Forgiveness
I keep praying and praying that God will take this bitterness out of my heart. That God will make my heart not be so hard. It is just towards this stuff that still has to do with Sharon. And I pray and pray. Trying over and over to forgive and forget. I realize now that back in February when we said we forgave her, we only told her that to make HER feel better. We still have not forgiven her. And its so stupid. Because she couldn't care less I'm sure. Sharon doesn't give a damn what I'm still going through-- she's done with us and ignoring us.
A few kind words of closure would have helped so much but she would not give us that.
And though we pray and pray, we have gotten so hard hearted about it. We used to be able to help with so many things. Like people talking about therapy, and therapists. Now we can't even watch or read anything to do with therapy or therapists. It hurts too much. I can't stand it. It brings back too many awful memories of the past 7.5 months. It just hurts too much. People still ask our advice about therapy and therapists and DID and stuff like they used to and I have to just ignore it. I can't deal with it. Its like this huge open wound. Anything to do with DID, therapy, the past, ANYTHING-- forget it. It has to stay buried. Its too much. And we pray some more. I have to ask God over and over again for forgiveness now because I keep thinking, I hate therapists. I don't trust anybody. I was such a fool. What idiots we were to trust someone. I hate Mae. I hate myself. What a freaking idiot I was for bragging to other people about what a great therapist Sharon was in the 1st place. I set myself up for disappointment and it was all my fault.
And I keep asking God, please, heal it. Please help me out here. You're the healer of the brokenhearted. Help me with this.
I have asked so much for forgiveness for the things I did wrong. I can't get Sharon to forgive me because she won't respond. That hangs over my head. My husband says it doesn't matter what other people think. If they won't forgive me for something, then that's their tough problem. It matters though, inside, to me. Especially to Mae, who loved Sharon so much, who wanted Sharon to like her, and the rejection from her favorite person is still too hard to bear.
This is rambling and I don't know how to end it. I just guess I needed to get that out of my head.
Sharon could have done so much with just a few kind words instead of rejection.
We still keep having these nightmares about what she said and did.
I want to move on so badly. I want to let it go so badly.The things we need and want will never come from her. I know that.
Some people tell me they wish I'd get into therapy again. After I tried those 5 others this year. Forget it. I'm not opening myself up to that kind of rejection again and I'm through with trusting people. And with telling my story. I don't want to tell it. I want to forget it all.
I want to disappear. I want to just be gone.
jo
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:
Pilgrim,
I haven't been in the same exact situation as you, but I do know the pain of being mistreated, rejected, and of the other person apparently not knowing or caring how deeply they've wounded me.
As for forgiveness: if you're waiting for God to give you some kind of lovely "forgiving" feeling, it's probably not going to happen. Forgiving someone is a choice we make, not so much an emotion--although the emotion usually follows the choice.
Forgiveness is simply letting someone off the hook for being imperfect. It's not saying they didn't hurt you. It's not something which is dependent on the one who hurt you acknowledging that hurt. Sharon may never do so, but you can still forgive and go on with your life. You can let go of your need to hang on to something that is a closed chapter. By trying to hold on to it you continue to give her power over you.
Forgiveness isn't easy and always costs us something. But the alternative is bitterness and the kind of emotional pain which never goes away.
I like the advice here from Katie (?)who suggested finding a Christian therapist.I had one myself once, and only quit going to her because of my finances. She was wonderful, soft-spoken, genuinely caring.
I hope you will find a way to get beyond the brokenness of losing Sharon. Each day you survive without her you are one day stronger.
Beauty
I'm sorry you're feeling this hopelessness. Getting over the pain of rejection and "what could've been" is sometimes just too difficult. I'm in a similar spot -- it's been over two years since I lost something precious to me and about five years since I lost someone else. The hard part is knowing that they're still there, going on with life without me. Resentment, bitterness, unforgiveness, anger, jealousy, depression all keep trying to pull me into a sort of coma -- but God sees it all. Waiting is terribly difficult, but He sees the whole picture while we only see this little part.