I am angry because you have information I need, medical and psychological, and I have no way of getting it. And I feel like I can’t move on. You ignore my e-mails and you ignore my phone calls and I am so mad at you for that because if you keep on ignoring me I don’t know how in the world I will ever get the information I need. It must be so nice for you to just be able to so easily sweep someone out of your life.

I am angry at you for that night you called 911. You said you tried to call T. Did you know that actually the phone never rang at our house? I don’t know if you accidently called the wrong number or what, but it wasn’t here you called. I am angry at you for giving up on me. If you would have hung in there another couple of weeks last January you would have seen some different things things start happening but you didn’t give me the chance to even tell you and then you wouldn’t listen. I am angry that I have lost over a year of my life because of what happened with you. I am angry that I still have nightmares about you.

I am angry that I still worry all the time about you and wonder what you think when you probably don’t ever think about me or care about me at all. I am angry that I can’t ever even think about the good things that happened in therapy with you because it makes me too sad. I am angry that after you left, Mae put all her toys away. I am angry that Mae still cries about you and asks for you. I am angry that I still pray for you and ask God to bless you. I am angry that I spent most of the year starving and suicidal because of what happened. I am angry that I have to fight so hard to even get some semblance of a life back after you left. Of course it was a mistake that I ever made anyone so important in my life that losing you would completely devastate me. That was a lesson I learned to never make anyone important except God. Over a year later I still trust no one except God. I have had to fight hard to make a lot of changes this year. I have had to fight immensely hard just to pick up and try to get life started again, on my own.

I look back on 7 years and I realize what a pain I must have been to you. How needy I was. I found some of my old letters to you and I realize, man, was I ever high-maintenance back then. My mind was so confused. I am so sorry for the time and trouble I took. I cannot imagine needing 2 hours of therapy a week now. Maybe an hour every couple of weeks now. I am really sorry. But that is not what this letter is about. I am so tired of beating myself up for everything I did wrong and I try not to do that anymore. Even if you don’t ever forgive me, at least God has. I don’t live in the past anymore (except this damn thing with you, which is the only thing I can’t seem to move on from, because I can’t talk to you about it and I need to…but I guess I will have to figure out a way to move on from it on my own.)
Of course I have learned lessons. I have grown up the past year. I had to learn a lot of things the hard way. I have had 3 friends die and so didmy favorite student. I NEEDED YOU and you weren't there. A student broke my arm and I quit my job. I have a baby to take care of. I am a completely different person than I was when you knew me.

I want so much to come to your office, and tell you what this past year has been like and what I have learned. I don’t know if you care. Or if you have thought of me a minute since last January. There is still a part of me that thinks this has all been a bad dream and that one of these days I will wake up, and it’ll be Thursday at 5:00 and time to go back to your office and things will be right again. I hope some day you will talk to me again.
Anyway…that’s all. I wish you had never done this. I expected so much more from you, I believed in you and I thought that you believed in me. I loved how we worked together and no one can ever take your place. I thought you thought the same. I wish I hadn’t been so incredibly wrong.
Pilgrim