October 31, 2005
Full of Emptiness
Perhaps that title is merely an oxymoron-- two elements in opposition of one another. A dichotomy I can explain, yet it makes perfect sense. Welcome to my life.
It's been a crazy week. Crazy weekend as well. I've been on auto-pilot the last several days. No thoughts in, no thoughts out. Just numb, I suppose. That is-- until I read Paul's email on Saturday. I can't stop thinking about it. Why is it so hard for me to let people in? To accept the help they offer? Why do I feel I have to do this all on my own, when I have 30+ people out there who would be willing to do what they could-- if only I'd suck up my pride (or maybe it's simply guilt) and ask for it. But then again-- asking for help was never my strong point. Never my "forte" so-to-speak.
Paul mentioned how he (as well as others at work) weren't aware of what I dealt with day in and day out. They never saw it. Sure, they saw my work with Allie, or with the other kids....but not the sort of life that goes on outside the safety of those walls. I made SURE I kept that part of me inside. I never said much to anyone about my life, my past... the things I'd been through. The things I still face today. I spent nearly every day for the last four years with everyone, and it wasn't until fairly recently that anyone knew anything in detail. I was simply known as the one who never ate, the one who ran, worked out.... but no one ever made the connection (save for the few people I worked directly with every day).
I dunno... I've had so many emails, so many messages lately from people expressing their concern, their worry, their support or help if I ever need it. It's so hard for me to imagine that I could mean that much to anyone. That anyone would care what I did or didn't do. But--- they have proven me wrong.
I don't know.... I'm not quite sure what I'm thinking right now... too much to sort out at the moment....
Posted by Wendy on October 31, 2005 6:31 PM
Comments
My boyfriend made a comment to me the other night about how he's noticed that I'm not doing so well right now and that I can't hide things from him. He somehow always knows.
He also said that he's here for me and I don't have to go through this alone. It makes me feel good to know he is supportive, but at the same time I don't want to drag anyone else into this mess I've created. I know he just cares but its so hard for me to be honest with him about my ED. Maybe its b/c I'm afraid I"ll scare him away??
who knows.
I just wonder why it is so hard for us to reach out to people who are willing to help us through this struggle?
Jenn
**************
Jenn--
I know what you mean--- for me, it's not that I don't reach out for people, but rather, I push them away. I don't often even give them a CHANCE to help. I don't know if it's that I feel I don't deserve their help, or if it's because I don't want to drag them into this-- or maybe it's just a little of both.
I know I could never scare Pete away by what I do-- cause he knows about all of it. But I do worry sometimes that he'll get tired of it. Or get tired of me and decide that a life with me is not what he really wants.....
(((HUGS))
Wendy
Posted by: Jenn Lewis at November 7, 2005 9:23 AM
Just checking in on you to see how you are? Mother hen here :o)
Hugss,
Monica
*******************
Hey Monica---
Thanks for checking in. :) It's nice to know that there are people out there I've never met-- who still care about me. It's hard to get that through my head, that yea-- people actually do care and are concerned. I'm still trying to learn to accept that.
So.... thanks, :)
Wendy
Posted by: Monica at November 9, 2005 5:26 AM