Mind,Mouth, Moods, and Attitudes
I've been trying so hard to change my thoughts and my heart. Well, I've been trying to let God do it. I'm so glad that God is more patient with me than people are. Right now I am listening to this CD set by Joyce Meyer called Mind, Mouth, Moods, and Attitudes-- one of the many sets I have from her now. This one is about purposely thinking right thoughts and developing emotional stability--which we desperately need. What comes out of my mouth has become more positive lately but my thought life needs a lot of work. You can get it here if you're interested:https://shop.joycemeyer.org/eStore/Products/JMM/PID-C133.aspx
Another good one her book called Battlefield of the Mind.
If I could just go back to therapy again with Sharon things would be so different. I wish God would just let me have the chance. God says that our past is forgotten when He forgives us. Therefore I've been trying hard to act,talk,and think (that's hard) like I don't have the past that I had. I am working so hard to focus on what's going on right now and on the future, instead of thinking about the past all the time. I think that's one of the main things that gave me problems before. I couldn't let go of it. And I think that Sharon got tired of fighting it out of me. But I don't do that any more... about 98% of the time. It is hard and it gets me down. But believing God is important to me, and God says that He forgets our past. That I can do anything. I want so much to focus on more positive things. I wish I could talk to Sharon about it. Things would be so different.
But she won't have anything to do with me.
God thinks about me all the time. God won't give up on me like weak people do. Someday maybe God will help me out of this pit.
Which now that reminds me, there's another great book: Get Out of That Pit! By Beth Moore. Its one of the best ones I ever read . If you ever get the chance to read it, please read it. I've read it twice in the past week and I need to read it again.
God I just pray that this heaviness will lift some time. More bad dreams about Sharon and someone else that hurt me last night. I pray for them. I miss them. I hope they are having good lives... I just wish I could be a part of them again. My heart hurts so much. God says that He heals the brokenhearted... I am trying so hard to believe that and wait for that healing to happen.
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:
I'm just going to tell you what my T would tell me regarding Stephanie:
Shoving things she did down and not dealing with the root problem only makes symptoms worse for you (ie, anorexia). It's a coping mechanism those of us with DID (and others who were abused) learned as a child. The problem is, they're SURVIVOR RESPONSES and will only make us feel worse even when we think it's best. I know forgetting what Sharon did is what you want. I want to forget Stephanie too, but I had to walk through what Stephanie did to me with another therapist (who, at the time, I could not STAND because all I did was sit and cry to want Stephanie back) and actually greive what I lost when she did what she did. My T would say, "Okay, tell me the story of what Stephanie did." She didn't say "tell me all the secrets you told Stephanie." That came with time.
I told her my story. She would say, okay, what did you feel when she said the words "you're not worth my time." I would say, "I felt, X, Y, Z." Then we'd go to the next step. What did I lose because of Stephanie? Well, I lost hope, faith in the world, more trust was shattered because she rejected me and on and on. It took me about 4 months of doing this session after session, and praying and crying and grieving, and eventually my grief lifted SLOWLY. It was not overnight. And now, it has been 1 year and rarely does Stephanie enter my mind anymore.
The bottom line is that shoving these things down are going to make your symptoms worse -- and you have many other people inside you who need help and need guidance and need support.
What Katie wrote seems to make sense.
I thought of Mae today when I was in therapy and T told Rachel (who is 7) that it was Katie's turn to take care of her since she had taken such good care of Katie. I don't know why really, but Mae came to my mind.
Is a very good thing that you recognize that your attitude is not the best and is good too that you’re trying to change.
glangy
Outsourcing solution
I always find it helpful to surround myself with the type of energy that I want to become. The dark cannot exist where there is light.
You really are doing so much better with the positive thinking, praying, reading encouraging books, listening to uplifting "sermons"!!! Having your heart broken (on top of everything else you've endured) is so difficult, but I'm sure you're on the right path to healing through Jesus, His Word, and His ministers.