Waiting Game...
Right now we're in a state of waiting. It's hard. I don't want to go into any details, quite frankly. I've had a long day and a long night. There is a lot about our life we don't share on this website, or anywhere on the internet. Yet people make a LOT of judgments about us online, despite knowing only about 5% of our life, if that. In real life, some times when I look for support, I get just the opposite. Today is one of those days where that gets to me. So I don't feel like sharing any details about what is going on. Maybe it's just the headache I've had all day long.
Suffice it to say, we're in a state of just learning to "be." While people make decisions, while while inside and outside people talk and wait and play telephone tag and discuss and share ideas and think things out and then most of the time with outside people, we're out of the loop. So we have to just let things be. That is hard. We're learning to do it better. We used to do any number of very unhealthy, unhelpful things to ease the intense tension of this process- from cutting to talking of suicide. Now... we just... wait. We read a book. We offer support to friends. We sit. We paint. We nap. We....sit some more. We think. We....wait. But still, it's tiring. To look and see no answers. To check e-mail and phone messages and get...more nothing. To hope to hear an answer about problems day after day and yet one does not come. So... we keep on waiting.
Obviously that's something we need to learn.
A couple of the kids had a very hard night tonight. They have some things they really need to tell our old therapist Sharon. And they don't have that opportunity. They need to talk to her in person, and that chance may not ever come. They were switching tonight, giving me a big headache in the process. The time came when I needed to be somewhere else and had to go get in the car and drive, and so they willingly went away, in spite of their pain, and moved over so that I could be in front to drive home. Which I'm grateful for-- it makes things so much easier that they can do that now. But their pain-- it feels inside like my chest is throbbing, almost. Like their hearts ache. And I don't know that anything except for... maybe time... and maybe not even that... will ever make the ache in their hearts stop. And so they,too, wait.
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