August 21, 2005

Can we say HYPER?!?!?!

I feel like I'm flying today. Pete swears I must be on some sort of amphetamine because my sister came up last night and we repainted the kitchen. I didn't even take my ephedra and I'm wide awake. We didn't sleep. Never even laid down. Painted the kitchen, did some landscaping in the yard once the sun began to come up, and went for a nice long run. All before 9 a.m.

As for the house--yeah, it's a rental house, but I want to make it my own, I cannot stand a kitchen that's not in spotless condition.

I'm a coffee addict-- duh--and I decided to go with a coffee theme. So-- the walls are a deep tan color with dark trim. Then the accent color is a deep brick red and the cabinets are white. I've got a bunch of coffee... stuff... and put it up on the walls. It actually looks really good. Sorta this coffee cafe sorta look.

I was joking with Heather and said "hmmmm.... my kitchen is a bit triggering... clean, uncontaminated.. I think I'll only allow myself to have coffee in here." At the time--I thought it was funny. Now--- I'm thinking I was serious.

Pete isn't happy with me. Definitely tension around here. He says he's fine, but I know he's not. He's mad that Heather and I stayed up all night long to paint. No sleep. Haven't slept since yesterday morning, when I went to bed about 4:30 a.m. Got up at 7:30 to go to the gym for a few hours.

Apparently-- he thinks neither one of us should be driving today (we have some errands/shopping to do) and is mad that we still want to go. He's mad cause "it's not healthy and I'm not supposed to be 'giving in' to those sort of unhealthy things. I'm supposed to be working on things in a more recovery oriented mindset. F--- the mindset. I don't choose that. Besides-- what's wrong with staying up one night? Heather and I used to do it all the time... usually 72 hour weekends with Riss.

Fall semester starts tomorrow, and class doesn't start till 11 a.m. That gives me 5 HOURS from the time Pete leaves for work, and I leave for the gym, until I have to be in class. WOO-HOO!!!!! I don't know why I feel so damn self-destructive lately. It's like some little switch was flipped in my brain, and I'm in full Ana-Mode. No holds barred. The thing people don't get is the more I DON'T eat, the better I feel about myself and my ability to handle the world around me. It's more than just a control thing-- but it's definitely a feeling of safety. The weak feeling eventually leaves. And then this amazing high kicks in. Like runner's high during my long runs-- but this feeling can last for days. At least-- until I finally give in and eat something. But then I usually feel too guilty, end up purging anyhow, and then get the pseudo-high that comes from electrolyte imbalance and endorphins. How sick is that? (that's a rhetorical question...)

Found a great quote by Angelina Jolie--- "If being sane is thinking there's something wrong with being different, then I'd rather be completely FU__ING mental."
I couldn't have said it better myself.

I dunno--
Things with me and Pete have been a bit tense lately, and it's all because of the ED and the cutting. I know he hates it, and when he brings it up-- I end up feeling guilty for hurting him or making him worry--- and so I apologize. But he doesn't accept that. He says I don't need to apologize to him-- but to myself. Well-- THAT's never gonna happen, cause I don't feel bad about the things I do to ME. Granted-- I hate the scars, but I don't go out of my way to cover them up. Why should I? I've accepted the fact that I cut. No- I'm not happy about it, necessarily--- but it doesn't really bother me. In fact-- there are times I actually LIKE seeing the scars. Maybe that's messed up, but I never said I was normal. Besides--- until someone can define "normal" for me, in a way that does not involve "societal acceptance" of behavior and ideals and ideology, I have no problem being UN-normal. I'm already an identical twin. That's all the likeness, the similarities to someone else, that I can handle right now.

I need to do a bit of retail therapy. Nothing better to keep one from eating than to go shopping for clothes in smaller sizes. WOOHOO!!! Even better is when one goes shopping and purposely tries on sizes that said person knows will be too small, even with recent weight loss. . hehehe. Besides, if there is such as size as 00, then 0 is no longer good enough. (Not that my fat ass could fit into a zero right now. I'm still in 2's or 4's.

UGH!! Why do I have to be so goddamn fat???

Posted by Wendy on August 21, 2005 9:52 AM

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