September 19, 2005
Another Day on Auto-Pilot
Monday, Sept. 19, 2005
It's 8:30 p.m. and until about 7 p.m. this evening, not one calorie has passed my lips since Thursday morning about 10 a.m. I however, am incredibly weak for having given in. I had a bagel, with fat-free cream cheese. Easily 250 calories wasted. Then I had to go and eat some baby carrots afterwards, and the a huge glass of diet soda followed that. What a waste of breath and space. Such a waste of food too, as I'm about to go "take a shower" (aka. puke).
I feel horribly disgusting. My stomach feels as though it's stretched to the limit and my mind is suddenly on warp speed. I want to cut, to puke, to run mile after mile. I want to scream and cry and throw something. But, I remain silent. I remain calm to the outside world while the internal world is spinning out of control. Nothing makes sense. I don't make sense to myself. I know I should call Judy. Or go watch T.V. with Pete or something. But right now-- neither of those options will get rid of the food I so selfishly consumed. One bagel and about 15 baby carrots and some diet soda and I feel horrible. The feeling of food just sitting in my stomach is nauseating. I've gotten myself so "trained" at puking on command over the years, that I now only have to think about it and tighten my stomach muscles. Hence, I've perfected the art of the "silent puke". Gross. But at least I don't have to stick something down my throat. Good God! This horribly uncomfortable feeling must be my punishment for eating.
I can't believe I almost made it to 4 1/2 days CALORIE FREE, and three hours before the 4.5 day mark, I ate something. I hate myself. HATE HATE HATE HATE it with every fiber of my being. Sometimes I want to disappear. To just go away. Pete shouldn't have to put up with me. Judy shouldn't have to put up with me. I continually try and then fail over and over again. 16 years of this and I still can't win. No matter what I do or who tries to help. I'm not saying that I'm giving up--- but it's sounding rather good right about now.
I spent the day studying at Judy's. I have two huge tests coming up this week: one in my Educational Psychology Class and the other in my Political Science class. I think I did really well on last weeks' Horticulture exam. I went over right after class. It was about 12:15 or so when I got there and Judy was in session with someone so I just went into the back room as usual. I was there till about 4:30 or 4:45 p.m. and finally left. I couldn't stay focused on ANYthing. I tried. I really did. Just kept thinking about things, and staring out the window and trying not to cry-- for some unexplainable reason. Just one of those days I guess. Anyway, I'm wondering if she even knew I was there today. Usually she at least steps in for a minute, to say hello. Must have been a busy day or something.
Cut again today. In the parking lot of Judy's office. Maybe Pete was right when he said the other day that it's "getting a little out of control". The thing is-- when I cut, I feel in perfect control. I know I'm doing it. I'm pretty methodological about it. Cut, watch it bleed, wipe away the blood, repeat, repeat, repeat as often as necessary. Put a band-aid on the deeper cuts. Clean everything up, go about my day.
I'm getting a bit too used to living this way. So used to it, in fact, that it feels normal. Doesn't scare me. But it does. I don't know what I'm thinking right now. All I know is that I need to get rid of my earlier consumption. 2.5 hours later, and because my digestive system is so incredibly f**ked up, I know I will get it all up. Even four hours after eating something it will all come up again. Don't even have to try. At least I still have the sanity to know that THAT part of all of this is not normal. But do I care? Not at this moment. Not when I can feel the food just sitting there. It's like I can't be alone anymore. If I am, I either end up cutting or puking or running. In the words of Pink, "... I'm a hazard to myself... Don't let me get me... I'm my own worst enemy..."
Posted by Wendy on September 19, 2005 7:28 PM