December 20, 2005
Disconnect the Body From the Mind
Three weeks from today and she'll be in Canada.
Can't get it out of her head. Can't stop worrying about it. Thinking about it. It consumes thoughts, days... her entire world.
She knows she shouldn't be thinking this way-- but the only thought right now is losing as much weight as possible before she goes. The number itself holds little value. There's no 'goal' weight in mind. No 'magic number' that will wave a truce flag when the body has had enough. So she crawls back inside herself, her world, her mind and declares complete and total anhiliation on the body. Self and body separate. No longer connected. The body is something to be reduced, eliminated. DESTROYED. Judy once told her-- In order to find happiness, get rid of the things you hate. What a novel idea. Thinks she'll take the advice, even if it was interpreted out-of-context. Details don't matter at this point.
She still wonders what Judy meant last week when she said she still had a lot she wanted to talk about.
She sits here now, a barrage of thoughts and "what if's" crossing her mind. And endless maze, twists and turns and dead-ends no matter which way she looks. No way out. Perhaps she's merely over-analyzing the situation.
She wonder sometimes why things are the way they are. Wonder what life would be like had she never wandered down this path in the first place. Yet at the same time-- the thought of living life any differently is so outrageously foreign to her, she can't even imagine the possibility. In less than three weeks, she'll be packing up the car, driiving some 600-700 miles north, towards a reality that seems only some figment of anothers' imagination. It doesn't seem real. And yet-- a part of her knows it is. It's a little TOO real. Enough that it can''t completely be ignored, no matter how many cuts she makes or pills she takes in attempt to find some sanctity in the madness. Some relief. Release. Freedom from an ever-darkening world.
Part of the fear lies in knowing that she is no longer 'allowed' to sit on the fence of apathy and watch the world go by without making a decision. No longer 'allowed' to sit here at this figurative fork in the road. For so long-- she's sat here, balancing on the edge of it all, avoiding having to make a decision in either direction. Can't go backwards-- and wouldn't want to. Can't go forward cause the fear is a hell of a lot stronger than she'd like to admit. (Or is even ABLE to admit-- for that matter).Wonders if what she is heading towards is worth giving all of this up. Can only trust those who tell her it is....
Because her mind won't let her believe it for herself....
Posted by Wendy on December 20, 2005 12:38 AM
Comments
Give all what up!!!! Hell on Earth? I sent you an e-mail, please read it. I pray you will do this and do it right. Take one day at a time. YOU ARE STRONG ENOUGH TO DO THIS!
Posted by: andee at December 20, 2005 9:00 AM
Love love & love somemore. Love people and animals. When everything else feels out of control, unorganized, God says, Love conquers all things so I go with that. : ) So I am sending you a big warm hug w/ pat on the back (((((wendy))))) Love to you. Listen to some Christmas music and love something. Then when you are a little stronger love yourself a little. Practice on others untill you can handle loving yourself. Babysteps Wen. Luv U XO - v
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(((((V)))))
Thanks hon..... you always seem to know what I need to hear at any given moment.
((HUGS))))
Wendy
Posted by: xrsz119 at December 21, 2005 12:29 PM