August 30, 2005
Running Far, Going Nowhere
So many things to think about right now. My head feels like it’s on overdrive and there’s nothing I can do to make it stop. Nothing I can do to make everything slow down for just a little while. I’ve tried.
Lisa– from the Dr. Phil show-- has called me a few times in the last week. Instead of doing the show on ED’s, they want my sister and I both to be on the show, for one they are doing with sisters who are in conflict with one another. My sister and I get along great, for the most part. The biggest problem though, is that we seem only to relate to one another via the eating disorder. That is the basis of 95% of our conversations and the things we do together. Part of me doesn’t care about that, and actually LIKES having that other person there to “be disordered” with. It sort of justifies what we do (at least in my own head) because it’s not as un-normal when someone else is doing it as well.
But on the flip-side of that, it also makes any sort of idea of recovery seem wrong. I guess one of the biggest reasons I’m afraid to give this all up is because of the thought that I might lose my relationship with Heather. If we only really relate on an eating disordered level, and then I go and focus solely on recovery and work on getting better, it will completely change our relationship. We don’t talk about things on more than a surface level– no feelings, etc.– because that’s not how we grew up. So, we found one thing we both share and understand on more than a surface level, even if we never talk about it. If giving up the anorexia means giving up that relationship with my sister— I’ll keep the eating disorder. My sister means more to me than the anorexia, and I don't want to lose that.
The problem. The producers on Dr. Phil want us on the show, but Scott– Heather’s husband– is adamantly against it. He says it would be an embarrassment to him if anyone he works with or knows ever found out that his wife was “one-half of the crazy, neurotic twins” on the Dr. Phil show. Sunday night, he went off about it, and about how much he hates that show, and how it was humiliating to even have had to talk to Lisa when she called to speak with Heather.
What the F***??? When did this become about Scott? When did all of this depend on what Scott wants or what is best for him? IT’S NOT ABOUT HIM!!!!!!!! This is MY chance to do two things:
1)fix/repair/strengthen my relationship with my sister and be able to tell her how I really feel, and 2) go inpatient somewhere and have all costs for treatment completely taken care of. I’m not going to get this chance again, and I know that after 16 years of this— going inpatient might just be what I need at this point.
But Scott is now standing in the way of that. He told Heather that he doesn’t agree with it, but if she absolutely feels the need to go on the show with me, then she can be assured that when she comes back, Scott will not be there and divorce papers would be in the immediate future. How the HELL can he even give her an ultimatum like that??
I guess one fear in NOT doing this show, is that Heather won’t hear what Dr. Phil has to say, and he won’t be able to convince her that– even if she doesn’t do it for herself– that she needs to work on her own issues for Avery’s sake. At 3 years old, Avery is far advanced for her age and picks up on EVERYthing. She notices when Heather and me don’t eat when I go down there. She picks stuff up so fast. And there is NOTHING I want more than for Avery NEVER to go through what I have. I’ve been through hell and back many times, and yet– if that was the one thing that would keep Avery from going down this path, I would go through it ten times over in a heartbeat. No questions asked. No hesitation. Heather doesn’t listen to anyone. She refuses to see a therapist because of a couple of bad sessions years ago when I first started in therapy. But– for Avery’s sake... it would be good for her. Actually, I would love it if they ALL went to counseling. Heather and Scott definitely have some issues that they need to work out. But– I’m not going to get involved in that aspect of things right now.
I guess I’m a little pissed off that Scott would completely disregard the fact that this is about me... about Heather.... it’s sooooooo not about him. It’s like when I was 15 all over again. When I was laying there for a week on the couch, doubled over in pain, semi-conscious part of the time due to 105 degree fevers, and Kent (ex-step dad) saying I was just faking the whole thing and that no, mom couldn’t take me to the doctor. I wasn’t worth giving a shit about then, and apparently– I’m not worth giving a shit about now.
Added to all of this is now the stress of what happens to school and my classes and stuff should I go inpatient? Will I be able to do some sort of distance learning thing, emailing assignments to my professors; will I be able to do some kind of independent study thing? Would it be better to just take a medical leave from school and pick up next semester? I don’t know. The only thing I do know is that I feel like I’m going crazy sometimes.
This never ends. Ever. I need out of my head for awhile.
Posted by Wendy on August 30, 2005 3:41 PM
Comments
To whom it may concern:
There is HOPE!!! I remember the 14 yrs of the starving, guilt and grief I went through during my battle as an anorexia/bulimia victim (ages 13-27). I know during the early stages of the disease, it seems kind of "cool"; eat what you want and not gain, or say "no" to things people wish they could. The roots are usually from rejection, hurt and other serious damaging roots; and most victims know exactly what caused it!!! It is an ILLUSION, one of the deadliest illusions!!! I studied fashion design in London, England during the mid 80's and was around some awesome artists/top models during the mid-cylce of my challenge with anorexia/bulimia nervosa. I was sooo sick it almost makes me wonder how and why I survived this deadly disease. I use to cry and pray daily for the monster to leave me after a few years of the habit/rutt. I can talk all my life away; but I am living proof it is a lie, "from the pit of hell", that this is O.K.!!!
It is true, YOU DO NOT SEE YOURSELF WITH CLEAR EYES!!! Your vision is distorted with this disease. I found a pair of black leather jeans this year that I use to wear in 1984-85; and I remember being able to put both my fist inside the waistline, size 4, and still feeling fat!!! That was when I really understood my misunderstanding of what I saw in the mirror back when I was battling this craziness!!! I remember wanting to feel my hip bones when I sat down. I could judge how fat/skinny I was even by sitting. Some of you complain you are not a size '0"!!! What is that about??? You might ask why try to help? I am from the 80's generation who was a fashion designer and the industry made girls feel ugly if they were not the "right little size" or had the right logo on their clothes. I do not know if the fashion industry will ever stop the advertisments that make girls feel worthless unless... I felt that same ugliness and I have got to help. If there is anyone who wants me to help... I will pray for everyone of you that "your miracle will happen!!!". You must have the "faith of a mustard seed!" It has to be a pure; true belief which is the size of a mustard seed; you are not a miracle worker, it is not your job to worry how's and why's. Just believe it is possible!!! I am obligated to share my miracle and that is all I know to do. A doctor told me once, "Rhonda, you must gain at least 40 lbs to even get your body starting to act correctly." I thought I would die first! I found out that it is true! There is life with unconditional love and support. There is life with understanding where you are. Where there is love there is hope!!! Do not ever give up hope!!!
Sincerely, Rhondda
Posted by: rhondda at December 9, 2006 10:37 PM