Meal plan, being scared, protecting the inside kids.
I went to my nutritionist tonight and started a meal plan. FINALLY. After nearly 8 years of fighting her-- its about time. She said its music to her ears. I'm glad I'm finally in a place where I am able to stop fighting her and just do what I need to do.
The people at Shades of Hope really do work miracles. I wouldn't have been able to make this commitment to myself before. I know I can do it this time. I also know its going to be REALLY hard. I'm kind of scared about it. Its going to be hard, eating everything I'm supposed to. I'm not Carolineine. this is just jo. But this time-- I WANT to do it. I don't want to die. I want to live, no matter how bad life is, I don't want to give up anymore.
Mae is having a hard time tonight. We had a transition session with our old therapist tonight. I have purposely not written much about it anywhere because its been so hard to think about it. I don't really want to go into it right now either. But it went okay, and we said some things we needed to say. The kids really need to talk to her too and they didn't have the chance to yet, but hopefully they will.
Mae was confused about seeing her though. She gave us some big hugs, which was really nice.She acted like her old self. Mae wants to talk to her about some things. Mae just misses her so much.
I learned at Shades of Hope some ways to protect myself/the inside kids.One of the ways is imagining that we have a lead vest (like at the dentist's) over top of us, and it has a little door on the chest. The vest blocks EVERYTHING OUT. But we control the door, and we can open it and close it however we need to, to let things in and out that we want. So now Mae wears this little lead vest, inside her mind, and that helps protect herself. All the little kids do. We all do, actually, And then, I can wrap her in a bigger one if needed, and I also stand just a little bit in front of her all the time to protect her with my arm around her shoulder inside. I don't ever leave her side even when she is out talking. I think that helps her.
There's so much on my mind tonight. I'm trying real hard to stay calm and stay in the moment. Trying not to worry about tomorrow, and just enjoy that I'm sitting here watching Oprah and enjoying my warm pajamas and go read for a bit.
jo
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:
You're an inspiration to me and, I believe, to many others as well. Keep loving and protecting eachother. You're done such a progress and are such a courageous girl, Jo.