November 17, 2005
Winter
Snow is here. And it's cold. Too damn cold for my liking and it's only November. There's still several months of this left. I'm cold when it's the middle of July and 80-something degrees outside. It's not just the physical cold though.... it seems that the chill has gone through all my layers, through the bones, right to the very center of me. The days, according to the lunar cycle, are shorter, but they seem so incredibly long to me. Amazing how 24 hours can feel like a lifetime. And I just keep waiting for it to be over.
Bad day today, and I'm not sure I could even begin to explain why. I simply don't know what started it all, or what sent me over the edge. I just don't know. I went to class this morning then came home about 11 as my Horticulture lecture at 1 p.m. was cancelled for the day. So, I had a free afternoon until 6 p.m. Sometime between 11 and about 3, I lost it. I wouldn't call it a total breakdown, but it was closer than I've been in a LONG time.
I was sitting on the floor going through old mail and collecting newspapers to take out for recycling. And it was this gradual darkening. Like some sort of... SOMEthing just sort closed around me. And I could feel the tears choking me, threatning to fall should I let them. Thoughts swirling around my head so fast I couldn't make a distinction between where one left off and the other began. Part of it is the constant thought of going to Canada in January; part of it was feeling a bit overwhelmed with school right now. And the rest of it was just all this.... stuff.... I don't know how to explain it.
So I'm sitting there, my back against the door and start hitting my head against the wall (trying to make everything inside stop) until I was in tears. I can handle the physical pain so much easier. Thought about cutting... a lot. Paced the house, fighting myself over whether or not I pick up the blade. After awhile, I called Judy-- but got voice mail. And.. I dunno... just this overwhelming feeling of... alone-ness. Of having nowhere to go, nowhere to turn, and it's like I was trapped somewhere between reality and my own mind.
Grabbed my blades. The phone-- on the slightest hope that Judy would call, even though in my message I hadn't left a name or number. Opened the medicine cabinet and saw the vicodin, the Advil, my mini-pharmacy. Thought about the fact that I had vodka in the fridge and the thought of just leaving... slowly fading into unconsciousness, out of all of this... was so damn tempting, it terrified me. I've never been that enticed. Never that close, never that SURE. Sat on the bathroom floor, blade in one hand, phone in the other, tears streaming down my face and I couldn't make them stop. Couldn't make the tears stop, the thoughts, the unnameable feelings..... Sounds crazy, but it was like something else had taken over and I wasn't in control of ME anymore.
And in the middle of my hyterical mess.... Judy called. I'm a bit surprised that she knew it was even me... but either way, she called. I ended up going to her office for a few hours. Somewhere 'safe'. I didn't end up cutting today--- though I brought the blades with me to Judy's, "just in case". Did a little writing... mostly just sat on the couch, curled up in the blanket trying to stop the tears, the thoughts... everything.
I didn't go to class..... I left Judy's a little before 6, drove to campus, then drove in a big circle and headed back to the office. I couldn't do it. Couldn't sit in class for three hours. Couldn't be around other people. Didn't want them to see me like that. Stopped to pick up some coffee and headed back. Sat in the parking lot for a bit, and then went home. I couldn't go in.
Pete was home when I got home, so.... I put on as "normal" a smile as I could muster and walked in the door. I know if I'm having a bad day, it's ok with Pete. He doesn't care. But.... I also know that he'll then worry about me, and I feel when people worry about me. Even when I know people only do it cause they care....
I guess the only good part of all of this is that I didn't cut.
Maybe even more importantly--- that I'm still here. Not in some hospital having my stomach pumped... or worse....
Posted by Wendy on November 17, 2005 8:37 PM
Comments
I feel you about winter I hate it too.I dont really know anything good about it but it too passes.Getting off or lowering your dose of Effexor can cause the feelings you were having,I know I stopped on my own and boy just EVERYTHING seemed wrong but ask me what and I couldnt explain it, just everything like why the hell am I even here.Please try to reach out to someone when your feeling funky.Email someone or call someone like you did,but dont give up after one call, others care sweetie keep reaching.And Keep your chin up.. please email me if your feeling down my mom was hospitalized for anorexia and Ive delt with it myself,talking out your feelings definatly helps as Im sure you know :)
Huggs,
Monica
***********************
Monica--
Thanks for the support. :) It means a lot. I am wondering if part of all of this lately is due to the lack of Effexor in my system from what it's been used to. I'm not sure. I'm on hour 60 now though with no effexor. The dizziness from last night has passed for the most part. Usually I give in when it occurs. But I figured if I could just get through a couple of rough days.... then I'll be fine... We'll see. :)
((HUGS))
Wendy
Posted by: Monica at November 18, 2005 4:47 AM