September 21, 2005
Inside the Chaos of My Thoughts
I don't know why I keep this up. Why do I find starving so appealing? When did success depend solely on the number on the scale? When did cutting, scars become a reprieve? When did I lose my grip on the one thing I thought I controlled?
Cried again at Judy's. I hate it when I do that, but at the same time, it keeps me from going 'away', that metaphorical place inside my head where the rest of the world does not exist. That place where silence and emptiness calm the choas of overwhelming thoughts, feelings.
Pete said last night that he thinks I need to go away somewhere. Some place where they can help me. Some place where I'm never alone. He and Judy do what they can, when they can-- and I'm grateful for that-- but when it's just me alone with... well... me, I'm my greatest enemy.
Ann emailed me today. I cried when I read it. I get so wrapped up in my own little world of self-destruction sometimes, that I tend to isolate from everyone around me. I forget that there are people out there who really DO care about me and love me for ME. People who would rather see me healthy and happy, than dead.
I hate the word 'healthy' though. Health scares me. Recovery scares me. The only thing I associate with those two words, is 'fat'. I know that it is not logical by any stretch of the imagination-- but apparently my imagination stretches further than most. Cause it makes perfect sense to me.
Kayla was asking about me as well. Angie emailed me in the last couple of days. All of a sudden, it seems as though everyone is contacting me in some form or another. A little reminder that they care. That they're there if I need them. Maybe this is some "sign". Some message that is supposed to be getting through to me, and all this time-- I've been blocking the entrance with the walls I build around me. I don't know anymore. I don't even know if this all makes sense to anyone else but me.
I feel so random sometimes. So.... I dunno... like I'm not making any sense. Then again, that's how my mind works. Constantly. All the damn time. It never stops.
Haven't heard anymore about the Dr. Phil show. Judy said she was going to put in a few calls to some places and see if she could get me in somewhere. At this point-- I don't know what to think. When I was in her office... it seemed like a good idea.... cause I can't keep this up anymore. But the moment I got outside, it's like the eating disorder came back with a vengance, and all I could think of is "why the HELL did you say you'd go if she found a place?"
But then the other side of me remembers my promise to Keri a month or so ago. I promised that even if the dr. phil show didn't work out, I wouldn't give up, and I'd still go into treatment somewhere. I meant that promise when I made it...
I don't know what to think right now. So confused. So many thoughts. So many things going on in my head. Too many feelings to name.
All I know is that I'm scared.......
Posted by Wendy on September 21, 2005 9:23 PM