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January 27, 2005

hello this is Tuck

the nevereding story. thats one of my favrite movies. i just watched it on tv. i want a luckdragon to like the boy. my name is Tuck. i am 8 in a half. i was playing in the long grass outside. lloking for frogs. then there wasnt a noise at all. somewon says GET UP YOU HAVE TO GET UP. but no one was there to get up. so i had to walk up the hill up high.
when i come to the front at the top i was in that ladyes office. those girls been crying. i dont no where they did go. im a brave boy. i did say hi to our theripist and tell her to come froggin with me next time. then i tell her by and i drive home and im brave

Posted by pilgrim at 7:32 PM | Comments (1)

January 21, 2005

not fair

I feel really lousy…guilty..bad tonight. Mae is crying inside (again). And I tried to help but there isn’t anything I can do about it because I can’t make the situation change that she’s upset about. She wants our ex-best friend to come back over to play. I was on a walk and feeling lonely and missing her. When Mae gets upset I try to tell her that the same moon and stars that she looks up at are the same moon and stars that K sees… see, we can’t be that far away from each other, right? But Mae just got more upset tonight. And she doesn’t want anything like a blanket or curl up on the bed or a stuffed animal. She wants K. That’s it. I could color with her--- NO. I could get out her dolls--- NO you are not K.

That’s the sucky, completely unfair part about all this that I HATE. I HATE. Mae didn’t do ANYTHING WRONG regarding K. She couldn’t have possibly done anything wrong. Lets just say that me or Caroline or Missy or Nobody might have said something inappropriate, or scared Koff somehow- ok. We may have (although none of us have figured out yet what that could have been.) That’s fine—hold one of us accountable; get angry with us. But Mae—she did NOTHING wrong, and yet, because she is in the same body, she still gets punished. ITS NOT FAIR TO HER. Mae didn’t do anything wrong to K. She still deserves to have K as her friend. And Mae sees herself as her own, complete person, her own little 5 year old self with little ponytails and missing teeth and a brown dress, and sees the world from a 4’ tall viewpoint. She doesn’t have ANY understanding why K is doing this to her. And I try and try to explain that Kisn’t mad at HER, but maybe with someone else or something else might be wrong, but Mae just CANT understand. Its not fair to her. I don’t know how to make it any better. I just don’t.

Posted by pilgrim at 4:24 PM | Comments (1)

January 18, 2005

its been a year

This is a kind of hard day. Last day we saw our best friend.

I didnt come out front until 3:30, after school was over... so i didn't realize what I was wearing. Turns out I am dressed in the exact outfit that was one my best friend wore all the time. A sweater we shared, same black pants, same exact shoes, even a necklace pulled out over the turtleneck in the same way. I look like her twin today.
When I noticed, I felt like I got hit with a brick.

Right now we have the porch light on...just in case she comes knocking on the door. i miss her so much. So much.

Today in therapy, we talked about her. We had the same therapist, too. It was hard. I dont feel like talking about it much right now... I just still feel like everything must be my fault. My therapist doesnt think so. But I just want to see my friends, especially my best friend (*sigh* -ex-)in a positive way. We talked today about maybe I was just too much... too confusing. The switching, you know? Maybe its unnerving. Maybe people can't handle it, even when they say that they can. I can remember once when our friend was over and Mae was laying on the floor crying really hard over something. REALLY hard. Then Missy got sick of it, yanked her out of the way, and came out front in only a second-- it was a really fast switch-- and said "Well that's enough; lets get going to the park." I was behind them, but i could see the startled expression on my friend's face. And that used to happen in junior high a lot too. My best friend Hannah-- she never knew if she said something if she'd get punched in the arm, face a crying jag, get no reaction at all, or get a lecture. It must have been terribly confusing, for both my best friends, to just never know who you were going to face from one moment to the next.
.
.
.
i guess.
we'll keep making excuses for them. give them an out.
my. heart. aches.

I just miss her so much.

Mae still keeps thinking she's coming back too... every time the doorbell rings or the phone rings, we jump just in case.

she isnt coming back. we know this. its the 1 year anniversary.. maybe she was just waiting me out, trying to teach me a lesson... or.. i just dont know, i just dont know. It had to be something I did wrong... she was a nice person.

She left anyway.

i am so lonely. i am just so lonely.

Posted by pilgrim at 7:13 PM | Comments (0)

January 17, 2005

did better today

Today was a day off, and things went better. Kept really busy and was barely at home-- that helped. I was thrilled last night and felt really popular as several people were online and talked to me... thank you to Sarah...Heavens... Monica....my sister...Lori...Kendra... thank you to everyone who took the time to check in with me last night to let me know how you are doing or to pop in and say hi. It means more to me than anyone will ever realize.

Posted by pilgrim at 5:27 PM | Comments (1)

January 15, 2005

nobody

I am so lonely this morning that its making my whole body ache. I can feel it down to my nerves, a heaviness in my heart and body and mind.
I have been trying to keep busy cleaning the house and doing other things. But loneliness keeps hitting me. No one is around. No one knows what I'm doing. No one knows how much I need to talk to someone. There isn't anyone I can call. There isn't any place I can go to connect with someone. The only place I need to go today is the post office. As the anniversary of the loss of my best friend gets closer, the harder it gets to deal with this ache.
I am nobody.
nb

Posted by pilgrim at 11:20 AM | Comments (0)

January 2, 2005

Back to "Normal"

I have been gone for a while on vacation and will be getting back to work and back to my normal life this week. Which makes me curiously wonder, what is "normal", anyway? In any case, I am getting back to my usual routine of work, therapy, work, therapy, work, therapy, and living in isolation. I really miss my family, whom I spent the holidays with. I admit however that I am more comfortable being a hermit, living here in my own home and spending most of my time by myself, even though being lonely and isolated is a huge pain in my heart. Being by myself, as tough as it is, makes my life a little simpler... I dont have to worry about containing myself, I dont have to worry if anyone's going to see me switch, I dont have to be so hyper-aware of what's going on. I've had a hard time the past couple weeks keeping everything in. Now that I'm back at home I can be myself...whether that's a good thing or a bad thing I'm not sure.

Posted by pilgrim at 9:20 PM | Comments (1)

December 13, 2004

I handled the world better today.

I handled things pretty well today on my own. Its almost Christmas vacation, which I'm excited about. I took presents to my colleagues at work today, which they all liked. Its hard for me to get presents from people, but I do really like to give them. I also ate a whole meal today, on my own. I am pretty amazed by that. After 17 years of an eating disorder, I have more bad days with food than good. So it's something to get happy about when I can manage to get some nutrition in me. I got a lot of work done today also, spent most of the afternoon at my desk and computer getting things completed.

I just hope I can make it last. I want this feling to be able to last for more than a few minutes. I want to feel like I can handle something on my own and not need to depend on Caroline, Missy, or anyone else to do it for me.

Posted by pilgrim at 7:38 PM | Comments (0)

November 22, 2004

Webpage on dissociative identity disorder

Tonight I just have a webpage I want to share. Its from the Multiplicity-Abuse-Healing network... I wanted to write something like this, but not feeling like I am of very many useful words lately... so here is the website instead. I am posting it because I feel its important to get this information out to the public...to raise awareness; there is a lot of misconception about what multiplicity is-- people think there are certain "rules" you have to follow to be a "proper" multiple... this webpage helps clear things up a bit.
http://www.m-a-h.net/library/did-heal/article-proper.htm
Thanks for reading.

Posted by pilgrim at 12:37 PM | Comments (1)

November 19, 2004

When you meet someonewith multiple personalities

This is a list that has been compiling on my website...originally it was quoted from another site (http://www.howlingthunder.net/defining/meeting.html) , then myself and members from my website have been adding on. Please....pay attention.

Posted by pilgrim at 3:33 PM | Comments (5)

October 8, 2004

"Kids Day Out"--- old writing

This is from a long time ago, last spring, but I just found it on my computer and wanted to share it. Its something that C**** wrote on another website, about "Kids Day Out". I could use a good laugh tonight, and this one always makes me laugh- the kids just really make me laugh sometimes. :-P

Sunday is kids day out usually. to just play and hang out with my husband and do whatever. games and such. i try to stay out of the way on sundays. (the adults day out is on Saturday). so i didn't interfere. i just feel a BIT sorry for my husband We were eating peas with supper. Mae noticed the peas looked like balls and said something about how it'd be neat if peas came in all different colors so she could have a bowl full of little colored balls to eat.
Said something inside to Tuck who decided to investigate the inside of peas. So then they both started asking husband questions.
What are peas made out of? (Vegetable matter. )But what is THAT made of? (Vegetable matter.) But WHAT IS THAT!? Whats it MADE OF!? (Vegetable.)WHY?! What's in it? Is it made out of the same stuff as grass? is that why its green like grass? well then can people eat grass? (for a few days.) Well then could you pick some grass and put it in some vegetable soup? Does grass count as a vegetable? If i asked Caroline Ann would she say grass was a vegetable? (Maybe.) Why do peas grow in pods? How did the pods get there? If i planted my leftover peas would they grow? (no, they've already been processed and cooked.) Could i grow the peas in the freezer?(no). Well then where can i find peas that i can grow? at the flower store? i could grow some in this flower pot, can we go get some peas? (no). but i want to grow some peas. well then can i grow some grass? is there chlorophyll in the grass? from the sun? like there is in leaves? are leaves vegetables? could you eat leaves? could you put leaves in vegetable soup? can you plant leaves? what if i planted a pea. how does the pod grow around it? is it magic? (now,its how God designed it) But WHY? How? (to protect the peas, to protect the pods.) Because God said so? But what if I planted a pea seed and a grass seed next to each other? Could I make a new plant? Like a peaseed plant?(no). But why not? Couldn't i make a new plant like how people make up new kinds of flowers? like how new roses get made and new vegetables? (no) But why NOT? (I dont KNOW!! I'm not a genetic scientist!!!) But how could I do it? Could a pea ever get mixed up and turn itself into grass? could grass ever turn into a pea? by mistake? (can a baby inside its mom ever turn into a cat?) (they considered this possibility....and wanted to say MAYBE because they both believe in magic) . No. (so then, a pea can't turn into grass.) But WHY? did God tell it what to do? (yes.) WhY?? but HOW? how does it KNOW? can i plant some grass seeds and tell them to be peas? can i grow some flowers?
Then Mae talked him into playing this board game we got for Christmas. So then she chattered away the entire time about fairies and magic gnomes and rainbows and saying magic words.I was glad for that though-- it got her mind off things for a while. But man, her and Tuck, they never stop asking questions once they get started (warning: do not EVER ask Tuck about Mars. please.)my poor husband. i am sure he thinks I'm a nutcase.
C****

Posted by pilgrim at 9:51 PM | Comments (0)

September 14, 2004

Dividing time.

its been a longggg day. Been gone since 7 a.m., and due to work, therapy, open house, and a PTA meeting, I didn't get home until 8:45. The nice thing was a nice thunderstorm on the way home and a beautiful lightning show to watch. It made me think that if I think its a long day, I wonder how other people handle it. Because at least we can divide the day up into sections, and have different insiders out front to handle it. Someone to do the teaching in the morning; someone to eat lunch; someone to go to therapy; someone to go to Open House at school; someone to drive home. It breaks the day into at least several parts. I dont know how normal people handle it, if they dont have different people to do different jobs. Everything gets divided around here.
i suppose that means i'm not strong enough to do things by myself.

Posted by pilgrim at 7:18 PM | Comments (2)

August 21, 2004

triggered

forcing myself to post. wil this make sense?
trigerd. on tv. a man. remind me of someone bad that hrt me. a bad guy.makes me shakae.freeze. my heads all swirly. fogy. this is what it fels like to switch. headache komes. some1 else is here.Mae. i feel pulled away. tired. sucked in to a vacuum. switching...bye.

Posted by pilgrim at 10:11 PM | Comments (2)

August 7, 2004

A touching e mail

I received a very touching e mail from a member of this site today.
It was just what I needed.
I am feeling really down today. I went to group this morning, but i didn't feel like i could participate, because the others there were talking and laughing and joking around about sex and dating. how am i supposed to talk about feeling suicidal or being terrified over learning new memories, when everyone else is laughing and giggling? it would be so out of place... so just... try to disappear instead. i feel like no one cat help me.
i feel really, really alone.
i'm so glad i got that e mail today. It was what I really needed to lift my spirits.

Posted by pilgrim at 3:10 PM | Comments (1)

June 27, 2004

A restful day

Today was actually a pretty good day.
It was a restful day. Yet I was busy. (Bet that made no sense.)
All day I've been working on helping my friend set up our bulletin board
(A Minds Journey). That has been fun. What I like most is that I feel like I'm helping other people by providing a service. Its so hard to find places for support, if you have dissociative disorders. It really is. So now my friend and I have this bulletin board running, where people can come for support, and where we can support each other. That feels good.
If you can't find a place that you need, heck, make it for yourself, right?! :)

Then today the kids played a lot. I was present for it all, which I like better than when I disappear and the kids come out to play. We played with the dogs in the backyard for a while, got bit up by mosquitos, got muddy, went for a walk, waded in the creek. Sundays are good days for being outside and having fun. As Tuck wrote a note to my therapist sometime today, "You know its a good summer if you have blisters on your feet and mosqito bites and the dirt dosent come off your feet even after you wash up."

Posted by pilgrim at 9:27 PM | Comments (0)

June 20, 2004

Distractions

I really need to do a lot of work on my website. I hate how it looks. Maybe that's something I can do tonight to keep me busy until I fall asleep.
All day I've been busy. Went to a movie. Worked on projects all day, things that involved pounding with hammers and nails and lots of wood glue. Wandered Walmart.
busy, busy, busy.
i read a book for a while. exercised. played with my dogs. went out for dinner.
cannot talk about the elephant in the living room. or rather, the elephant in my mind and in my heart.

Posted by pilgrim at 6:32 PM | Comments (0)

June 8, 2004

The problem of having one body.

*yawn*
I have been so busy today. Constantly busy from 8:30 this morning til 9:30 this evening. 2 workshops to attend, several projects, books to read, 2 classes to prepare for (my summer teaching job starts next week), a little time to exercise, etc etc etc.
But really,its like this almost every day.
Everyone inside has something that is THE MOST IMPORTANT THING TO DO. Everyone has something thats on the TOP of their priority list. And of course, everyone also has a list of things they want to do. For instance,
1.my list: try to fit in everyone else's lists
read a book about time
go to the craft store
hang out online for a bit and chill out
2.Caroline's list: get ready for summer classes
get materials ready for fall classes for school
some projects to sew and put together for school
projects to laminate
read "The Highly Sensitive Child" to figure out how
to help Mae a little better
work on her website (the reallly positive one she made
for work)
do all the therapy homework from our T.
3.Mae's list:
do whatever it is she's going to do with that box I got
her last night that she HAD to have
color
swing
paint
play with the dogs
make pudding
4.Tuck's list:
go hang out in the woods all day to explore bugs and
nature and take a magnifying glass and a bug net
5.Nobody's list:
sleep
cut (I refuse to make time for this)
do some sculptures
paint to get her feelings out
do some collages
do some writing for our T
ready "First Person Plural" by Cameron West, PhD. Helps some
not feel so alone. They guy is a multiple, and has
PhD., which is cool because it helps dispel the myth that
all multiples are deranged serial killers.
6.Missy's list:
I don't know specifically what she wants to do, but I'm
sure it has to do with getting work done, getting things
accomplished, and with pushing my body to its limits

This is just the list i can think of off the top of my head, without even going into it too much.
HOWEVER. *AHEM* ****ANNOUNCEMENT****
I have ONE freaking body, everybody!!!
I can't read 3 books at once plus exercise plus make a collage plus do the dishes plus go for a walk plus color plus do therapy homework plus build a birdhouse plus do a sculpture plus paint ALL at the same time!!! ONE body. ONE. ONE.
Some days it feels like my body is going to split apart.
Its such a war inside all the time. I try to arrange for everyone to take turns. I'll have 3 books in front of me at once, and take turns reading a page from each at a time. I'll keep a coloring book right next to my therapy homework notebook. But lately, everyone wants to be in completely separate physical locations as well. Sometimes try to head off in different directions. Then arguing ensues. This is TOO MUCH!
I have no idea how to solve this problem. No idea.

Posted by pilgrim at 7:57 PM | Comments (0)