note from jodie
hi its jodie
i dont really write much here anymore...or anywhere.. because there isn't a lot for me to say, since i pretty much would write the same things all the time [i'm depressed, i'm fat, i hate myself, i want to cut, i need to lose weight, i miss sharon, etc] so... i figure rather than repeat myself all the time, just keep my mouth shut
the kids get all the time they need to talk in therapy which is good
Carolineine always says the kids come first
and i understand that. the kids are making so much progress its amazing.
jadie has changed so much in only 9 months, from a kid who threw tantrums all the time and just yelled, hit, kicked, and tore things up, to a kid who laughs and plays games and tries to talk now. what a difference
and the other kids are changing as well
and Carolineine, of course, is always chipper and upbeat, so much that i just want to slap her sometimes...who can really be that happy all the time?
everyone's changing.
except for me . i never seem to change
well, except i get fatter :(
i still have stomach aches all the time (like right now)
i'm supposed to have a turn to talk on monday, but they've said THAT before
everything just stays piled up inside me and takes up too much space, it doesn't all fit, i feel so huge, its hard to hold everything in all the time when the kids get to talk...
its coming up on my hard time of year, starting next week with the anniversary of the death of one of my friends.then comes october. etc.
so i just wanted to say that i am still here, even though i don't really talk anymore.
i just wanted someone to know i'm still alive. i am so lonely and need to talk so bad... but, it seems so pointless, because i never change, i never really get it all out, and i just talk about the same stuff over and over again. i get so frustrated with myself. i want to change, i think. i just don't know how. i'd have to change my whole personality into a different person, and i don't know how to do that. i'd have to forget all about the things that happened and about kevin and sharon and the people that have died that i remember and everyone that left me, and i don't know how to do that either.
so anyway. i'm just hiding in here. popping out to say hello.
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:
