Found my old best friend

short background 1st: I met my best friend in 5th grade. We were basically best friends during the years I was in gifted classes-- the years when Missy was the main personality (for those of you who have had the misfortune of interacting with Missy....my apologies). Missy was always very rough, in-your-face with her intelligence and her loud mouth. She and I were always complete opposites. This is the person that my best friend knew. But she hung out with me anyway.

Then in college--out of NOWHERE-- best friend (A) dumped me. Not very nicely either. By then, Carolineine was around. Soft-spoken, help-everyone, love everybody Carolineine. With Jo on occassion-- anorexic, scared Jo. Best friend A said, "We're not friends anymore-- I'm worried about your mental stability. I am too old for a best friend anyway-- that's such a junior high thing. Besides, I have a new best friend." Uh...okay.

Basically, she broke my heart. Then she disappeared. We lived in different states by that point, and lost touch.

Fast forward 18 years. Through a friend who knew her sister on Facebook, i tracked her down on Saturday night and messaged her back.

From looking at her profile, she is NOT the type of person I want to be friends with these days anyway. But I just wanted to see what she is up to. She actually messaged me back. Turns out she is on the other side of the world, married. Looks like she spends her time drinking, partying. Don't know what else i would have expected out of her anyway.

I don't know though... I feel WEIRD.
There is a part of me that wishes for an apology from her-- even though I know it will never come. She is CLUELESS about the fact that she broke my heart (and Jo's especially)
She knew about the anorexia, but nothing else.
There's probably no point in explaining anything to her-- she wouldn't get it (always a bit on the airheady side anyway.)

I just feel weird. Its an answer to prayer, really-- just to find her. Always figured she had died or something. So now I have my answer. I guess I can let it go.
But still, something in my heart wants more. I will never get an apology, and that wouldn't ever work anyway. She can't take back the hurt she caused. And I don't want a relationship with her-- she isn't the kind of person I want to be friends with now.
I guess I just feel bad for Jo...the teenager who lost her friend. I feel bad for the heartbreak.

Posted by pilgrim | Filed under: