November 22, 2005

Soundtrack for another bad day

Lately-- i can't find the words to explain things as eloquently as certain songs have done. Made a CD the other day that could be the soundtrack for my life, were it a movie.

More lyrics from Indigo Girl's song "Closer to Fine"
i remember first hearing this song in high school, on a group workcamp up in the Appalachian Mountains of Kentucky with my (former) youth group. Came home and bought every album by I.G. only because i couldn't remember the name of the song, and i HAD to find it. Colleen and i had this song on repeat the whole week. Drove the rest of our group crazy. :)

"I'm trying to tell you something 'bout my life. Maybe give me insight between black and white. And the best thing you've ever done for me is to help me take my life less seriously-- it's only life after all.

Well darkness has a hunger that's insatiable and lightness has a call that's hard to hear. I wrap my fear around me like a blanket, I sail my ship of safety till I sank it, I'm crawling towards your shores."

...how true. That "darkness has a hunger that's insatiable". i think this is part of what keeps me here, what keeps me walking this line. Even in my moments of absolute clarity, my good days, there is always that Darkness calling me back. And it's inviting and as much as i hate It, I also love it. Sick. Twisted. And it doesn't make much sense. But it's what i know. It's safety. i know most people won't understand that, and I don't know how else to explain it.

Kelly Clarkson, Because of You
"Because of you, I never strayed too far from the sidewalk, because of you, I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt. Because of you, I find it hard to trust not only me but everyone around me. Because of you I am afraid."

Fear. It keeps me locked inside my own little world, destroying the courage, the strength it takes to escape. It feels like i've been fighting back tears nearly every day for the last several weeks. Everything seems to get to me. Every song, every thought. Even just watching the neighbor kids playing outside in the leaves, finds me choked up inside. And I try harder and harder to keep the tears from falling. To stop the thoughts, the unidentifiable feelings inside that bring me to this point. Even as i sit here writing, the screen in front of me is blurry. Out of focus from the tears threatening to fall. Where the fuck is the exit? It's getting harder and harder to find, harder and harder to believe an exit exists in the first place. And i'm dying a little more each day.

Dying in the Sun, by The Cranberries.
"Do you remember, the things we used to say. I feel so nervous when I think of yesterday. How could I let things get to me so bad? How did I let things get to me? Like dying in the sun, like dying in the sun, like dying.

Will you hold onto me, I am feeling frail. Will you hold on to me, we will never fail. I wanted to be so perfect, you see. I wanted to be so perfect."

Landslide, Fleetwood Mac
"Well I've been afraid of changing, cause I've built my life around you. But time makes you bolder, children grow older, I'm getting older too."

yeah, i'm getting older and nothing ever seems to change. Half the time i feel so much older than other people my age, as though i've lived two or three lifetimes in this one. Other times, i feel like nothing more than an immature, scared little kid wishing someone would just notice her already. Wishing someone would stop the descent before she falls any further. And then i look at other people my own age and feel so far behind...

And she reaches out a hand into the air. Feels emptiness where another's hand should have been. They watched her fall. Let her fall. Closed their eyes and walked away. i don't know how much more i can take. i don't know how much further i can go. Giving up or going on? The answers lie hidden. Buried beneath years of wasted time, which one is right, which is wrong?

Good Enough Sarah McLachlan
Sorta the two-part mindset in this one.
"Hey your glass is empty, it's a hell of a long way home. Why don't let me take you, it's no good to go alone. I never would have opened up, but you seemed so real to me. And after all the bullshit I've heard, it's refreshing not to see that I don't have to pretend, she doesn't expect it from me. So don't tell me I haven't been good to you, don't tell me I have never been there for you, just tell me why nothing is good enough.

Hey little girl would you like some candy, your momma said it's ok. The door is open come on outside, No I can't come out today. It's not the wind that cracked your shoulder and threw you to the ground. Who's there that makes you so afraid, you're shaking to the bone? I don't understand, you deserve so much more than this."

Storm (Blyss) by Lifehouse
"How long have I been in this storm? So overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form. Water is getting harder to tread. With these waves crashing over my head. If I could just see you, everything would be all right. If I could see you, this darkness would turn to light. And I would walk on water. And you will catch me if I fall. And I would get lost into your eyes, and everything will be all right. Everything will be all right.

I know you didn't bring me out here to drown. So why am I ten feet under and upside down? Barely surviving has become my purpose, cause I'm so used to living underneath the surface. If I could just see you, everything will be all right. If I could see you, this darkness would turn to light."

yep... barely surviving. i'm just trying to keep my head above water, and lately-- failing miserably. I hate crying. For giving in. These fucking tears won't stop. Won't go away. And I get angry at myself for letting them fall. For letting myself feel them so intensely. Where is it coming from in the first place? Lately... they just arrive. No warning, nothing. The smallest thing can send me spiraling downwards, yet i can't explain why or what or how. i simply just fall. And each time i do, it gets harder to climb back
up again, harder still to find my way back out.

She's Falling Apart by Lisa Loeb
"They pull up their chairs to the table. She stares at the food on her plate. At the toast and the butter, her father and mother-- she pushes away. And they rise in the morning. And they sleep in the dark. And even though nobody's looking, she's falling apart.

She gets home from school too early, and closes the door to her room. There's nothing inside her, she's weak and she's tired of feeling like this. And they rise in the morning. And they sleep in the dark. And even though nobody's looking, she's falling apart.

They call her for dinner, she makes up a reason. She looks at her arms and rolls down her sleeves. And her mother is starting to see through her lies and last night her father had tears in his eyes.
And they rise in the morning. And they sleep in the dark. And even though nobody's looking, she's falling apart."

...everyday they woke again, went about their days. Oblivious. They saw me, but didn't really SEE me. Walked on by and i kept it all inside, kept it to myself. i wonder sometimes how much of this is because when i needed someone most, no one was there. We were a 'family', but only in external appearances. Inside, we had our own lives, our own worlds of safety and shelter. Worlds we created in order to survive. i learned to depend on no one but myself. To face the world with a smile and pretend nothing was wrong, pretend that nothing else mattered.

But when i sit here in moments like this it all comes rushing back. Hits so much harder the second time around. Hurts a hell of a lot worse.

What a Good Boy by Barenaked Ladies
"We've got these chains hanging around our necks, people wanna strangle us with them before we take our first breath. Afraid of change, afraid of staying the same when temptation calls, we just look away.

I wake up scared I wake up strange I wake up wondering if anything in my life is ever gonna change. I wake up scared. I wake up strange and everything around me stays the same."

Broken by Scott Stapp
"Why are we overcome with fear? What if I told you that fear isn't real? Why are we overcome with death? What if I told you my friends--your doubt, you could live without. There is a question I want to understand. Why can't everyone tell the truth and learn to love again. Do you know what it feels like to be broken and used, scared and confused? One more question, I know time is dear. Is what the world speaks of love, really real?

Do you know what it feels like to be broken and used, scared and confused. Yes, I know what it feels like to be broken and used, scared and confused, yes I know.
I'm broken.

Thank You, Alanis Morissette
The moment I let go of it was the moment I got more than I could handle. The moment I jumped off of it is the moment I touched down.
How 'bout no longer being masochistic. How 'bout remembering your difinity. How 'bout unabashadly bawling your eyes out. How 'bout not equating death with stopping. Thank you India. Thank you providince. Thank you disillusionment. Thank you nothingness. Thank you clarity, thank you, thank you silence.

James Blunt, Goodbye My Lover
(In a twisted sort of way, I see this as the eating disorder speaking vs.. well... me.)

(me)"Did I disappoint you, or let you down. Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown. Cause I saw the end before we'd begun. (ED) I saw you were blind and I knew I had won. So I took what's mine, my eternal right. Took your soul into the night. It may be over, but it won't stop there. I am here for you if you'd only care. (me)You touched my heart, you touched my soul, you changed my life and all my goals. Love is blinder than I knew it, my heart was blinded by it. (ED)I've kissed your lips, I've held your hand, shared your dreams and shared your plans, I know you well. I know you. (me)I've been addicted to you. Goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. You have been the one, you have been the one for me.

(me)I am a dreamer and when I wake, you can break my spirit, it's my dreams you take. (ED)And as you move on, remember me, remember all we used to be. I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile, I've watched you sleeping for awhile, I'd be the father of your child, I'd spend a lifetime with you. I know your fears, and you know mine, we had our doubts but now we're fine, and I love you I swear that's true, I can not live without you. (me)Goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend, you have been the one, you have been the one for me.

(me)I'm so hollow, baby. I'm so hollow. I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow."

...why, at a time when i have so much to live for do i feel so much like throwing it all away. Giving it all up. I cut again this morning before my appointment with Judy. Why? i don't know. And I'm sitting here with the thoughts in my head again, tears streaming down my face and i don't know where to go, what to do. i should call Judy. But I was just there less than 4 hours ago... as if that really matters. excuses. fuck. go away go away. i can't make sense of this, of myself, of what all of this means and why i still hang onto it. i don't know, i don't know.. i DON'T KNOW.. and this anxiety, this fear overwhelms me.....

i still am trying to figure out how i can sit here and write and I think so clearly, and yet Judy says differently. I know exactly what I'm writing and what I'm trying to say, and I know exactly the words I'm using. Yeah, maybe the negative stuff is partly due to eating disordered thoughts and what-not, but my writing is my way of trying to sort it all out, make sense of it, and my writing is ME. Whether or not I'm in a bad place at a given moment, my writing reflects ME in these moments. So how can it NOT be me. Judy and i have gone over this several times now. And while i can see from her point of view, and why she thinks the way she does, I'm not so sure she sees it from MY point of view. If I'm doing the writing, how can it NOT be me? I get frustrated trying to figure it out, trying to explain it. i dunno. maybe i'm just trying to convince myself of some unrealistic rationalization in order for it all to be ok. The one thing i always had was my writing. Being unsure if my thoughts, my words are really even mine is quite unsettling. My words are (were) my anchor. The one place of safety i've always had. The one thing to keep me grounded and to make sense of the chaos in my head. What's left if i don't even have that anymore?

When the anchor is removed, one begins to drift away...
Perhaps i shouldn't write anymore? Perhaps I'm only trying to make sense of things that I should simply just leave alone. Don't ask questions, don't seek answers. Don't fight a mind that is so much stronger. Accept the reality for what it is and leave it at that. I should have learned this long ago...

Posted by Wendy on November 22, 2005 11:17 AM

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Posted by: Tessa at January 8, 2006 12:53 PM

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