I miss Sharon so much.

I tried joining a new art group tonight. To have some fun.
Before I left i was already in a sad mood because my ex best friend is probably going to die from her anorexia, and i wish so much i had sharon to talk to about it. i miss talking to her so much.there's so much i need to say to her.

then at the group, there was this lady who smelled just like sharon. just like her. i don't know if it was her perfume or her shampoo or what. the instant i smelled her, i knew it was sharon's smell, even though i haven't smelled it in over a year. it made my stomach lurch. i was already near tears when i left for the group, by then i could barely hold the tears back. i wanted so badly for it to be sharon standing right there that i could almost see her, almost feel her hand, almost hear her voice, you know?

i tried sitting at the opposite end of the table from this lady during the group, but there was a demonstration of a little clay device and we ended up all scrunched together and i was next to her again. i kept going from trying to avoid breathing in, to drinking in the smell. it was ridiculous. i wanted so badly for it to be sharon that my heart hurt and i could barely breathe and i was just flooded with memories.

so i left. i had a stomachache anyway, so i told the person i wasn't feeling well. i barely made it out the door before i dissolved into tears. I don't even know what to say to God anymore. I just miss Sharon so much. I hate everything that happened, that everything ended so badly, that she did all that, that I screwed up, that all the things that were so good just went so bad so fast. I just hate it. Its like I have PTSD from Sharon or something. I miss her so much, but it hurts so badly.

i am not going back to that group

Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:

Hi Pilgrim

I dont often post, but this post broke my heart. I know its been a year since Sharon quit as your therapist. I am so sorry that you are still in so much pain.

I dont know you nor Sharon. I can say this. I am a therapist too. Perhaps Sharon sensed or felt that there was a huge dependency going on. Its normal to be dependant on a therapist...but sometimes it can affect the work needing to be done.

My thinking, is that the issue is Sharon's ...not yours. I have read your entire blog....you did nothing wrong. Please try to stop blaming yourself.

Sharon is the professional...and she should have ended the therapy in a much healthier way. What happened was cruel...with no real explanation, or even a little guidance to help you move on. I wish this had not happened to you...you did not deserve it.

By the way...I also have anorexia/bulima (in recovery since 1998) Its still a struggle so I get it when you talk about your urges or not eating.

Sweetie...please dont give in to those voices telling you lies. The ones that tell you its ok to miss a meal..or two. That you need to lose weight. Its a lie, a dreadful lie.

I am sorry about your friend. When I was in residential treatment for 6 months, I too made a good friend. She didnt make it.

I will pray for your friend, and I always pray for you.

Take care.

1. Posted by Laurie on March 20, 2009