November 21, 2005
Me, Myself and 'i'
I've decided that i'm no longer worthy of capitalization of the letter 'I', in reference to myself. Why? Who knows. But it's what I've decided. Save the importance of punctuation and correct grammar for one who deserves such recognition. The 'other' me. The internal side of me. The one who actually means something.
Crazy weekend. It's been a long time since i've actually ventured into the land of the living and spent time amongst people. i realized this weekend how much i've missed being a part of it all. And how much i've missed actually participating in the everyday normal stuff that other people do.
Due to my horrendously bad day on Thursday, i decided that a little... er.... liquid antidepressant was in store. So, on Friday night Katie, Nicole, Pete and i headed out to Mixxers and spent the evening drinking and dancing. Woohoo--- 2 or 2 1/2 hours (total) of calorie-burning dancing with Nicole. And i drank a couple glasses of lite beer. Damn. Way to go Wendy. Fuck it all up. Nicole and i, nearly at the same time and without discussing it beforehand, made a bee-line for the bathroom. Puked lite beer cause i couldn't deal with the thoughts in my head. Couldn't deal with the guilt.
Worked all day Saturday and then went out again Saturday night. More drinking. Puked that beer too. i'm beginning to wonder if there's ever an end to this anyhow. Seriously. Who pukes lite beer after not having eaten anything but coffee since the day before? (only cause i'm counting the few calories i 'kept in' on Friday night from the beer i sipped on after puking the rest of it). If we're talking actual, solid food, i think it was sometime on Wednesday or maybe Thursday. I don't remember. 1/2 cup of plain mixed veggies. That part i DO remember. UGH.
Saturday Kelli, Nic, Pete and i went out again... first to Choo's and then over to Tailgaters. Karaoke. It was fun. Still regretting the beer but not regretting the state of mind. The thoughts in my head were actually semi-quiet most of the evening. i say "most" only because i heard a number of songs that pretty accurately described either me, or Nic and i together.
"I was walking in Memphis. I was walking with my feet 10 feet off of Beale. Walking in Memphis. Do I really feel the way I feel?"
Question of my life. What the hell do I really feel anyhow. And is what I'm feeling REALLY what I'm feeling?
The entire song, "Closer to Fine" by Indigo Girls.
"I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains. I looked to the children, I drank from the fountains. There's more than one answer to these questions, pointing me in a crooked line. And the less I seek my source for some deliverance, the closer I am to fine.
And just recently i stumbled across a group called "Barlow Girls". i'm guessing they're a christian band, cause of some of their lyrics. But a friend from my Xanga.com site (www.xanga.com/AnaRunner) has this amazing song on the frontpage of her Xanga called "Mirror" by that group.
"Mirror, Mirror on the wall; Have I got it?/ 'Cause Mirror you've always told me who I am/I’m finding it’s not easy to be perfect."
Amazing.
i was up late last night. far too late. it was about 4:45 a.m. when i finally went in to bed. i wasn't tire. couldn't sleep. why bother trying? almost called Judy a little after 3 a.m. as the thoughts in my head, seemingly from out of nowhere, intensified. Grew so much louder, so much stronger. and i wanted to cut. But i couldn't convince myself to wake her up in the middle of the night simply because i couldn't handle my own thoughts, my own mind. So instead, i curled up in a ball, fetal position, in the middle of the couch. Laid there watching random music videos on VH1 trying (unsuccessfully) to hold back the tears. i didn't cut last night, but desperately considered the idea.
Although i didn't cut on Thursday before i'd called Judy and went into the office, i ended up cutting later that night. My left arm is not looking too great at the moment. Thank god for cold weather and long sleeves. Pete hasn't yet noticed. Hasn't yet asked about it. And it's not that i'm hiding it from him, but i'm not going to be the first one to bring it up. i can't.
He and i had another 'discussion' last night after i got home from work. i don't even remember how it first started, but he made a comment that i'm "vanishing" right in front of him. Asked me what's left if i let every part of me disappear. i told him, "me", and left it at that. He doesn't get it though. Doesn't get that part. Use it all up. Strip it all away. Whatever is real is what remains in the end. Besides, the body is nothing more than that. Separate from the mind. I can be as small as I want to be, and they'll never control my mind. My thoughts. They can't take that part of me from ME. I'm nearing 72 hours no Effexor. i'm not sure anymore if the dizziness is from lack of food or lack of Effexor. Either way, I'll deal with it.
Won't mention names, but scored some Ritalin and another ADD med over the weekend. We'll see how it works for my lack of ability to focus these days. I've paid little attention to my homework and studying lately. i suck. But when your mind runs on overtime, it's so damn hard to focus, to study, to concentrate. i read the same page over and over again. i force myself to sit there until I quite literally feel like i'm going insane. Besides, it's supposedly a killer appetite suppressant and keeps you going for hours.
i need to get to class.....
Posted by Wendy on November 21, 2005 7:37 AM