August 16, 2005
Another LOOOOONG Night
It's 3:15 a.m. Why the hell am I still awake. Wide awake... I've tried everything short of swallowing an entire bottle of sleeping pills. Pete went to bed hours ago... but I stayed up to check email. I'm more of a night person anyhow. Pete leaves for work by 6:20 or so, which means he's usually in bed by 11 p.m. My usual 'bedtime' is somewhere between the hours of 1 and 3 a.m. Apparently, today is an exception.
I dunno... I just haven't been in the greatest of moods the entire day, and it's like it all just sorta caught up with me at once. I finally tried to lay down about 1:30 or so, and crawled into bed, careful not to wake Pete up. Laid there forever. And then-- because I am soooo sooooo out-of-control these days, I started thinking about the kids at work, and how much I miss them already, and started thinking about how this is Allie's last year in Elementary school--- and I'm not there..... it just really upset me. So-- I didn't eat today. Coffee, water, diet soda. I made dinner for Pete and did not allow myself even a tiny taste of the rice, even though he offered it to me. Nothing. I'm already on hour 26 of no food. Another five day fast? Why not. Like it matters at this point.
Earlier today, I'd gotten the sweetest email from Angie, and just thinking about her email got me all teary-eyed. Then I started thinking about Alex C. and how Angie wasn't there as a familiar voice/face for him. I guess he cried most of the day. Angie could always calm him down. Even just saying her name would make him smile. But she wasn't there today. I guess she had a similar day, being that she is not at the school this year either.
I started thinking about everything, and then I ended up silently crying for a good 10 min. or so, all the while trying to fight back the tears. Didn't work so well. Then.... the one and only thing on my mind was cutting. I was afraid to wake Pete up... but I had to cut. Had to. For a brief moment, I considered calling Judy-- but it's late, and I'd feel bad for waking either her or Pete up. They both have to work in the morning....
I dunno.... bad day. Too much thinking. Too many thoughts. I carefully crawled out of bed, grabbed my new pack of blades out of my jewelry box and laid back down. I contemplated cutting or not cutting.... calling Judy or not.... waking Pete up or not.... and in the end, the blade won. I've got about 10 new cuts on my arms, two on my stomach and the word "Fat" on my stomach as well. Why? Who the hell knows. I had to. There's a part of me that-- while I was cutting-- wanted to just keep going... to make one cut after another, after another, after another, until my arms were raw. I've never felt that 'disconnected' when I've cut before. When I'm in session with Judy and disassociate-- that's a little different. Cutting is something I always thought I had control over. It's soooo not that way, and I'm starting to realize that.
I knew I couldn't face Pete tomorrow with my arms looking like that.
What the hell is my problem? I seriously think I'm losing my mind. I need out. I need help. I need SOMEthing. Only-- I don't know what it is, so I don't know how to ask for it. In all honesty--- I simply want out. Out of my head, my life, my dreams, this nightmare of an existence that I've come to call my own. I can't keep doing this. I can't keep this up forever. I'm getting so, so tired...
Posted by Wendy on August 16, 2005 1:16 AM
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