Its my body
Lately since I have been injured for several weeks I have been stuck on the couch unable to move or exercise. That's got me convince that I'm gaining weight. I know I don't eat much. But I've been convinced I've gained weight. I know I haven't lost any lately because I got on the scale yesterday. That bugs me because I really want to lose weight. I'm sick of being fat and ugly. I want to have more control over my body and its hard when I can't do ANYTHING except lay on the couch with my legs propped up.
Today I saw some people that I haven't seen for several weeks. I happened to be wearing shorts because I have a huge brace on my leg holding it together. I was also wearing a long sleeved shirt which was designed to cover my body. But I got a bunch of comments out of people anyway. Telling me "Oh my gosh you've lost more weight!" and "You are way too skinny!" Then they were trying to tell me to go home and eat hamburgers, hot dogs, and steaks. I know they mean well.... I think. But its my body and I am the one who gets to say what goes into it. I am so uncomfortable in it. I don't want to eat a whole bunch.
I don't have a "treatment team" anymore to tell me what to do anymore. Therefore, I get to make the decisions about what to eat or not eat and how much I exercise. I don't know if they ever cared in the 1st place because it was so easy for them to leave me. Maybe all the years I was happy because they loved me, I was just deluding myself. Maybe I was just stupid. :( I did all these things for them and they left anyway. So now I get to say what happens to my body. And I don't want to be fat.
I can't wait for my injuries to heal so that I can get active again and start getting better. Hopefully I won't have to have surgery. The people who saw me today just felt free to tell me to fatten up and enjoyed naming all the things they would feed me if they could. Would they have the nerve to tell an overweight person all the diets they could go on and all the diet foods they could eat? It doesn't feel any better on this end either.
I wish my body was invisible. But I can't go there anymore. I am trying hard to just forget the past.
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:
I have had long periods of illness too, and being stuck at home alone can get very depressing, call up your friends and family and tell them you need them around you right now. Don't spend too much time alone!
Please don't forget all that you've learned. Please don't fall back again. *worry worry worry*
Oh, believe me, people feel very free to go up to fat people and comment on what they are eating, mentioning diets, promoting this plan or that plan. Once a woman came up to me and yelled that I was a big fat hog taking over the entire sidewalk. People passing by in cars feel free to call out to me about my size.
Even though it's offensive to you that people tell you how thin you are, could they be correct? At the risk of being put into that same "offenders" category, I would like to ask if you're thinking of your body as the "temple of God"? You, of course, can't base your entire life/beliefs/feelings/etc. on what other people say; but if you often hear people comment on your low weight, it might be worth considering.
On 1 hand i know that a size zero is small but what I see in the mirror is fat.
the last couple of posts make me so sad. i hope that your family will intervene and help you back to therapy, especially for your eating disorder.
i'm sorry to say but you are not healthy enough to make these decisions on your own. anyone that makes decisions that may lead to death.
what happened to all the work that you did at the eating centre retreat that you went to?