Great Sadness
This is the 1st year that Mae didn't get any Christmas presents. No toys. Tonight in the shower she started talking out loud and started crying for Sharon and how badly she wanted so much to go back to Sharon's office . And my heart broke some more for her.
I can't fix anything.
This has been the hardest year in my life and there is a large part of my that still hates Sharon.
This sadness that has entered my soul seems like it will never go away.
I'm so tired of crying over it.
I'm so tired of Mae asking for Sharon. So tired of the ache over what she did. So tired of missing her, of begging God--BEGGING-- please, please, PLEASE, I'll do anything, anything, to have Sharon back. How can Mae love someone who betrayed and hurt her so badly. How can I?
The pain in my heart is so tangible I can practically touch it, the desire to be back in Sharon's office, Mae wants to sit there and color and talk and cry and be heard, there is so much to tell, so so much to tell, she wants to e-mail Sharon and write her letters, and ask why and why and WHY and how could you DO that, how could you even refuse to say goodbye, how could you change like that, how could you turn out to be so mean when you promised you wouldn't? Sharon broke so many promises, she said so many things that she forgot she said. Yes she was just a person but when you have a little girl like Mae trusting you, the 1st person she ever trusted, you should do whatever you can to not betray that trust, instead of on purpose breaking that trust. And for that I hate Sharon. And miss her so much. Because what I wouldn't give too, to be back there, to have someone to talk to?
There is so much to tell, so much to talk about. All this that has been held in so tightly for a whole year, for a whole year now pretending everything is okay, when I am really bursting at the seams with things that I need desperately to talk about, praying they will go away, praying that God will heal my broken heart, praying desperately that God will bring Sharon back to me, that He will make things right.
I hate all of this. I hate all of this. I hate what Sharon did. My heart, it hurst so much that the ache spreads throughout my body down to my fingertips.
But I still keep a smile on my face and pretend like nothing is wrong because I have no one to talk to anymore. I miss her so badly. My heart aches so much. The ache that Sharon put there. How I wish so much I could tell her I'm so, so very sorry for whatever I did wrong, how Mae is so so sorry for being bad, for being her, for being us, for whatever we did wrong. Please just give us 1 more chance. We are not like we were. We are so different. Please just give us another chance. We pray every day. An ache and a prayer that are so big they fill up the sky from here to Heaven.
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:
I wish I could help more. All I can is empathize and say I understand...I've been there and sometimes still am. Anna has helped me stop thinking about Stephanie so much. It has been a little over a year for me...September was a year...and I still think about it every single day.