How much do I matter?
This week I am really struggling with my self-worth. I keep wondering how much do I matter to anyone, including God. In a book by Joyce Meyer she wrote that God thinks we are precious. I haven't ever felt precious or really important to anyone. I've never felt like I've made a big difference in anyone's life. I've been left behind and abandoned by most of the people I love, and people don't seem to think much about not following through on doing things they say they will do and seem to feel free to break their promises to me. People don't have a problem breaking my trust. I feel so low around people. I feel so small, so unimportant. Its like no one really notices me or wants me around. That's one of the thing that Mae still has the hardest time with-- that our old therapist no longer wanted her and got rid of us back in January. Being unwanted was one of the hardest things to deal with growing up. Its a big struggle now too. We still keep crying over the loss of our therapist and what happened.
Maybe its selfish to want to feel precious or important to someone. Maybe its selfish to want people to do what they say. I do what I say I'm going to do. I stick to my word. I'm loyal to a fault. I don't know what's so hard about it.
I guess what brought all this on is that I'm having a lot of bad dreams this week about my old friends and my old therapist. I keep having dreams still that they yell at me, reject me, and gang up on me. I miss them so much. There just aren't words to describe how much I miss the months that I had friends in my life once.... when we had slumber parties, and all went to the same eating disorder support group, and some of us had the same therapist and nutritionist... and we would laugh and joke around together and go to the craft store and shopping. I had it for such a short time-- it seems like just long enough to see how much I loved it. Then it was gone again-people left, people got busy, people moved away, times changed. And then I was alone again. I just miss it so much. And I just wonder, do any of those people ever think about me like I think of them? Do they ever pray for me like I pray for them? Do they ever miss those times? They've probably just moved on and gotten more new friends and gotten busy with their new lives and haven't given me a 2nd thought most likely.
I just miss them so much. I miss Sharon so much.
I wish I could get over this. I keep praying and waiting. Praying and waiting for things to get better.
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:
It's not wrong to want to feel special and precious to someone either. I think the above poster said a lot of really thoughtful things as well. However, it's not wrong to want to be special to someone. Don't forget your DH, I think you're more special to him that you realize. It's often the people that sit quietly in the background who are the ones who are there for us the most. When it really matters, they are there. And it's okay to mourn the past and mourn Sharon too. It's still only been a short time. Everyone goes through seasons in their life though. Seasons where we have a lot of friends and do a lot of things. Seasons where life is quiet or even painful. There is a flux and flow to everything I think. I'm at a point in my life where I have few, if any, friends. My kids are my focus. But sometimes, I really miss my friends, and I wonder if there is still life outside of this house and these children. And if there is, how will I ever manage to fit back in again. Just remember not to give up. There is always someone out there praying for you. And someday we will know all of the answers. Somehow.
Love.
Your Sis
I agree your sister. It's obvious Sharon hurt all of you deeply because she was someone you told your secrets to. In many ways, for you, it was the rejection of a mother because she was that caring parent you never had.
Writing always helps me. Maybe you could write an email to her (even if you don't send it)...maybe post it here or keep it private or send it to your sister if you want to and just tell her everything you feel. Send it via email or certified letter to her if you want to and don't expect a reply, but maybe it will help you to get those feelings out in a formal letter and start receiving some closure.
I did write to Sharon a few weeks ago. She sent a very short response saying that she did always want the best for me. I guess that's about all I can expect from her.
I'm having a really hard time write now so that's all I can respond to this.
often times, a lot of our self-worth is tied up in what we perceive other people think of us.
it's important that we understand this because our perception is a projection of
our own beliefs and not what other people are actually thinking.
it concerns me that you are determining how much you matter based on people and events that you can't control.
if i know anything i know that there isn't anyone in this world that can make you feel anything. you feel it because you have taken that into yourself.
you have to believe in your own self-worth. once you are able to do that, what you perceive others believe will change. and whether you matter to others will become irrelevant because you will know that you have a place in this world despite what you believe others think.
So strange I feel the exact same way.
My father and so-called "best friend" (even if we just talk via e-mail nowadays) both forgot my 30th birthday. The ones that did not forget seem to have called me just because they "had" to.
Got no gifts, nothing...
Being afraid of getting older, this was an important day to me. Everyone seemed to have something better to do.
Be strong!
I think about you!
I am also loyal to a fault--my T called me the "most conscientious person" that she'd ever met. You're not alone. It's because you were undervalued and hurt that you understand the pain of people breaking promises and not following-through. It's epidemic, there are fewer and fewer people who have integrity these days
I, too, feel the exact same way as you do. And I admire you for putting your feelings out there. I've always thought that i was very expressive about my feelings and my lack of self-confidence. But, looking back at my present self, I try so hard to be the comedic relief, or to be something I'm not when i'm in public, that i honestly don't think anyone knows who I truly am. Even my boyfriend of 3 years is always half-aware of me and more self-absorbed in his appearance and his "networking" (as they say in corporate real-estate)that I sometimes wonder if I could ever be okay with myself. Alone. I'm 23 years old, and sometimes (okay! often!) I feel as though I matter to no one.
I'm going to ramble for a second...
So many things are for but a season in our lives. We ALL go through periods where we don't get invivted to the party or the phone doesn't ring or we're the one with no one to sit with at a function. We've all felt the things you describe at some point in our lives. There are broken promises, hurt feelings, malicious gossip. Sometimes those seasons are long and sometimes short, but they don't last forever and are not an indication of your DID... A lot of these feelings you're having are perfectly normal and don't indicate sickness or something wrong with you.
I think it would be good for you to try to push yourself, if you can,even if you don't FEEL like it, to get involved with something that interests you (or one of you) most...whether it's taking a scrapbooking class at Michael's to meet friends or a church ministry of some kind where people are involved, active and friendships develop, or going back to school to get a higher degree or dancing or a choir or SOMETHING you like and know you can excel at that will cultivate friends. There are so many people out there who feel exactly how you do -- be that friend to THEM.
And you're exactly right, you can't tell everyone about your DID because if you did, you'd have to deal with ignorance or send them to a class to understand. Even a lot of professionals don't understand DID. But that doesn't mean you can't make close friends. I recently got involved by volunteering with a local shelter we have for abused and neglected children. Volunteering is a wonderful way to meet people. You said you work with special needs kids, maybe you could be involved or on a board of a local organization of some kind (most large cities have them if you're near one) for kids with special needs. Whatever interests you most.
The hardest thing for you in the coming months is dealing with the loss of your therapist. And that is not easy, but she taught you a lot and it was not all for naught. You learned from her, you grew with her, you changed...you had a little who began talking with her! And she was a wonderful therapist when you needed her, but it seems like she didn't feel she was helping you and she felt it was in your best interest for you to try something new and different. I read back from January in your journal and you mentioned that she said she was frustrated and had tried everything she knew to try. She wanted you to be helped. And change just flat out sucks, I know. Especially when that change means losing someone you grew to love. I don't know why she cut you off so abruptly. That did seem unfair, but it happened and there is no changing it. Now moving on is top priority. How to move on? I'm sure that's the million dollar question, but your new therapist and you working hard at it along with praying, occupying your time and pure ticking of time will ease the pain.