Deep Grief Revisits
I guess its the realization that I'm having to let go and say goodbye to more of my life, or that more big changes are coming up soon for me, or being at group tonight where Sharon used to be the counselor for it, or just the combination of everything, but grief has been hitting me hard again the past couple days. A simple discussion about a play therapy class my husband and i had set me off tonight. Sharon used to do play therapy with Mae. It used to help so much. Sharon was so good with the kids. I remember how Sharon even bought Mae some Little People off of ebay... Mae used to look forward to playing on the floor. She used to love sitting on the floor coloring with Sharon too. Sharon was helping so much. Mae was making so much progress. When talking about play therapy my husband was talking about this lady's techniques, and the PROPER and RIGHT way to end therapy, doing a transition, and providing closure, to help the client prepare for the end. NOT the out-of-nowhere "I'm done" and never-see-you-again nightmare that caused worse PTSD that Sharon did to us. Mae has been having a really hard time the last few nights, crying again about wanting Sharon and wanting to go home. I still don't know what to do with her. I had thought I had forgiven Sharon...but I find that I still have such a bitter heart. I still am angry at her for what happened. I try to be so nice and forgiving, so it surprised me today to realize that I still need to forgive her more. Its all so complicated. We loved her so much. But what she did was so completely wrong. And I don't think she even cares, or even thinks of us any more, and I don't think she even realizes how wrong it was, what she did. Which makes all this even harder. I still have nightmares about that night, and about how she ended things. I don't know how to get over it. I want to get over it so bad. I want to just forget it. I want to forget ALL of it. It would help so much if I could just talk to her, get some of this settled. It would help if I didn't miss her so much, if I didn't love her still. I just hate all this. I want to just move on and forget it. I want to forget it all. My heart hurts so bad.
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:
I'm sorry you're hurting! Still praying for you.
Don't give up. SOme days, weeks, months will be better than others. Part of it will always hurt...but a day will come when you will realize you haven't thought of Sharon at all. And then you'll be sad about that. :-) It's so much a process of days, weeks, and surviving long and sad nights, all put together, and that equals recovery. You can make it. Don't give up.
Oh, Pilgrim. It's hard to read these posts and know how badly you all hurt. I just want to say a few things.
Forgiving is not once. No one can really forgive just once. You have to forgive over and over. When you get really upset, just forgive her again.
You don't have a bitter heart. It's hard for you to trust, because that trust has been so incredibly violated so many times. You trusted her, and she violated that trust. She may have had her reasons, I don't know, and I'm not saying she's bad or evil. Just that she violated your trust, and that's a *huge* issue for you.
I know that you want to move past it. I believe that the way you're living right now is torture for you. All I can say about that is that maybe if you picked a favorite thing for all the people inside, and when they thought about Sharon and it hurts, to think about their favorite thing instead, until they feel a little bit better.
I wish you all the peace you need so badly.