Might stop going.
i think i might just stop going to therapy after all. it isn't helping, since sharon stopped seeing me. i don't have any desire to stop being anorexic any more. i don't have any desire to follow a meal plan. i eat enough to keep me alive. i don't care that i'm underweight-- I WANT to be underweight. The counselor I have now is okay, sort of, I'm mean she's nice enough. She's also an hour away in heavy traffic in the city, and I don't feel safe driving back and forth. Every time I come home, I get upset because I miss Sharon so much. I am not going to share anything deeply personal with a new person. I'm not going to share any more stories about my past from when I was little, all that trauma. We shared them with Sharon. Those were something personal that Mae and the other inside kids were brave enough to share with HER. I know they are not going to talk with anyone else about them. They are now so hurt and scared that they have gone deep into hiding, and they don't trust anyone anymore. Those stories about the past and the things that happened were left dangling and unresolved when Sharon left us. But they're locked away now. We just have to forget about them and move on.
I don't want to purposely go someplace every week that's going to trigger memories of Sharon. I don't want to go discuss "issues" anymore that are going to bring up the past, something I desperately want to forget. I don't know how to work through them.
Maybe I'm just better off on my own for a while. I tried having a "team" for nearly 8 years and all it did was lead to more hurt. I don't know how to get over this. Every time I think about therapy or Sharon or Caroline Ann (My nutritionist who won't see me anymore because I don't have an eating disorders therapist), I just start to cry and I feel abandoned and left behind. They're never going to feel sorry for what they did, and they're not ever going to care.
So I just need to forget. I just need to forget.
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:
Jax might have a really good idea there.
There wasn't anywhere to leave a comment on the May 28th entry about making your decision to stop therapy, so I'm commenting on it under this one. I'll be praying for you, Pilgrim. I hope life starts "looking up" a little more for you. I also hope that you'll pray (as I'm doing for you) that something will work out for you to be able to go back to therapy somewhere and benefit from it. God can, of course, work miracles -- keep your eyes and mind open to see what He's going to do. (I'm in a REALLY painful spot in part of my life right now, too, so I need to take the same advice!)
forgetting will not ultimately solve anything. you know from experience that putting it out of mind just means that it compounds itself over time.
i really do urge you not to stop.
why not use this therapist for a single goal .. dealing with the trauma of losing sharon. you don't have to talk about what you discussed with sharon, only why losing her has been so traumatic. use this therapist in place of the grief counseling that you were trying to attend. use this therapist to help you find peace in this situation so that you can move on and find a counselor that you can trust to deal with the rest.