Shades of Hope, losing weight, losing hope, lonely
Well we're certainly not handling things at all since our T left us.We miss her so much, and think about her so much, but every thought, ever memory, is painful. Its hardest of Mae; Mae adored Sharon, and to now even try to remember good things about therapy or things she learned, or the good things she and Sharon did together, just hurts too much to take. We constantly have stomachaches, eating makes us nauseated. We've lost even more weight, weight we really didn't need to lose, even I can see it at this point. At random times we start crying, Mae cries herself to sleep almost every night. There's so much going on inside. I feel like I'm sinking to the bottom of the ocean. I feel like we're all drowning with no one who can help. Everyone gave up.
Sharon hurt us more than she will ever realize. PLEASE just leave comments about Sharon out of your comments, okay? Don't flame her. SHE thought she was doing something helpful. Or something.
Before things get any worse, we are going for a weeklong program at Shades of Hope which is a treatment center that has an eating disorder workshop that is really intense. They make you work really hard there for 6 days on trying to get to the bottom of what's behind your eating disorder. I called a few days ago to make the arrangements.
We wish we'd known about this before. When we were still seeing Sharon. We would have gone before... and maybe wouldn't have lost her :(
Our stupid insurance won't cover inpatient settings,but this place takes credit cards and its only for 6 days, so thank goodness for credit cards. So we're planning on going and working like crazy, and hoping on getting on track with recovery a little bit. Before we die. In the past 3 weeks we've lost something like 9 pounds. It puts us somewhere like 25 pounds underweight now, and we can't find clothes that fit anywhere, and everything feels hopeless. I don't want our body to feel any worse.
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:
Hi Pilgrim
I'm not quite sure how to write this without possibly *triggering* bad memorie in you. Can I ask you to check you feel safe before reading on?
It's just that I hadn't noticed you naming Sharon as your T until she left you. This reminded me of some programming that I received as a child victim of ritual (or 'cult' abuse) i.e. that it was dangerous to name people who care. It was, of course, a false form of protection that came from the perpetrators' negative indoctrination somehow.
It is very important for you to feel safe at this time, when you are without one major care-giver (Sharon) and in some senses under attack from others.
I would say: only disclose what you feel safe to do so, bearing in mind that this in itself can be difficult enough but that it is the best protection for yourself.
Good luck with the recovery programme.
Anna and inner children.
we thort if we sez her name, thay will hurt her too so we kep her name big secret.
big anna sez its okay to say therapis name an thay wont hurt her, only thret, yes sumtimes even therapis still sked of dem cos dey mad, bad peeple
but we safe to say her name and say she cares tis importanter to say dis, she will protect herseff
thank you for that note Anna.
i never thought that by my using a personal name that it could cause harm in such a way. certainly it does make sense.
good luck pilgrim. i'll be sending positive and healing thoughts your way. .
Hi Pilgrim,
Have you ever had therapy with EMDR? My husband is doing that now and it is great. Let me know. Take care and I hope all goes well at shades of hope.
Yes we did EMDR twice. It made things really bad. I hear it generally isn't recommended for people with DID I guess. In my experience, its a definite NO.
Jo,
I googled 'Shades of Hope' and like their slogan:
"When you want your life back, claim it"
I am so proud of you and the others to have made this decision; it is the biggest one and you will ALL reap the benefits of it.
Anna
I'm so glad to see you're taking this big step to take care of yourselves. I know you feel horrible, but you're doing well. Good for you!
EMDR is bad for DID.
Hey Pilgram: Glad you went to do something for ALL of you. Had a T drop me like that once too when intergrating......found out pretty quick this T had done all for me she could do--perhaps now you can move on to full intergration with next T. WORKED for me!!! I have done LOTS of work and am in a beter place than ever!! Sure glad you did NOT factor in the posting from Anoyonmous. Man this person is sure WHACKED!!!! I loved Shades and found the total experience nothing but Fansastic. Was HUGE factor in finally getting rid of my ED, it really is possible to live my life now. MY experience is that everthing posted by ANONYMOUS is blatantly false. Shades is so NOT in the business for the $$$$$---and I found they really cared for me and about me. Pilgram...I hope you keep up the fight!!! Anonymous----sure sounds like you are one sick puppy!!!!!
Oh I don't pay any attention to negative comments, so its okay. Anons can say whatever they want.
I loved Shades and thought it was amazing. The therapists there are SOOOO not in it for the money, and they are the most loving and caring people I've ever met, even when they are confronting you and challenging you. They have all been there. They want their clients to recover. I saw them work like crazy this week to help people, even behind the scenes. Its an amazing place.
I always loved inpatient settings at DID hospitals. I'd go back there now if I could, but yep..insurance SUCKS big time!! I've never been to an ED clinic, but we don't have outpatient stuff like that here in Atlanta.:o(
I wish we did. I don't think I really have an ED anymore, but during bad times purging is definitely a problem like it used to be. Renfrew was gonna take us one time a loooong time ago, but were still living with parents and they'd have FREAKED. Hope it helps. I can relate to the feelings. When things went bad w/Stephanie we shut down. Don't OD. Tried that twice and made things sooooo much worse.