I GET it. God loves me.
Let me tell you what I have been going through the past 2 days. Unbelievable torment in my mind. Worse than its been since Sharon left me back in January-- I felt like I was back there again, like it was just the day after she left me, and all the little progress I made was gone. I just have been tormented lately. I have been feeling like I was just under attack.
Then last night I was at the end of my rope-- crying. I hate you Satan. I hate what you do in my life. I hate everything that's happened. I told God (AGAIN)- if you dont help me then I am not going to make it. I have been BEGGING God to increase my faith, to help me believe things. I have been wanting to die. Things have just been too hard.
I have been having such a hard time because I didn't believe God loved me. I didn't believe that the words in the Bible were for ME. And that is where my crossroads has been. I have felt stuck. I have wanted to believe but unable to. So I prayed and prayed last night.
THEN I TOOK A XANAX, ha ha! So then I was in such a STUPOR-- after crying for so long-- that in my stupor I just started saying, Okay God, whatever you say, I believe you. I believe you. Okay. Okay, if you say it, I'm going to believe it.
I guess I made a choice.
So today I continued with my Beth Moore Bible Study on Believing God, when I got home from a workshop today(school) and I just said, OKAY. I'm going to believe it. God, I believe you love me. Okay whatever you say, I believe it.
AND I ACTUALLY BELIEVE IT NOW. For like 4 hours now I've been going around saying "God loves me." I watched a Joyce Meyer tape that came in the mail today that is titled "I belong to God and He loves me."
And I believe it.
I talked with my husband about it for a while but not too much because I don't want conversations with people to undermine what I am trying to work through with God--
and I just decided. I believe God. I believe He has a plan for my life. A plan for good and not evil. I believe God loves me. Even me, stupid Pilgrim who takes 35 years to get anything into her head. God is bigger than my sin and bigger than my stupidity and bigger than the problems in my head. God loves ME. I get it now. I get it now.
And wouldn't you know, just this evening a secret prayer I had in my head that I only told God came true-- The Many Voices Press newsletter has come out listing my Christian internet support group at the TOP of its links page.
It is HERE: http://freeforfaith.ipbfree.com/ if anyone would like to join in our talks about God and life and problems. I have been praying that God would make it bigger- and now it has the chance to.
But that isn't the important thing. I GET IT. I get it. God loves me. The God of the universe, loves me, even though all this other stuff is happening, even though everything is hard, God loves me.
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:
All the time my T tells me I am at a crossroads and I can choose Christ or I can let the devil steal any joy I may have. She reminds me that I am WORTH fighting for even when everyone else has given up on me. Even when I feel like I am hopeless and worthless and a horrible person, God will love me. I am learning too. I think your post gives me inspiration too.
So thanks.
wow thats awesome! i stumbled on your writings a few days ago and was perusing the early stuff but that was from so long ago. i just wanted to see something recent and what a difference between 2004 to now! God can work miracles and the fact is that he does love you so much. You are as white as snow in his eyes. go check out Philippians 4:13 if you haven't stumbled over it already. Its one of my favorites. I have been learning some of the same things you have after a very serious car accident about 6 months ago that completely destroyed my world and took a big hit at my faith. I just did an EMDR treatment for PTSD today, we will see if it worked! it was tough though and so tiring! I just thank God that I have gotten back on track with him so that i can lean on him while i try and deal with this before college, yes im young (only 18) so it wasn't exactly the best timing in the world from my point of view. But i know that God's timing is perfect. you'll be in my prayers! God bless
I'm so happy to hear this!
By the way, you're not stupid for taking 35 years to get it. It took me over 4 decades. When a person is severely abused during childhood, it messes with their head so much that this is the result: decades of stumblings and missteps. It would be odd if one went through such things and just went merrily on their way, never doubting or fearing or making mistakes.
GOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!