March 4, 2008

Right now we're in a state of waiting. It's hard. I don't want to go into any details, quite frankly. I've had a long day and a long night. There is a lot about our life we don't share on this website, or anywhere on the internet. Yet people make a LOT of judgments about us online, despite knowing only about 5% of our life, if that. In real life, some times when I look for support, I get just the opposite. Today is one of those days where that gets to me. So I don't feel like sharing any details about what is going on. Maybe it's just the headache I've had all day long.

Suffice it to say, we're in a state of just learning to "be." While people make decisions, while while inside and outside people talk and wait and play telephone tag and discuss and share ideas and think things out and then most of the time with outside people, we're out of the loop. So we have to just let things be. That is hard. We're learning to do it better. We used to do any number of very unhealthy, unhelpful things to ease the intense tension of this process- from cutting to talking of suicide. Now... we just... wait. We read a book. We offer support to friends. We sit. We paint. We nap. We....sit some more. We think. We....wait. But still, it's tiring. To look and see no answers. To check e-mail and phone messages and get...more nothing. To hope to hear an answer about problems day after day and yet one does not come. So... we keep on waiting.

Obviously that's something we need to learn.

A couple of the kids had a very hard night tonight. They have some things they really need to tell our old therapist Sharon. And they don't have that opportunity. They need to talk to her in person, and that chance may not ever come. They were switching tonight, giving me a big headache in the process. The time came when I needed to be somewhere else and had to go get in the car and drive, and so they willingly went away, in spite of their pain, and moved over so that I could be in front to drive home. Which I'm grateful for-- it makes things so much easier that they can do that now. But their pain-- it feels inside like my chest is throbbing, almost. Like their hearts ache. And I don't know that anything except for... maybe time... and maybe not even that... will ever make the ache in their hearts stop. And so they,too, wait.

Posted by pilgrim at 5:10 PM | Comments (0)

March 5, 2008

The title says it all. The inside kids are having a really hard time still. After our transition session with our old therapist last week, I got to talk, and I read a letter that we all helped write. But they really need to talk to her too in person. She said she would help, and so that if the kids need to talk to her, we could do that through our DID therapist. Well since then, the kids are coming up with all sorts of things that the want to say to her. They have all these strong feelings coming up about the ending of therapy. They have been trying hard to deal with everything for the past 2 months. And its been so much on their shoulders. They were hurt really badly. That is one of the hard things that I think most people don't realize about when you have a relationship with a multiple. When you end it, you don't just break up with the 1 person. You leave a whole bunch of broken relationships behind and might just be leaving a bunch of little broken hearts.
I've been doing and saying everything that Sharon would say to the kids. Doing and saying everything that a parent or nice adult would say to the kids. But tonight the kids need to hear it from Sharon herself I guess. There are things they need to talk over with her and hear straight from her. Its not working with me saying "Well I think that Sharon would say...." or "I'm sure that she meant...." When the person you need to talk to isn't there, all the stand- ins in the world don't make much of a difference.
My heart feels so heavy. I want to fix everything for them. I want them to not hurt so much.

On the positive side even though I had a hard day, I cooked for myself twice today. I've never done that before. Its kind of cool because that's like, what a real grown up would do. I'm still sticking to my meal plan even on days that are hard.

Posted by pilgrim at 6:53 PM | Comments (3)

March 7, 2008

This has been a really,really stressful school year. To keep privacy I can't give details, but things have been very hard all year. Even at the beginning of the year, long before the stress of losing our therapist, we were so stressed out and running around so much at work all the time that we were losing weight and having problems handling things.
Well things have gotten a little better, finally. Missy kept sticking up for us at work, and we got some help that we needed. The stress at work is easing up. Next year will be a lot different because several kids in the class (the ones who are the most stressful) won't be there anymore. Of course, there are always new ones to replace them.
Since about November we've considered changing jobs. Doing something other than teaching. We've got our resumes listed in a few places and are looking at specific jobs. Its tempting and we've got a list of pros and cons going. There are positives and negatives of staying and leaving. Its a really difficult decision-- thankfully one we don't have to make yet.
The past few months we have gotten better at handling stress. We've discovered some really cool bubble bath made from pure essential oils that really help. We've learned some ways to work inside together much better. At Shades of Hope we learned some tricks to handle the flashbacks and each other and how to set internal boundaries. And of course the fact that we're eating better is helping too. There are other things too.
So as with everything else in our life right now, we're waiting things out...praying like crazy and waiting to find out what we're supposed to do.

Posted by pilgrim at 8:12 PM | Comments (1)

March 9, 2008

The past 2 days haven't been very good ones for me. Especially today. I've been coming down with some stomach thing. And then today I got some news I didn't want to hear by someone who completely confuses me, so I don't even understand most of what they were trying to say and I get a lot of mixed messages from them. I'm trying to decide if they are someone I want to continue being around. Anyway, today hasn't been a good day. I'm having to try to be really strong to protect the inside kids. I haven't wanted to be strong but it's my job. So I do it. I came home today from an appointment feeling really sick and like i wanted to hide. But I was strong and I ate anyway. Normally I would go cut to deal with the feelings I was having-- thats what the old me would have done. But instead I called around until I found someone in my support system who was home to answer the phone, and talked for a while. Then I came home and ate a good lunch. And I took a nap. And I talked on the phone to two more people. I'm trying to stay present and deal with what's going on instead of trying to escape.

Posted by pilgrim at 5:25 PM | Comments (2)

March 11, 2008

I can't say much right now. Words escape me.
Today our old therapist wrote us a letter explaining that its still a definite no that she won't be seeing us again. That she won't even do a transition session with the inside kids. They are feeling very betrayed and angry and lost. They loved her. Yet she won't even talk to them so they can have some closure with her. Of course, all her reasons sounded good-if you're a grown up who is a therapist and wanting someone to suffer the consequences of their actions.

Explain that to a bunch of kids who are all under 10.
They are so confused and feeling betrayed and lost and hopeless.
We are numb.Betrayed. Confused. We loved her. She has abandonded us again. Worse than leaving me, she abandoned the kids, leaving them no hope for closure. She has hurt them again. Worse than before.

Yes, I ate lunch anyway. We are not going to have a relapse just because of this. That would prove Sharon right.
It doesn't help any that I have the flu and my defenses are low. I feel so sick. Can't go to work for at least another day, another day at home contemplating our past and our lost therapist, the loss of yet another person we loved.
We lost everyone we love. And its all our fault.
I hate myself so much.
Maybe our old friends were right, and Sharon is right, and they all were right, to leave us.
I guess the worst part is taht she won't even meet with the kids. They were hoping. They're little. At least give them a break, for once.
We're not going to trust anyone anymore.
We cancelled with the DID T. She wasn't right for us to begin with, but we were going to stick it out a little longer in case Sharon would meet with the kids at her office. But since she isnt going to do that, then there's no point in making the kids go somewhere they are not comfortable and making us drive through inner-city traffic during rush hour and waste gas and put the wear and tear on our car. So we told the DID T goodbye.
We're going to just stick with the Art therapist, because we at least like to paint, and we can produce some good art in the mean time.

Dear Sharon,
We loved you so much. We loved you and trusted you, and you abandoned us like everyone else. We're so sorry you decided to do that, because you said you wouldn't, and you did anyway. We're so disappointed in you.
We're so disappointed in this world. Not that the way this world is a surprise.
We always said that animals were better than people.
We're never going to trust people again.
And you're sitting there thinking, "Well, that's your choice."
Yep you're right.
You could have helped us so much. You could have helped the kids so much.

Posted by pilgrim at 1:19 PM | Comments (2)

I was wrong to tell my old therapist that I deserved a 2nd chance with her. I was wrong to tell her, "I'm a good person-- I deserve a 2nd chance." I told her about all the positive changes I was making. I asked her to believe in me, to please not judge me by my past mistakes, to try to have an open mind and believe in my future. That I deserved a 2nd chance.

Boy was I ever STUPID. I must have been completely posessed when I said that. Who was I trying to prove? I know in my heart that I deserve nothing. As I have always deserved nothing. Of COURSE she used my past and my old ways against me when she told me no, she wasn't going to be my therapist again, still. That's what people DO. Thats what grown ups do. My dad is right... what the hell was I thinking when I was trying to convince myself otherwise? I'm stupid and selfish just like I always have been :( Of COURSE my old therapist judged me bases on past experiences with me, of course she didnt' want to give me a 2nd chance, or course I didnt' deserve that. Why did I even try? I'm so DUMB.

I cancelled with the DID therapist. I'm not going to see her anymore. She creeped out the inside kids, and it was too long and scary of a drive in the 1st place. She's lucky that she's not going to have to deal with me. Obviously I'm too much, too much of a pain, too hard to work with, hopeless, and not worth believing in.

I dont know if anyone is ever going to be able to help me.
I don't know if I'm going write in this journal very much anymore. People write and tell me I'm an inspiration. I'm not an inspiration. I'm a failure. I had one of THE BEST therapists in the world helping me... and I failed. I flunked out of therapy. Even the DID T I saw, who was a PHD, said that Sharon was THE BEST therapist she'd ever met. The best therapist couldn't help me. The best therapist doesn't want me anymore. Does that prove to you guys what a loser I am?

We are thinking about disappearing. I definitely am. I don't deserve to be here. We're still going to stick to our meal plan. We're still going to recover from our eating disorder. But we don't need to take up space. We don't deserve to take up peoples' time. We lose everyone we care about. We're nothing. We deserve nothing.
The kids' hearts are broken. I feel like I'm crawling out of my skin. We lose everyone. Everyone leaves us. THAT is exactly what we deserve.

Posted by pilgrim at 7:47 PM | Comments (7)

March 12, 2008

i feel like i can't survive another loss. my heart hurts so much. i have to deal with it alone. maybe my therapist never cared in the 1st place. i dont know what to believe. the times when we worked together are so far away, like they never happened in the 1st place, like maybe i imagined them. The time went by so fast. It hurts to think about. Now I am left with too many questions and no answers. She chickened out and only terminated with a letter to someone else instead of calling me. She didn't even have the guts to speak to me in person.
Its like I don't know who she is anymore.
My heart feels so broken.
I want to sleep forever.
Yes, I'm eating. No, I'm not cutting. I said I would stick to those goals.
The inside kids are inconsolable. They don't want me-- they want Sharon.
I feel so inadequate. So completely lost. I feel so abandoned.
I was working so hard to not be left again. I was working so hard the past few years to change, to stop negative patterns. But it didn't work. What's the point in trying? Is everything I do an exercise in futility?
I hate myself so much. I lose everyone. Everyone's going to leave me.
I want to give up.

Posted by pilgrim at 9:36 AM | Comments (3)

I feel likewe got thrown away. Like my old therapist threw us away. It would have been better if she would have just died. Then there would be a reason. But when she just gave up on me and didn't want to work with me anymore, its like, she's saying, "I DONT WANT YOU ANYMORE." Just like everyone else did who left me. She just doesnt want us.The kids are having such a hard time. She said that she would have a transition session with them so they could say goodbye to her.But then she changed her mind. And she won't call them or talk to them or even write to them. Its making things so much harder on us. It isn't just a goodbye. Its making them suffer. They're kids. Its making an ending to therapy end up into another case of PTSD. Making things worse. Its unethical and its wrong and I don't think she even cares.
And we loved her so much. The kids loved her so much. But she hurt them so much anyway.
We can't trust people. We're never going to trust anybody again. Not ever. Especially if the people who claimed to love us can hurt us this badly.

Posted by pilgrim at 6:23 PM | Comments (7)

March 15, 2008

It was so hard today. Husband and I went to the butterfly exhibit like we do just about every year. Each year we have gone, we have bought something in the gift shop for our old T because she likes butterflies, and she's been to that exhibit herself. This year of course we couldn't buy her anything (we did get ourselves a little bracelet, not with butterflies on it, because we get ourselves a little something every year, so that's no big deal to get ourselves something). It was so hard to be there this year.
Usually we let the inside kids out to play and laugh at the butterflies. They didn't want to this year. They are too sad. The entire time there we kept thinking about Sharon. She is a good photographer and takes pictures of the butterflies. We can't show her any of our pictures this year. Last year we took a great picture and she really liked it, said how our photography skills we really improving.
This year is so different. We're so sad. Everything is so different now that we can't go tell Sharon about it. We can't tell her anything anymore... and the kids and I used to be so happy to get to share things with her.
There are so many things to tell her. So many things left dangling out there that just feel like open wounds. So many words left unsaid.
She could have helped so much if she could have just had 1 kind word the other day. Instead of sending another rejection letter to the other therapist with a "share this with Pilgrim" on it. She didn't even tell us herself. It would have made such a difference in how this grief is going. It would have helped so much.

Posted by pilgrim at 8:31 PM | Comments (0)

March 18, 2008

I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel so defective. I can't seem to move on at all after Sharon left us. It still feels as raw as it did on January 10th. In fact it seems to feel worse. There are still so many aching spots. The inside kids never got to say goodbye to her. They never got to talk to her at all. It keeps making things get worse inside and not better. They had kept hoping... and then Sharon had said she would meet with them. But then last week she changed her mind. That's her right to. But the inside kids are having such a hard time with it and its affecting all of us. I can't seem to make anything better for them. Nothing I do or say is right. I feel like such a failure.
Our art therapist wanted the kids to make a collage of all the things they had wanted to say to Sharon. I thought I was sufficiently numbed out tonight (on klonipin) to handle it. I was so wrong. Sharon used to have us make collages. We had a huge box full of magazing and newspaper clippings and artwork. Tonight we got it out to do our homework, and found some of our old collages in it, and 8 years' worth of clippings and pictures. It hurt so bad to see all of it. We threw it all out. It brought back so many memories. Too much to deal with. We just cried and cried.
It was all our fault. If I'd just been a better client... or recovered faster...or become integrated... or something, anything, everything... then maybe she would have kept me on. Maybe things wouldn't have ended so badly. It's all my fault this nightmare happened. I will never forgive myself. The inside kids will never forgive me either. I don't know how I'm ever going to live this down. I don't know how I'm ever going to get over this.
And its all too late to try again. She's gone. And I'm sure that Sharon is glad she doesn't have to deal with us anymore. But we think about it all the time. Everything reminds us. Everything-- even ourselves-- is a constant reminder of how we lost another relationship, how we screwed up ANOTHER time, how we failed. We have so many regrets.
I don't know how to get over this. I don't know how I ever even can.

Posted by pilgrim at 9:45 PM | Comments (11)

March 21, 2008

I'm trying so hard to move on and let go. But I feel so defective. My thoughts obsess over what happened with Sharon and the lousy way things ended. The guilt and shame over the way things ended, the letters she wrote, how she changed her mind about giving the inside kids time to say goodbye, everything--all my fault--- the guilt feels like its eating me alive. I get stomach aches a great deal of the time now. I get headaches. These thoughts ruminate through my mind. I keep trying to re-focus on other things, but after a moment it goes back to Sharon, to regrets, to all my mistakes.
I'm not eating very much these days. I feel like I don't deserve it. Sharon gave up on me. She didn't think I deserved a 2nd chance. Sharon knew me more than anyone else did. If she didn't think I did-- then why should I? If she gave up on me then what chance to I have?
It would make such a difference if I could just hear from her. If I could just talk to her. And I know I never will and it breaks my heart.
I keep crying and random times, just out of the blue. Doing dishes. Doing laundry. Watching TV.
Reading the Bible.
I have to throw out my favorite blue butterfly socks, I think. I used to wear them to therapy all the time. It makes me sad every time i see them.
I'm trying to find another therapist. But I don't know how anyone will ever be as good. There won't be anyone like Sharon was. She was the best.
She meant so much to us. Mae's heart is so broken that she just doesn't even speak anymore.

Posted by pilgrim at 9:15 PM | Comments (4)

March 24, 2008

I am seriously defective. I am crying more and harder. I'm getting really bad stomach aches and my stomach is in knots all the time. Everyone keeps telling me to stop thinking about Sharon and what happened and just move on. It isn't that easy. I try to keep busy, I try to focus on other things. Then my thoughts go back to therapy and what happened. The guilt and shame and anxiety feel like they're eating me alive. Everything was my fault. I messed up. I lost another person I loved because of the way I am. My husband wants me to get a new therapist, but it isn't that easy. I trust no one anymore. And I mean no one. And I'm especially not going to trust a therapist. I'm suspicious of everyone and everything nowadays. My relationship with God is even wonky. I feel like I'm just flailing around like crazy and out of control. I'm trying so hard to get control of my mind. I miss Sharon so much. The kids miss her so much. They're all hiding deep inside now. I don't blame them. All I want to do anymore is lay on the couch under a blanket and sleep the rest of my life away. Like I used to. I feel like I've gone backwards about 6 years. I hate myself so much for being this way. I'm sorry I don't have happier posts lately. I'm having a hard time finding any positives because this depression is so bad.

Posted by pilgrim at 3:21 PM | Comments (15)