn't care. Damn-- even when i'm intoxicated, the ED thoughts are still there. Still in control....
Now that the wedding stuff is past--- the one and only thing on my mind right now is the fact that in a month i will be at Westwind. And I AM TERRIFIED. I'm wondering why i agreed to go. Why i made that promise to both Pete and Judy. Pissed at myself for not 'working harder' and being smaller. Now i have only 4 weeks. Westwind called on Friday-- of all days-- and my date is set for January 8th (Sunday), and I will start the program on January 9th. i know that it's not the greatest idea to lose a bunch of weight before i go, but at the same time I don't want to go and end up being the fattest one there. But even that isn't all of it, and that sounds so vain and superficial.. i don't know. i don't know how to explain it-- even to myself. It's just this all-consuming thought... idea.... this insane drive that says I have to. It's not my choice anymore... or at least it doesn't feel that way. I have to prove that I deserve to be there just as much as anyone else. And the only way I'll know that is based on how low I can get the number on the scale before I go. Simply hearing that i deserve it isn't enough. There's a huge difference between knowing something and actually believing it. And quite honestly-- i don't believe it. It's like i hear it, but it doesn't register within. I have to SEE the proof.
It's all I think about right now. No matter where i'm at. Home... work.. the gym.... I spent over 2 1/2 hours at the gym tonight after work, burned off a little over 1100 calories (having consumed only coffee and water today), and still left there feeling like i hadn't worked hard enough. Doesn't help any that the scale at the gym said i've GAINED 4 pounds since this morning (AFTER working out). But i didn't have the energy to stay any longer. Weak and exhausted, heart beating erratically and huge dark circles under my eyes that appeared out of nowhere. So I went home.
On my xanga site (www.xanga.com/anarunner) I've gotten so many messages to my posts. Support for my decision. Requests for the address to keep in contact or send stuff. And yet, i can't help feeling like it's more out of relief that I'll be one less means of 'competition' for everyone. Westwind doesn't focus on a specific goal weight to reach, but I'm scared i'll leave there sometime in March or April, massively huge. And then where will i be? It's not like I can 'go back' to my Ana Girls-- at least not in the same way as before. I mean, i could.... but at the same time, i can't.
In a strange sort of way, it's like that Jim Carrey Movie "Truman Show." i've lived my whole life in this carefully (self) created little world where everything is so controlled, so safe. It's all I've ever known, and it's the only identity I've ever really had for myself. You don't ever know differently, and so you keep at it until you reach that dead-end. That point of do-or-die. And in one solitary moment, you walk up those stairs, open the door and leave it all behind.
i don't know who I am without the eating disorder. Yeah-- i know what i like, and things i'm good at-- but who am *i* without the eating disorder dictating that to me? There's a small part of me that wants to find out-- but an even bigger part that is terrified to do so. Cause what if that elusive "other side" really isn't worth it in the long run? And at the same time i've got that thought in my head, there's also the other side saying... well-- look at Teresa. Or Ayesha. Or a number of other people I know who've done it. Yeah-- it's still something they may deal with on a fairly regular basis (even daily, for that matter), but it's not there 24/7. But my mind can't comprehend the possibility.
And there's a part of me too, that feels like i'm 'giving in'. That i'm weak. Or that i'm throwing away 16 years of my life, even if it HAS been spent in anorexic-mode the majority of those days. But at least as long as I hold onto the eating disorder, in some way or another-- i still have those days. i don't know what I'm attempting to say, or explain or whatever the hell one wants to call it. It's all too much.. too confusing... too overwhelming. Especially for 2 o'clock in the morning.
Posted by Wendy on December 12, 2005 2:11 AM
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