4 weeks since T left me...
...and I'm still decompensating. Thursdays are the worst because that was "therapy night" from 5-7 pm. And I'm not there anymore. This fact tears my heart out. The inside kids cry so hard. The ache goes down so deep inside it just never ends. And since its been four weeks now its like an "anniversary". I'm having such awful flashbacks of that night. I don't even want to write about it. But things are really bad.
I have been trying to do a lot of things to distract myself and the inside kids. Exercising, going to the store, reading a creative art book by SARK, getting what I need for Shades of Hope. But nothing's working. I'm sitting here trying hard to hold back a river of tears and not succeeding very well.
There's so much we need to talk to her about. So much we miss about therapy and about her. She hurt us so badly. She did such a lousy job of ending therapy. But everything reminds us of it. Everything reminds us of her. We can't even listen to the same music anymore. The kids won't color anymore because it reminds them of therapy. In the past month they've put their toys away. Everything inside and outside has changed. My weight has dropped by a lot. Even I can tell I look terrible.
None of this would have happened if I wouldn't have screwed up so bad. Everything's our fault.
New T is supposed to talk to Sharon to get records and stuff. We hope they have a fabulous time talking about what a damn screwup we are. I hate myself so much.
We miss her so much. We just wish this nightmare would end. We want to wake up.
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:
Hi,
I've been following your post but I've never commented before. You have been in my thoughts and prayers, though. I'm so happy you're slogging through this huge upset/change in your life. You sound stronger than perhaps you give yourself credit for. You remain in my prayers as does your current (or next) therapist. I know from personal experience how important the right therapist is, so I will continue to pray that God places a very good therapist in your life, one who not only is very capable but whom you will connect with as well. abby
HI
I agree with Abby - you sound stronger than perhaps you give yourself credit for.
You say nothing's working but YOU ARE SURVIVING.
Be kind to your inner kids
A
could you try telling Mae that it's still your special time on thursdays 5 - 7? you could do something she really likes, art or dancing or baking or something and cheer yourself up too in the process? you are doing enough mourning at other times
hey we have mpd as well..feel free to write us..if u have yahoo messenger..feel free to add art.nsoul .....just let us know who u r and we will add you....always looking to meet others like us...blessings