August 25, 2005

When Everything Falls Apart

Had a tough session with Judy yesterday. The last three weeks I've ended up crying at some point during the session, even though I try my hardest not to. But sometimes things get overwhelming and I don't know how to deal with it, and I want to cut in order to make it all go away--- but Judy doesn't let me. I guess I should be thankful for that. But that only makes the fight even harder because it's like there's three of us there--- me, Judy and Ana and we're all fighting each other, all of us stubborn and no one willing to give in.

I hate that I fight her on it. It's not really me--- but a part of it is. One side of me knows she only does it to keep me safe from myself, but the other part of me only wants to self-destruct.... to escape.

I stopped over at my parents' house the other day, and my stepdad walks up to me unexpectedly and says-- out of the blue-- "No parent should EVER have to bury their child..." I just looked at him, unsure of where he was taking the conversation. He paused, looked me straight in the eye and says "...and you're on the fast track there." Then he turned around and walked away.
What the HELL was that about???
Why does everyone think I'm about to break? To die? I'm not giving up that easily. There's a part of me that wants to prove to them that I can walk along the edge of all of this... and not fall. That I can self-destruct for no other reason except that I can if I want to. Control.... part of it's all about control. I feel like everyone wants to control me again. They want me to do what THEY think is best for me.
"You're gonna kill yourself, ya know?"
"You're scaring me...." "
"You need to get a grip on this..."
blah, blah, blah.
Do they think I don't already KNOW that??? Do they think I haven't learned ANYthing these past 16 years?? I'm not stupid. I know exactly what I'm doing and where this road will lead me. But even that knowledge is not enough to stop me from heading there. It's like I don't have a choice in this anymore. I thought I controlled it... that I was able to manage it. Enough to keep everyone off my back. But that's not the case anymore. Truth is.... I feel so out of control lately.
Haven't eaten much of anything in the last week, and dammit, I actually feel PROUD. Sick? Yeah. But when I'm in these full-out-Ana modes, I feel better about myself. I feel like I can handle anything that comes at me. That I have all the energy in the world and can just keep going forever. Reality is different, and I'm well aware of that fact. But my mind was never in step with reality in the first place.

Fall Semester began this week, and I'm taking 13 hours, and all day classes except for one. The thing I hate most though, is the fact that first of all-- even though I'm a junior, I know very few people here. I walk to class alone, study in the lounge alone.... and then go up to the cafeteria, get a large coffee and try not to pay attention to all the people around me, eating. God, I swear that's all people do here. Eat, or run. There's a lot of runners on the trails and stuff around campus. I see them all the time.

Every time I drive to campus, at some point I will see this girl walking on the trail who is soooo incredibly anorexic. She's gotta be 5'10 or so, and I would bet money she doesn't weight more than 90 pounds MAX. She's so damn triggering!! Everytime I see her, I feel incredibly huge.
It's not enough anymore just to be thin or skinny, or whatever. I have to see bones. Skeletal. Not an ounce of fat ANYwhere. And I've still got a long way to go.

I need to get to class.. ugh.

Posted by Wendy on August 25, 2005 10:34 AM

Comments

Posted by: jessica at September 16, 2005 11:59 AM

Posted by: Richard Hill at October 31, 2005 10:45 PM