June 4, 2008

I guess I am having a harder time and wanting to isolate more. This week would have been the "anniversary" of starting therapy with Sharon. Having a hard time with it.Anniversaries of all sorts have always been a big deal to us. Missing her more. Words can't express how much we miss talking to her, miss her hugs, her insight, the comfort of her office and her safety, joking around with her, talking to her about our life. Mae keeps wanting to call her and write her. On occassion when we do e-mail her she does not respond. So its like we're being ignored. Rejection is just hard. I don't blame Sharon. I get it. We screwed up, and she got sick of us. I get it. So we have to "pay" for it, or she's punishing us by ignoring us, or whatever. But I wish so much we could just talk to her... just a little. It hurts so much to just be what feels like "banished" for her life. We loved her so much, and she supposedly cared so much, but now she will have nothing to do with us, and it just hurts so much that words can't express it.
It gives me stomach aches and Mae cries at night often still. I try so hard to not think about it. Whenever I start thinking about Sharon and what happened, I try to start thinking about God and things God has done for me. I try to pray instead, and things like that. I hope that sometime soon I will overcome my stupid thoughts.

Posted by pilgrim at 1:11 PM

June 7, 2008

I don't know how many people saw it, but the remake of the original "Sybil" movie was on CBS tonight.

I watched it and thought it was okay. Could have been done better but it CERTAINLY could have been a lot worse! I thought the girl was trying to be too much like Sally Field. But she did well. That's a hard role to play and Sally Field's shoes are big ones to fill with that role, you know? I certainly wouldn't want to do it! I'm sure it must have been emotionally exhausting. On a scale of 1 to 10 I'd give it a 5. The original Sybil is one of my favorite movies and nothing could ever do it justice.

It was hard for us to watch. Reminded me and Mae so much of the old Sybil... and brought up many triggers of memories from the past, and brought of many memories of therapy sessions with our old therapist (for instance, seeing "Ruthie" and "Peggy" talking with the therapist, coloring on the floor like we used to with Sharon, crying, etc) .... I was very switchy and spaced out. Mae wanted Sharon so bad and so did I, and we were just missing her so much that it was hard to watch the movie. Ended up crying pretty hard at some points. There's just this ache that doesn't go away. I don't want to go into it anymore... I want to just get over it, and that won't happen if I keep talking about it. I just wish I could forget.

Posted by pilgrim at 9:03 PM | Comments (9)

June 10, 2008

Its been six months since Sharon left. Six months tonight. I have been trying really hard today to focus only on positive things...on God. I have had to turn my heart and mind off. Today I went through a box of my old journals and papers from therapy and threw most of them away. It just hurt to look at them. I saved one thing... a picture that Sharon and I drew together years ago that has peoples names on the back including hers saying how people love me and want the best for me. I wonder if its still true. I wonder if she still cares, or ever thinks of me. She used to care so much. I miss her so much. My heart just hurts. I haven't eaten much today. Every time my stomach growls and I go to eat... I have a flashback of that last night, of what Sharon said. And I just don't feel like eating.
God has done good things for me. Every morning before I get out of bed, I start talking to God and thank him for all the good things he has already done for me, for watching out for me. I will always give God praise, no matter how alone and hurt I am. I know he knows what is best. Today it was just kind of hard.
I don't care to have any comments on this post. For those of you who want to be judgmental about what I'm going through, you can keep your comments to yourself. You don't know what I'm going through, and you're not in my shoes. I don't care what negative commenters think anyway, because people don't have any right to judge me or my life.
I just miss her.

Posted by pilgrim at 5:42 PM