I hate having multiple personalities
I dont want to go into it. But I HATE HATE HATE having multiple personalities. I hate DID. I hate all the stupid things in my life I have done because of it. I hate all the losses we've had because of it. I hate all the stupid things we've done. The inside kids miss Sharon so much. So do I. I miss my old friends so much. If I could have just kept my act together then maybe things would have turned out better. I wish I could have just done everything right. I have asked them all for forgiveness but Sharon wouldn't even respond. She probably holds it over my head and won't forgive me and that just weights me down. At least one old friend acknowledged me when I asked her to please forgive me. That helped a little. I wish I could forget everything. I hate the war in my head. I'm trying so hard to turn my life around and be a new person. I wish I could completely forget the past. I just want to be a completely new person. With a different brain. I have lost weight and had all my hair cut off and gotten new clothes, am going to a new school and a new classroom, but I still need a new brain.
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:
Life is a journey, and let me tell you a little about myself! I realized that I have DID after reading Sybil, it was like a light went off in my life -"Oh, so that's what's wrong with me!" But I learned, thru counselinf, that nothing was wrong! In fact, it was my mind's fascinating method of dealing with severe, traumatizing abuse. I have been in therapy for the past ten years, and it has opened me up to new ways of seeing and believing. Believing in myself, believing that I'm strong and brave. Out of nine personalites, there are now only me - my integrated self - and my protector, who just recently went thru a flashback to a really, really bad bit of abuse that happened when she was only five. However, we are getting stronger - and you will too! It took a long time, and dealing with the memory is never easy. What helped me thru it? ARt and poetry and writing and singing and dancing. Yeah, it surprised me that I was capable of all that. Multiples have many gifts! Work hard, and you'll love what happens!
You guys do have a great gift. My husband is recently diagnosed DID. I know it is hard living with sometimes but there are times when I say, wow I wish I could do that. I have grown to love each one of my husbands people and would dare anyone to hurt them, especially the children. I even love my husbands protector who has put up a great front and whom I used to argue with a lot. People with DID need support and understanding. I am hoping you get this with your husband. Hang in there. You have a new beginning with the new job and all. I hope you can make new friends.
Just wanted to say I really enjoy reading your posts.
Getting past the past is SO difficult. People might forgive, but they don't usually forget. You can forgive yourself, too, but the memories just don't go away. Every new friend, though, is a fresh opportunity to learn from past mistakes and make things better this time. Doesn't really ease the pain of the old memories, but you never know what great things are coming in the future.