December 15, 2008

I love this ministry. It does so much good, especially for children. For more information, see www.joycemeyer.org

Posted by pilgrim at 4:56 PM | Comments (0)

December 28, 2008

This is the 1st year that Mae didn't get any Christmas presents. No toys. Tonight in the shower she started talking out loud and started crying for Sharon and how badly she wanted so much to go back to Sharon's office . And my heart broke some more for her.
I can't fix anything.
This has been the hardest year in my life and there is a large part of my that still hates Sharon.
This sadness that has entered my soul seems like it will never go away.
I'm so tired of crying over it.
I'm so tired of Mae asking for Sharon. So tired of the ache over what she did. So tired of missing her, of begging God--BEGGING-- please, please, PLEASE, I'll do anything, anything, to have Sharon back. How can Mae love someone who betrayed and hurt her so badly. How can I?
The pain in my heart is so tangible I can practically touch it, the desire to be back in Sharon's office, Mae wants to sit there and color and talk and cry and be heard, there is so much to tell, so so much to tell, she wants to e-mail Sharon and write her letters, and ask why and why and WHY and how could you DO that, how could you even refuse to say goodbye, how could you change like that, how could you turn out to be so mean when you promised you wouldn't? Sharon broke so many promises, she said so many things that she forgot she said. Yes she was just a person but when you have a little girl like Mae trusting you, the 1st person she ever trusted, you should do whatever you can to not betray that trust, instead of on purpose breaking that trust. And for that I hate Sharon. And miss her so much. Because what I wouldn't give too, to be back there, to have someone to talk to?
There is so much to tell, so much to talk about. All this that has been held in so tightly for a whole year, for a whole year now pretending everything is okay, when I am really bursting at the seams with things that I need desperately to talk about, praying they will go away, praying that God will heal my broken heart, praying desperately that God will bring Sharon back to me, that He will make things right.
I hate all of this. I hate all of this. I hate what Sharon did. My heart, it hurst so much that the ache spreads throughout my body down to my fingertips.
But I still keep a smile on my face and pretend like nothing is wrong because I have no one to talk to anymore. I miss her so badly. My heart aches so much. The ache that Sharon put there. How I wish so much I could tell her I'm so, so very sorry for whatever I did wrong, how Mae is so so sorry for being bad, for being her, for being us, for whatever we did wrong. Please just give us 1 more chance. We are not like we were. We are so different. Please just give us another chance. We pray every day. An ache and a prayer that are so big they fill up the sky from here to Heaven.

Posted by pilgrim at 7:09 PM | Comments (1)

December 29, 2008

Since Christmas with my family I have been thinking a lot. Maybe it doesn't matter if I actually "recover" from my eating disorder or from any of the other stuff or not. Maybe its just a lifestyle now. Maybe its just how I am. Maybe cutting is just something I do. Maybe DID is just something I have. Maybe throwing up is just an occassional bad habit. Maybe none of this matters.
I mean really, I spend most of my time alone. I don't have real friends. I don't have someone to talk to about all the stuff in my head. I have a life full of secrets. There isn't a person on earth who knows the real me.No one knows that I go in the bathroom and cry my eyes out. Sharon knew some, but she's gone and she doesn't give a damn, if she ever did. My life is full of secrecy. When I have a problem, I can scream all day, but there isn't anyone to hear me. I did that tonight. I cried out loud all evening, but it was just between me and Jesus, and I'm still waiting for him to show up.
I tried calling my husband at work instead of cutting, but when he got home, he was just upset about it. So I will NOT be doing that again. Now I just feel stupid for trying to reach out to anyone for once instead of cutting. What would have been the real harm in cutting in the 1st place?
All I want is for someone to talk to. All I want is a real friend. Someone to be there for me when I need them. But it never comes.
Maybe it doesn't actually matter that I'm like this. I don't know anymore. As long as I'm in the bathroom and being quiet...no one knows anyway. Its not like there's anyone to report me to. No one can go tell Sharon or Caroline Ann anymore. No one can go say "Pilgrim's doing this" and get me in trouble.
I just want to go home. To heaven. I keep waiting, and waiting. All those years I kept telling Sharon "I want to go home", she always kept thinking I meant back to when I was tiny, and I did, but mostly I mean, back to where I belong, because I never belonged on this planet in the 1st place.

Posted by pilgrim at 6:43 PM | Comments (2)

December 31, 2008

Time seems to be just standing still the past few days. I feel like I'm in a waiting game. Waiting for things to change, waiting for I don't know what for. Waiting for God to do something. I've done and said and prayed everything I can think of in 2008. I'm exhausted in every way a person can be. I've changed so much. But I still have that ache. I need so badly for God to do something. For things to be different inside me still. I need a person to show up, a friend to call, someone to reach out to me and call me up to get together. I need my phone to ring or a car to pull up at my house. IneedJesusinpersontoshowup. Time just seems to be NOT MOVING ON. I feel like everything around me is standing still. I've done everything I can think of, asked God for help in every way I can imagine. I'm just .... waiting. Its like the whole world is moving on, but here I stand alone.

Posted by pilgrim at 1:46 PM | Comments (1)