One Year Anniversary
Today is the 1 year anniversary of when Sharon left me. Us.
There is a part of my heart that is aching badly, because I miss her so much. But I have changed so much in the past year... I am a different person than I was 1 year ago. I am not the person that Sharon judged and decided she wanted nothing to do with anymore. And that is her loss. If she would have stuck around, given me the chance I asked her for, she would have seen the changes I told her were coming. But she didn't. If she would give me another chance, she would see that I am so different, and that things would be very different than they were before. If she would just give me the chance.
Today I am trying to start over again. To regain a new life and become a new me, even if it means doing it all on my own, just me and God.
2008 was hard for me from the moment it started til it ended. All the whole year I kept thinking, "This is a hard year." But now its over. And now I am thinking "THIS is a good year." Now I have a new chance to move on and start over. I survived my rough, awful year. All sorts of things happened last year. For months I was lost in nightmares and endless ruminating over what I had done so wrong to make Sharon, who said she wouldn't leave me, to hurt me this way so badly. I lost 2 friends to breast cancer. One of my students died. A student broke my arm. There were all sorts of changes at work. I left my job that I loved. There were family problems. My husband got MRSA. I lost friends.I lost so much weight and got so sick that I had to go back inpatient. And those are just the highlights of the lousy stuff.
But it was a learning year. At 1st I thought, surely God had abandoned me, had made all this bad stuff happen to punish me, and was up in Heaven on his throne laughing at me. I had been bad somehow, and this was my punishment, and I since I couldn't trust Sharon, I couldn't trust anyone else, certainly I couldn't trust God. God had let this happen. God had let Sharon leave me and hurt me.
Except that wasn't true. What I learned was that God was there through everything. That my trials were not there to weaken me and leave me to die, but there to strengthen me and show me how to live better. That God was calling me to Him, calling me back to Him alone. I learned that everything that happens is part of a good plan that he has for me, because he is good and loving and everything that God does is good and loving. And so much more. I learned to look for the positive. And I learned to speak positively about things, even the hard things. I learned to thank God for all things, even the things that happen that I don't like.
Do I miss her? God, YES. Do I want Sharon back? Desperately. Does it still hurt? Achingly so. But my God is greater than these problems. I am learning to have hope again. Life will be okay again someday. Life IS okay...now. I am blessed NOW. I am grateful for every small thing these days. Hot, clean water. A safe house. A safe ride to work on a busy highway. Getting to work on time. A soft bed to sleep in. That God keeps my family safe and healthy. Food in the cupboard. Kind e-mails from people. Sunshine this morning when my husband and I took the dogs on a hike. That I am not in the same place I was in a year ago today. The way the baby rubs her face and head when she wakes up from a nap, and smiles at me.
God is good...all the time.
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:
This post was difficult to read...I could sense your pain. In the end though, it was truly uplifting. Thank you.
I know how much it still hurts. Anna has finally helped me heal from it myself. I saw where you sent an email to Sharon asking for her to take you back. While it seems perfect that she would, I would imagine it would be extremely difficult to ever trust her again and that might cause you a whole lot of stress. Worrying that the day will come where she'll do it again and you'll go through yet another year like 2008. I believe time heals...and God will send someone your way.