All the crayons are gone
this is so hard
mae and sharon used to color all the time. sharon still has some of Mae's coloring books. it helped mae so much to sit and color with sharon.
One time, a while ago, Mae accidently broke one of Sharon's crayons.She thought for sure that Sharon would yell at her (like our dad would have) for breaking something. But Sharon didn't-- she encouraged her to break another one. Then she and Sharon sat there breaking crayons on purpose. Mae thought Sharon was crazy. But it was so therapeutic for her. They colored together a lot. It was so helpful and calming.
Since Sharon left us, Mae can't color anymore. She can't even look at her crayons. We have a giant plastic box full of them because we've collected them for years. All kinds of limited edition ones, generic ones, and just about every kind that Crayola has ever come out with.
But they are useless now. Mae can't stand to look at them, because they remind her of Sharon, and Sharon leaving us, and Mae feels terrible and starts to cry. She cries about Sharon leaving her, not wanting her, being like mom and leaving when she said she wouldn't. Mae feels so guilty and bad and terrible, like all of us do.
So tonight Mae broke every single crayon in the great big box. :(
While she broke them she was telling herself things like "Bye Sharon." "Things never gonna be the same." "Her don't ever want to see you again." "You said you didn't gonna go away and you did anyway." "No more drawing pictures." I'm not sure what else she said. I think that she was maybe trying to make up some sort of goodbye ritual... I"m not sure. I don't know if she was trying to punish herself or help herself. Hard to tell because she cried so hard and for so long. I have never seen a kid that can cry so hard.
I hate it when she gets like that.
She saved one crayon. A purple one. It was her favorite color, and our therapist's favorite color too I believe. I'm not sure what she plans to do with it, but right now it's sitting next to the VCD in our art room.
The crayons, all the ones we've collected in the past 20 years, are in tiny pieces and in the trash. As well as a lot of colored pencils. Mae realized how easy things are to break when your heart hurts so bad.
I wish she could have just stayed an innocent 5 year old.
And no, we have no plans to buy new crayons. I have tried, when we're in the store the past few weeks, to get us new crayons, since the old ones make her so sad. She doesn't want any. She doesn't want paints, chalks, or anything else either. I do my own artwork with watercolors and oil paints and everything, but Mae doesn't want to do any artwork anymore.
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:
Please keep a small spark of hope alive. I feel so sad for Mae. I don't know of anything that could make this better for her.
Please keep a small spark of hope alive. I feel so sad for Mae. I don't know of anything that could make this better for her.
My current T colors with Rachel.
Hi Jo/ Pilgrim
I think purple is a nice colour to keep and what a great ritual, cracking the crayons. It is creative in itself and one broken crayon makes two little crayons, after all...
Have you asked Mae why she likes purple? That could be a nice little conversation whilst you're all feeling so raw and lonely.
Good luck at Shades of Hope: you did decide to go after your friend telling you it was a 'bootcamp', did you?
Anna x
Yes we're still going to Shades of hope; leaving in the morning.
Mae's favorite color is purple because purple means sadness to her. And she has always been so sad. Then it happened that our old T's favorite color was purple too, so then Mae REALLY liked purple even more.
Do you have to fly to Shades of Hope? I had to fly to DC to go to a DID hosp there from Atlanta. It wasn't bad.
It's bold kids that like best of all the colour purple. I think Mae is bold for not hiding her tears and her sadness xx
i see hope in one purple crayon allowed to survive. hope that one day mae thinks she might want to colour again. so save it, just in case.
hope. hold on to it.