April 2, 2009

I got a new doctor, thank goodness. He is nicer than my old one and less intimidating. Easier to talk to. I did not bring up the DID. The only thing I would admit to is depression and PTSD. He prescribed Effexor for me. Effexor is supposed to work on 2 chemicals in my brain instead of just one, and I"m praying that THIS will be the medication that will actually work for me. No other med has really helped too much, even Wellbutrin, which really fizzled out after a while. I think the Effexor is helping me a little bit already. The past 2 days, when it was time to get up in the morning, I was actually ready to get up. Yesterday and today I have actually been in a good mood, instead of feeling so oppressed inside. I laughed a little bit at a joke I heard on the radio yesterday too....that is really rare these days. So I am hopeful, and praying that God will allow this Effexor to be the thing that will finally help.

Posted by pilgrim at 4:10 PM | Comments (0)

April 8, 2009

So far I have been on my effexor for about 2 weeks and I think that my mood is improving. It feels like that black cloud that has been over me for years and years is lifting. It's very strange. Good strange, of course; I'm thankful-- very thankful. Right now I'm on 150 mg. I don't know if my doctor will want to up it or not. I see him at the end of the month. One annoying side effect though is that I have a hard time staying asleep at night. I take trazadone to help me fall asleep at night, which I've been on for years because of insomnia. But lately I have been waking up between 3 and 5 times for a couple hours in the mornings, well before its time to get up. Thankfully I fall back to sleep okay. But its very annoying and I don't exactly feel well-rested. I'm a sleep hog, and sleep is incredibly important to me. So this side effect is making me a little anxious and I don't know what to do about it. I am trying to figure out what time of day is best to take my Effexor so that it won't effect my sleep so badly. If there is a best time of day.
I hope I can figure that out.
I don't think that weight gain is going to be any problem with effexor. It makes me a little nauseous and makes everything (even my favorite foods) sound disgusting. Which is okay with me. I have been thirstier though so I find myself actually wanting to drink water, which is something I have had a problem with in the past, not drinking enough.
Mostly though its working out well.
I'm having a crazy busy week. Long hours at work as usual. Then after work, at night, I have play practice because I'm going to be in the Good Friday play at my church. Its cool and I think its going to bring a lot of glory to God. But I sort of can't wait til it to be over with because its exhausting! I can't wait though to see the impact it has on the audience.

Posted by pilgrim at 8:26 AM | Comments (1)

April 13, 2009

I'm doing lots better in a lot of things. I am.
If I could just wipe out all these memories of Sharon. All of them. Every memory, even the good ones, make me so sad.
Sometimes I can go about 2 hours without a thought about her. That's much better than the constant ruminating from last year. I try so hard to not think about her at ALL. When thoughts of her come to my mind, I try to distract myself. I try hard to keep myself busy. I read a LOT of books. Fast-moving Christian fiction suspense novels, Joyce Meyer books, Karen Kingsbury novels that I can't put down-- things that I can't wait to see how they end.
I also play endless rounds of Solitaire. Something mindless. Numbers I can zone out on. Red black red black red black red black...
But there are still so many, many things that remind me of Sharon. My heart aches to just get to talk to her. To set things right. To have some closure with her.
Its like she's dead. Its like she was never here.
Its like she never was.
I try to tell myself, none of it ever happened. None of it was real. It wasn't me. None of it happened to me. All of it-- all those years of therapy, of talking, Mae, the kids, Missy, everyone- none of it was real. A bad dream. Someone else. Sharon. Caroline Ann. Having people care. It wasn't real. It happened to someone else. Just my imagination. Because it was really too good to be true.
Maybe it was.
My crazy imagination.
Because now its all gone, and I have none of it left, except for a lot of bad memories and an ache in my heart that won't go away no matter how much I pray.
I miss her so much.

Posted by pilgrim at 2:14 PM | Comments (2)