October 26, 2005

Effexor Shmexor

I still can't decide about the Effexor.I promised Judy today that I wouldn't go off it totally just yet, and I'd at least stay on the 75mg for now. I don't know how to explain my reasons for wanting off it. It's not that I think it makes me UN-real, but more it's the feelings that don't seem real. Yes, the effexor keeps me at a higher base-line, but it's like.... being emotionally flat-lined. Emotionally dead. What sort of life is that? THAT is not normal. Everyone has their good days, their bad days, their ok days. But what's un-normal is being at the exact same level day in and day out.

I don't know if it's the reduced effexor or what-- but I feel a hell of a lot more these days than I did before. I don't know if that's good or bad. But if it means I actually FEEL something, then I'll take the bad days with it. The smallest things make me feel like crying and leave me fighting back tears. But for the last 16 years (at least), I've avoided the tears, the feelings, everything via the anorexia, the cutting, the running. THAT was my "effexor". But I'm tired of all of that. So tired.

As Nic said the other day, we have so much more to live for and so much life left to live and to experience, and we're only throwing it away for some random, ever-changing number on some scale. Nic-- even though she is also anorexic, is this life-line for me. Even though we only met (well, in person) a week or so ago, I feel like we've known each other forever. Yeah-- we could potentially be "bad" for one another, and get trapped in our E.D.'s together, but she and I have already talked about that, and we're not going to let it get that way. We are both quite aware of the possibilities that could lie ahead. But we pull each other AWAY from that sort of thinking. Not always, I admit, but it's better than never, right?

Perfect example-- she and I were at the gym the other day, and we walked into the locker room after our workout and, obviously, passed a number of mirrors. Almost as if on cue, we both immediately turned to face one of the mirrors and began the self-critical talk.

The, "god I hate my thighs", "well, I hate my waist", "yeah, but your hips are still smaller than mine," blah blah blah. A few minutes of that, and Nic was the first to realize it. Pulled me away from the mirror, with a definitive, "No. We're not gonna do this..."
In a strange sort of way-- she keeps me... grounded... focused. But not on the ED. Even at the gym, it's not really this competitive sort of thing. It's really not.

Pete asked if it was good for us to hang out together. Workout together. I tried to explain this all to him and couldn't find the words, just promised that we weren't bad for one another. Tried to explain the same thing to Judy, and once again-- failed. So frustrating. Have all these thoughts in my head, but can't give them a voice. I can't say what I want to or need to. And then I just get even more upset with myself for it, and shut down.

Had a tough session today. I don't know what it was that started everything, but was fighting back tears again. Why does it always seem to come to that lately? I don't mean for it to. I don't want to sound like I'm negative all the time or that I'm just whining about stupid, insignificant things.

Stayed after my session with Judy and curled up on the couch in the other office and took a nap. It was either that or go to the gym-- and I was so tired. Emotionally drained. No energy. I didn't realize just how tired I was. Fell asleep about 3:30 and didn't get up until Judy came in and woke me up right before she went home about 5:30 or 5:45. She thought I'd already left, but thought she'd check first just to make sure. Got some good sleep though-- which I've needed. Especially since I'll be up most of the night studying for my exam tomorrow in Educational Psycholgy.

I shouldn't have done it-- but right before I fell asleep, the only thought in my head was cutting. I'm horrible. Got my blades out of my purse. Took off my watch. Cut. Then cut again. Watched it bleed for awhile. Cut again. When I was 'satisified' with the amount of blood I lost, put on a bandaid, put everything back in my purse and slept harder and more soundly than I have in a LONG time. These days, I go to bed tired, I wake up tired, but I don't really get any decent sleep.

Judy wants me to write a "goodbye letter" to the eating disorder. It's an assignment that has come up a couple of times, and I was never really able to do it. I couldn't finish the letter. Either that, or it ended up being more of an apology for all the ways I'd failed, all the ways I'd let the eating disorder down, than a goodbye letter.

My assignment from last week was to draw/paint/create an image of what the ED looks like to me. I've been working on that one all week. I've never had this distinctive image in my head, because my whole life, the anorexia has always looked like... well.. me. One and the same. No distinction between the two. No separation. It's this nebulus sort of thing with a voice. I can paint/draw the feelings... the thoughts, the ideas that come with the anorexia, but I'm having a hard time giving it it's own identity, separate from me.

Pete and I have talked a lot about inpatient lately. It's a decided thing. I made him that promise. So--- looks like sometime in January. I'm looking at a few different places.... Reniassance in Mississippi, Mercy Ministries in Tennessee, Oceanaire in Rancho Palos Verdes, California and Westwind, up in Canada. Yeah, Canada. From what I've heard about them, and the stuff I've recieved from them, they have a wonderful program up there. Lots of individual therapy and group therapy, as well as various groups... like nutrition, etc. Plus, they're only 500 a day, CDA (Canadian dollar). We figured it out that a month of treatment there would only be about $15,000 USD. They take patients from the US, though I'm not entirely sure yet how they do the insurance between countries. But if I were an insurance company, I'd rather pay $15,000 per month, than $25K or $35K. I dunno. Nothing definite yet.

The other place, Oceanaire sounds good as well. Group 4x's a week, individual therapy 3x's a week. In addition, they have stuff like meal planning/preparation group, including grocery stores, which is one of my biggest causes of fear. They teach you how to go to restaurants, and order normally, and just.... be normal in that sort of environment, which at this point-- I can not do. I refuse to set foot in any sort of restaurant, unless it's a coffee shoppe. That I can handle. They also do massage therapy, art therapy, writing/poetry groups, yoga, exercise therapy and a few other groups. Granted, that place is a 2-month (average) stay, but... it actually sounds more.... survivable than some of the other places. [cough, cough] Mercy [cough, cough].

I think Judy was right though, when she said last week that sometimes people are unable to recover in their normal environments. They have to totally get out of that place in order to change things. And that's where I'm at. I'm not so sure that going out of the COUNTRY is necessary (Westwind), as that's a little far, but if their program is good, I would consider it. Canada's health care system is far superior to the US. The cost of treatment there seems expensive to Canadians, who aren't used to paying much of anything for health care services. But for Americans, who pretty much pay every fascet of their health care coverage, it's relatively inexpensive by comparison to other US ED programs.

I don't know..... It's a lot to think about. But I promised Pete I wouldn't back out of it. Promised him that whenever that day finally comes, I'd get on that plane and go. Even if I lost control and tried to fight him on it. Even if tried to talk my way out of it and make excuses for it. No matter what happens, I'd still go. This isn't just about me anymore. It doesn't just affect me, but Pete as well. And I can't continually hurt him with the things I do to myself. Especially when all he can do is stand back and watch, because I won't let him help and I can't explain things in a way that make sense to anyone but me.

Ok.. I think I've rambled on enough for one day....

Posted by Wendy on October 26, 2005 4:56 PM

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Posted by: sam at October 27, 2005 10:14 PM

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