January 2, 2011

Well I am completely exhausted, didn't get much sleep last night (up every 30 minutes to 2 hours), had a bunch of bad dreams.... and am ready to just sleep for about 5 days straight--- that must mean its time to head back to work! ;-p
We had an interesting vacation home with family. This was the 1st time, due to work schedules, that I spent Christmas at home with my husband. It was nice, and probably long overdue. Hard though.I really want to be at home with my family for Christmas too, like tradition has always been. And when I moved across the country 15 years ago, I promised my Grandma that I would ALWAYS be home for Christmas. It took more than one session with my therapist to convince me to entertain the idea that this was an okay thing to do. But everything worked out, and I had TWO nice Christmases at 2 houses this year.
Things have been very complicated inside. Lots of things in therapy that we don't talk about with anybody, even each other. Lots of secrets being told that we wish would stay secrets. Missy and the Bully are on a tear, yelling and screaming and punishing the kids a lot for talking. And at this time of year we really miss our old therapist Sharon, who dumped us on January 10... things are still hard from that sometimes. We miss her a lot even though our new therapist is so much better for us.
2010 was really hard. We don't remember much of it. We remember watching some of the winter Olympics, a little bit of summer time, holding the new baby, trying to deal with family problems. That's about it. But I think that 2011 will be better. Things are always getting better than they were before. We're going to work on getting back to college-- if we can finally figure out what we want to get our Master's degree in-- we've narrowed it down to 2 fields, at least, so that's a start. And I want to re-read our Bible thru' in a year like we did 2 years ago. We definitely need to work on getting along better (still!) and we need to get our back fixed-- I've been having pretty severe back problems which keep me in pain all the time now. I have 2 doctor appointments coming up. I think that 2011 will be a good year.

Posted by pilgrim at 9:02 AM | Comments (0)

January 5, 2011

This weekend it will be three years since our old therapist, Sharon, dumped us out of nowhere.
It still makes us really sad.
I don't have a lot to say about it... it is still really hard to talk about with words.
But I did want to acknowledge it. There are still a lot of people who read this blog and e-mail us to ask about it.
I think that we would not have made it through this well if our new therapist Kathy hadn't proven herself so amazing and helpful. She has been a real blessing and answer to prayer. The kids just love her.
Losing Sharon was a life-changing event. Its something that I never want to go through again. It was one of the hardest things we ever had happen to us. We never thought we could make it through three days, let alone three years. But looking back now, I can see that there were reasons it happened. There were things we learned. Things I think that God was trying to teach us. I don't think that I can talk about that right now-- maybe someday down the road. Its still too hard. The grief is still too close. The bad dreams are still too frequent. But maybe someday.
We miss her still. Our heart still skips a few beats when we think we see her on the street, when we catch a glimps of a slim person her size with wavy long brown hair, or sunglasses like she had, or a truck or SUV like hers. We still miss so much her hugs, the way she talked, the way she played on the floor or colored with the kids. We don't miss the frustration, the fears of always getting into trouble, of that we might always lose her, of what we were going to do next that might upset her. That was hard.
The way she dumped us was wrong. It was wrong and stupid. Just that out of the blue, one night saying "I'm not going to see you anymore"-- out of nowhere--that was a really lousy way to do it. But really, any way would have been lousy back then. There was no good way. I guess. There would have been better ways though. More ethical ways, more helpful ways. Ways that would have not damaged the kids so much or led to so much more PTSD.
But... it was a long time ago.
What we wouldn't give to be able to talk to her one more time.
Well, the baby is crying and up from her nap, so I better end this for now.
I just wish so much we could see her one more time. There's so much we need to say.

Posted by pilgrim at 2:20 PM | Comments (0)

January 10, 2011

Today is 3 years since Sharon, our old therapist, dumped us with no warning http://www.healthdiaries.com/blogs/pilgrim/archives/2008/01/
that was such a hard, sad time.

it took 2 years to stop obsessing over her

we tried something like 8 therapists after her. most of them sucked royally.
i am so grateful that we found kathy -- members of AMJ helped us find her, and we're so thankful. she is the best therapist that there ever was.

it is still hard sometimes. what sharon did gave us PTSD (more :think ) and has left behind a lousy legacy. but we're dealing with it-- and doing LOTS better. having kathy has helped a lot

God has really been faithful and changed us SO much ever since sharon left. we're not the same person
At 1st we hated God, we hated everybody, weren't going to trust ANYONE ever again. But as time has gone on, even though we have a hurty heart, we have learned to trust a little bit again. There are so many things we wish we could say to sharon. Especially about the lousy way she ended things and how much she hurt us. But we think that she is just too chicken to listen--but hiding behind "boundaries." Maybe its not so much boundaries as she is just too scared to hear what we would tell her because she knows she screwed up, and she can't handle it. Maybe it really is more about her than it is about us.
Maybe....
Maybe.
Jodie, Mae, and Claire still have their doubts. The little kids especially still hurt so much. And Jodie. She still feels so betrayed.
But its better, some. Having a good therapist who is on our side has made a big difference.
Wish we could see her. Wish she could see us now. See how different we are.
We left a voice mail on her answering machine the other day. Saying hi. Reminding her that its been 3 years. Just saying we miss her.
She probably didn't even listen to it.
Anyway.
Long time. I can see the purpose in it all now, sometimes. How going through all that changed us for the better. Made us more independent, more of a cohesive group. Made us better people. But at what expense?
Anyway. 3 years. Long time. Long, long time.When you leave someone who is a multiple, you leave behind a small country. But we will be okay.

Posted by pilgrim at 2:34 PM | Comments (0)

January 14, 2011

This is just my personal website on our experience with DID/dissociation, but if you are looking for the best information on DID and the best blog about dissociation on the internet, please check out Disussing Dissociation (click here) There are dozens of articles about D.I.D. and how to cope with it, not just from a DID therapist's perspective but also many comments from people who have DID.

Posted by pilgrim at 12:32 PM | Comments (0)

January 24, 2011

I think its getting better now,this grief over missing Sharon, our old therapist.
I think we're passed a turning point now. There's something inside going on about it.
We miss her a little bit still. And not to say that we still wouldn't want to talk to her
and still wouldn't like to see her sometime to say a few things. But I think that now
we can see things for how they were. Sharon couldn't help us. She didn't know what she
was doing. She didn't have the skills in a LOT of areas. We also didn't agree with a lot of things she did and said for about 6 of the 7 years we saw her, but we were so afraid of losing that relationship with her that we didn't want to say anything. For instance, the 12 step program stuff, the meetings she had us go to, things like that-- they weren't right for us, and we disagreed with a lot of the things that happened. But, we didn't want to lose her, so we cooperated. We should have set boundaries, or just said no, or been brave enough to say something (well we did sometimes, but it got thrown back in our face, or she'd threaten to stop seeing us, things like that.) But we should have done other things. Anyway. THere was a lot of stuff she said and did that weren't working. But she didn't know how to help. The therapist we've been seeing has so many more skills and is so much better at what she does. The inside kids are making so much more progress now. That is what counts.

Posted by pilgrim at 2:14 PM | Comments (0)

January 27, 2011

Pilgrims contact info:
Email: myfaithlasts@yahoo.com
To send comments and emails

Twitter: JustPilgrim

DID Community :A Minds Journey
Link is to the right

Faith blog: free.for.faith
Email me for the address

Posted by pilgrim at 1:56 PM | Comments (0)