October 14, 2005
Another day on Auto-Pilot
Today's another auto-pilot day. One of those days where I don't really feel anything either way. It's not a good day, not overly bad either. Just.... another day.
Last night wasn't so great though. I ordered ephedra and it came this week. I knew Pete wouldn't be too happy about it, so I didn't tell him. Well-- I was at class last night and he was in my scrapbook room. Why he was looking around in the back of my file drawer is beyond me, but he was and he found the ephedra. When he asked about it, I said yeah-- I had some. He said "I didn't know you had anymore" (he's the one that took most of the rest of my supply from earlier. I'd ordered two huge bottles of it right before the ban went into effect, so I'd have it). Anyway, the whole conversation was unexpected and I didn't want him to be upset over something like this, so I told him I'd just forgotten I'd had it and found it while I was cleaning out the linen closet. Then he reaches in his pocket and pulls out the packing slip, dated Oct. 5. Said, "explain this then". I felt horrible. I sat there and lied right to him, and he knew it. I don't think I've hated myself more than I did last night. We didn't talk much the rest of the night. My "I'm sorry" didn't do much, no matter how many times I said it. I didn't know what else to say. He never seems to accept "sorry" from me. He just says, yeah-- I know you are. And that's it.
Anyhow, he went outside to let the dogs out and my only thought was cutting. Punishment. I'm such a bitch. I can't believe I sat there and lied to him. I grabbed my blade out of my jewelry box and went into the bathroom. Not more than a minute later, Pete's knocking on the door, asking what I'm doing. I said I was going to the bathroom. He didn't believe that one either. Asked, "where's the blade?"
Somehow he just knows. It's like he's got little cameras all over the house and just KNOWS. He knows when I do and don't eat. Knows when I puke. When I cut.
I'll finish this one later.......
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Ok.. finishing this one from earlier.
I haven't cut in about 2 weeks now.... but the last week or so, the thoughts have been horrible. I don't know if my bad week was due to the whole family thing from last weekend (Kaden's birthday), and having to see my ex-step-father and his family, or if it is reducing the effexor, or mid-terms, or just a combination of all of that. I think another part of it is the fact that I haven't been out for a good long run in several weeks. This damn bronchitis is still hanging around and I can't get over it. I've taken the antibiotics, and use the inhaler as prescribed, and take OTC stuff. But it's still hanging on. Damn my immune system! [laughs]
I guess the one good thing about this week is that I got the sweetest emails from Allie's mom. She was saying how they miss having me at the school and working with Allie. How I am an important part of their life and Allie's life, and they hold a special place in their family for me. She was talking about how she used to wonder why they were given a child with Autism, but doesn't ask that anymore cause she knows there's a reason even if she doesn't yet know what it is. Then she was talking about the anorexia, saying how I have so much to live for, and that so many people love me and care about me, and how many lives I've touched. I read that and was fighting back tears. It's so hard to believe that a lot of the time.... but I know Sandra meant every word of it.
I'm not sure what I'm gonna do over the next several days. I don't have class on Monday and Tuesday due to Fall break, and too much free time isn't always good. I start thinking too much...
Maybe I'll stop in at school and see the kids....
Posted by Wendy on October 14, 2005 8:08 PM