Not much to say anymore

I don't talk too much anymore.. I don't each much anymore. I've been getting sick a lot and that scares me because its like I don't have any internal reserves to deal with getting sick. The inside kids continue to hide away. I'm trying to pretend I'm really in my 30's and that I'm the grown up and just trying to do with other grown ups do. Pay the bills and go to work. My teaching job is stresseful beyond what I ever thought possible. My mind is still obsessed over all the things I did to screw up my relationship with Sharon and how I flunked out of therapy and all the stupid things I've done and how everything was my fault. I still cry but I don't have much energy to anymore. It comes out more in headaches and stomach aches.
I took an art class. I signed up for another one. I try to find things to be thankful for each day. I pray all throughout the day. I keep waiting for something good to happen instead of bad. I keep praying for a friend. I keep praying for someone who can help me even though I'm afraid no one can. Tomorrow I have an appointment with new therapist #4. I don't want to go and I'm afraid to introduce myself to yet another person one more time. Searching for a therapist is difficult. I don't want to be doing it anymore. I just want Sharon back. I miss her so much, I miss her office so much, I miss talking to her so much. There are so many things I wish I could tell her.
I hope she doesn't hate me. I wish I knew. Everything just ended so bad and I can't stop thinking about it and hating myself for it.

Posted by pilgrim | Filed under: