My heart still hurts
I'm doing lots better in a lot of things. I am.
If I could just wipe out all these memories of Sharon. All of them. Every memory, even the good ones, make me so sad.
Sometimes I can go about 2 hours without a thought about her. That's much better than the constant ruminating from last year. I try so hard to not think about her at ALL. When thoughts of her come to my mind, I try to distract myself. I try hard to keep myself busy. I read a LOT of books. Fast-moving Christian fiction suspense novels, Joyce Meyer books, Karen Kingsbury novels that I can't put down-- things that I can't wait to see how they end.
I also play endless rounds of Solitaire. Something mindless. Numbers I can zone out on. Red black red black red black red black...
But there are still so many, many things that remind me of Sharon. My heart aches to just get to talk to her. To set things right. To have some closure with her.
Its like she's dead. Its like she was never here.
Its like she never was.
I try to tell myself, none of it ever happened. None of it was real. It wasn't me. None of it happened to me. All of it-- all those years of therapy, of talking, Mae, the kids, Missy, everyone- none of it was real. A bad dream. Someone else. Sharon. Caroline Ann. Having people care. It wasn't real. It happened to someone else. Just my imagination. Because it was really too good to be true.
Maybe it was.
My crazy imagination.
Because now its all gone, and I have none of it left, except for a lot of bad memories and an ache in my heart that won't go away no matter how much I pray.
I miss her so much.
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:
It is SO hard to lose a therapist that you can really connect with...someone who is wise and who has the knowledge and experience to help us. I have gone through that.
My heart goes out to you, Pilgrim. I hope you can allow yourself to grieve in healthy ways.
I had a young intern therapist tell me something once that really helped me. I don't know if it will help you or not...but I share it gladly.
We were talking about losing friends...for whatever reasons. She said that it helped her to look at them as gifts for a time rather than losses. It put things in a more positive light.
Of course, that does not mean that we don't miss them...and even grieve for awhile. What it does do for me, though, is help me to be more open to making new friends...getting a new therapist. It also helps me to look back without quite as much pain on the blessings of the former connections.
But yeah, Pilgrim...it really does hurt, especially when it is someone who has been very instrumental in my healing journey.
I relate. I have a therapist who, even now, if I think of her I can get teary. She is thousands of miles away. I can, at least, talk with her on occasion...but it's not the same.
sending safe love and gentle hugs to all who want them...if you want them.
Survivor
Pilgrim,
honey wow, i have spend the last two weeks reading all your posts (from the first one till the last one) and i must say, i really admire you. you are a strong person. I never really knew much about DID until now, i have gotten a big interest on it and have read about it and done a lot of reserach. You are a great person and you are strong, you really deserve the best.
I know you dont want to hear it about your ex T, but honestly think about it; ever since Sharon stopped seeing you, you have became a different person. Maybe that's what you needed and maybe that's why she let you go. You see life in a completely different way now and that's good. maybe Sharon realized that you and the others were depending on her too much and that would have never gotten you to be more independent and change, so she figured it was the best thing to do. I know it still hurts that she let you go, but try looking things ina different way, look at it in a positive way honey. Talk to the others, Mae especially and let them know that maybe Sharon wasnt trying to hurt you, but just simply help you. Hopefull you do think about it and it helps you feel better.
Eat healthy, it's good for you. Do it not only for yourself but for you sister and her kids. I know you love them.
Pilgrim your a great person, from what i have read and you deserve to be happy. Give yourself a break from all the negative things and keep on focusing on the positive things in life.
I know this is the first time i post, but if you ever need to talk or feel lonely you could always email me. I like making friends. :)
well sweety i wish you and the others the best of luck. keep your head up and always remember that you are a great person and you deserve all the best thing in life and not a bit less.
-Jackie