July 27, 2005

Does it ever end???

Sometimes I wonder if there is an end to all of this. I've been fighting this damn eating disorder for 16 years, and it seems the harder I try and fight, the harder I fall back down again. It's like the anorexia has to be sure that it stays in control, that IT is the one who is stronger.

It's been tough lately, and I really haven't figured out just why. Is it the fact that I have a new living arrangement with my boyfriend now, and I'm still trying to get used to that? Is it the fact that things from the past are coming back to haunt me again? Does it have anything to do with the fact that I can't quite cross the line yet between sickness and recovery and make a decision in either direction? I don't know. Sometimes all this not knowing, all this confusion makes me feel like I'm trapped on some merry-go-round that's spinning out of control. And no matter what I do, or how hard I try, or how loud I scream... nothing can make it stop. Nothing makes it go away.

I've been so depressed lately, with apparently no reason for it. I don't know what has caused the sudden descent back into the darkness, but lately I just don't feel like me. I just don't feel "normal". I don't feel like I'm really a part of the world. It's like I'm just sitting here watching the world go by. I hate sounding so down all the time when I write, and I don't do it for sympathy or attention or any of that. I simply just write how I feel.

I had my weekly therapy session today, and it was actually a good session. Better than others have been. I guess you could call today a "breakthrough" session. I actually gave in and cried. I NEVER do that. EVER. I have been in therapy with Judy for 6 years now, and never once has she seen me cry. I've gotten close a couple of times, but I've always been able to fight the tears back. Crying, to me, is this sign of weakness. I don't look at other people that same way when THEY cry. That's ok. But it's not ok for me. So, I've always maintained near-perfect composure in session. I don't even cry on my own time, when no one else is around. I feel like it a lot of the time, but the tears never fall. I just can't allow myself to go there.

Anyhow, I was already in one of those "not good" moods and Judy started talking about one of the emails I sent her this past week. (It was pretty much a copy of the previous journal entry from this site). She started talking about how the reason everything is getting harder, so out-of-control lately, is because my old coping mechanisms (cutting, puking, starving, etc.) don't work anymore, to the same extent that they did in the past. They don't accomplish the same 'goal' of getting rid of the feelings. And so I end up doing the behaviors even more, in order to try to get rid of whatever thoughts and feelings I didn't get rid of the first time around. It makes perfect sense. I just wish it wasn't so damn hard. I wish I didn't have to fight this every day, and think about it 24-7.

Then, from out of the blue, Judy asked me what I would say if she were to tell me someday that she couldn't see me anymore. I freaked. I know she wasn't directly saying that, and I know she didn't mean anytime soon, but just the thought of her not being there anymore completely freaked me out. I don't know what I would do.... what I'd think... how I'd act.... Besides P, Judy is the only other person who really knows me. She's the only one who knows me to any depths, and she is one of the VERY few people that I trust. Just the thought of her not being there for me anymore, combined with our conversation of how hard things have been lately, was enough for the tears to fall without me being able to stop them.

She came over and hugged me, and then just held me for awhile, till I'd managed to calm down and stop crying. I know most therapists don't do the hug thing, but for people like me.... I need that. And that's just how Judy operates--- everyone gets a hug at the end of every session. And if a hug is needed somewhere in the middle, you get that too. At first, I wasn't sure what to think, cause I don't like people hugging me or touching me. But with Judy, it's safe. It's more this "motherly-hug", and it's comforting. The only other person I allow to hug me is P and a couple of my friends. Other than that, I close myself off to the rest of the world.

Everything I do anymore, is somehow related to the anorexia. I don't go out with friends, because it usually involves food of some kind. Unless we're going to some party, or out to a bar, I don't go. In fact, I haven't seen most of my friends for the last month or two.

I think another reason for all the stress lately, is that I am doing a half-day session with my therapist at her acreage on Saturday. I know some of it will involve "anger work", which I know I need, but I'm not good at that. I don't get angry. I don't express anger. Sometimes, doing the "mental imagery" type stuff, (like imagining some person is sitting somewhere and you have to tell them how you feel, etc.) doesn't work for me. I know some of the issues we're going to be working through, and I'm rather scared. The abuse from the past keeps coming up time and again, even though I've been trying to push it away for years. I thought I was over it. I thought it was finished. But, what you don't deal with, just stays with you somewhere inside, until you DO eventually deal with it.

Anyway, I'm quite nervous for the session, because I don't know what to expect. Judy did tell me today that it won't be like a normal session. So it's not like we're going to sit there for hours and hours, doing the face-to-face therapy thing. I'm supposed to bring some of my art stuff, so I'm guessing Art Therapy is part of the whole day. God--- this is gonna be like a full day of inpatient treatment. UGH! I know it's probably a good thing in the long run, but I'm still rather unsure about all of this.

I guess the only thing to do, is to show up on Saturday, stay for the entire time and see what comes of it.

Posted by Wendy on July 27, 2005 4:59 PM

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Posted by: Simon Gunns at July 31, 2005 5:07 AM

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