August 9, 2005

My mind is on Overdrive

I don't even know where to begin. It seems like it's been forever and a day since I've seen Judy. She was out of town last week, so it's been almost two weeks since I've had a session with her. I go tomorrow... but still.

I've been busy thinking..... and some more thinking... and not a whole lot else. I cut again this morning, and I'm not really sure why. I don't know of anything that cause me to go there, and nothing specific was in my head at the time... but I just felt this need to do it. I can't explain it any further than that.

Since my long session with Judy last weekend, it seems it's been a little easier to not think so much about certain things. I haven't been focusing so much on past stuff. But I'm not entirely sure if it's because I was sort of able to let go of a few things, or if it's avoidance. Sometimes it's hard to tell.

I spent the weekend in Lincoln for Avery's birthday. She had her b'day party at the gym *they have a "mini-gym" there, and so all her little day-care friends were there, as well as a few from her swimming, dance and gymnastics classes. She had fun. I was a bit surprised that an open room full of toddlers could be so well-behaved! [laughs]. It was exhausting, but fun.

Now for the not-so-fun part. I got a call from Heather Hunter at the Dr. Phil show. Apparently, a month or two ago, in one of my weak, "what-the-hell-am-I-doing-to-myself" moments, I emailed them a brief synopsis of my "story". They were looking to do a show on eating disorders, and were especially looking for those with a family history of it. Well, being that both my mom and grandmother have issues, and my twin also has an E.D., I emailed the show. There is this constant competition between Heather and I as to who weighs less, and it's always there. I don't think it's ever NOT been there.

Anyway, as I'm at 5'8 and appx. 120 right now (UGH-- still FAR too much for my approval), I do not "look" anorexic. I'm not the 97 pounds I used to be at one point, and so, in my mind-- I'm not "sick enough" to deserve recovery. Not until I get back there again. But at the same time, there's a part of me that knows differently. So why the Dr. Phil show? Because I guess there's a part of me that wants people to know that just because someone isn't a walking skeleton, and because they are not on their death bed-- doesn't mean they aren't just as eating disordered as the next person. I guess too--- is the fact that a lot of people think ED's are something one just "gets over" after a brief stint in therapy and a few normal meals. It is SOOOOO not that way. 16 years of this sorta proves that.

Anyway, to make a long story short, Heather Hunter called me last Friday to say they'd gotten the email and wanted to talk more to me about it. So then on Monday (yesterday), Kasey Weber, Heather's research assistant, called me to talk/interview me. We ended up being on the phone for a good 45 minutes or so. And although I was talking to a complete stranger-- it was oddly easy to do so. I generally do NOT open up to people-- even people I know. I usually just keep everything inside. But I talked to her, told her the whole story (minus one little detail from summer of 1991).

We talked for awhile longer, and when we were done, she said that she had a couple more people to talk to, and then she and Heather had to get together to put together some presentation thing for a director's meeting sometime next week or so. At that meeting, they will present all the 'potential guests' to the directors, and they will cast the show from that meeting. I'm supposed to hear back from her in the next week or two.

Now I'm beginning to regret this. I'm stilll FAAAAAAARRRRRRRRR too fat to go on national T.V. They say the camera adds 10 pounds. So even to appear the way I do now, I'd have to lose 10 pounds. I don't have a problem with that--- I just am not quite sure how much time I have to do it. So-- needless to say, I haven't eaten since Sunday night at about 8 p.m. when I had some yogurt.

The other problem is that usually-- for most of these types of shows (I try to catch any of the talk shows when the subject of the day is E.D.'s)-- at the end, guests are offered inpatient treatment, free of charge. Either paid for by the show, or the treatment center itself. Yeah-- that's definitely a positive, but the negative is the idea of going inpatient.

Pete is all for it. He thinks I should do it. He said I wouldn't have to worry about insurance, since it would be covered already, and I could always take a medical leave of absence from school-- and not lose my financial aid for spring semester. He did bring up the point that all this time, I keep making excuses not to go I.P. either because of school, or because of my (former) job at Disney (the school). But without working there this fall, and the ability to take the medical leave--- he says it's the perfect time to go. UGH!
I honestly don't know what to do, and it's all that's been on my mind since Friday. I can't really think of anything else. Is going on Dr. Phil worth free treatment? I don't know I don't know I don't know......

I need to go to the gym. I need to get back to my 3 and 4 hour workouts a day, as there is no way in hell that I am going ANYwhere (dr. phil OR IP) as fat as I am.

Posted by Wendy on August 9, 2005 9:44 AM

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