February 2, 2008

The past few weeks have been really bad. I've lost more weight, still not sleeping or eating much.Every minute in the back of my head, we still think about our old therapist and how she left us. We still have bad dreams about it. We have been reading books on grief, on getting over abandonment; nothing has helped. We have bad stomachaches all the time. We're on more medications for anxiety that don't seem to be working. Our weight is way too low. In a few weeks we're going to a week-long eating disorder workshop, which is a 14-hour a day group therapy treatment place, to try to get started back on recovery. We've been getting sick over and over again.
The "new T"-- we still can't stand her. Don't know if we will stay with her. She isn't Sharon, she isn't someone we have a connection with, and things just aren't clicking. Don't know. But she's supposed to be this "expert" on DID. So far we're unimpressed. On Tuesday we have an appointment with an art therapist, too, and going to give art therapy a try as well... maybe that will help.
About 10 days ago on the way to stupid new T's office, it was at the same time we usually would be sitting in our old T's office for an appointment. We felt so horrible inside. It felt like our heart was being torn apart and inside kids were crying so hard. I was trying so hard to stay composed so I could drive.
On a whim I dialed old T's office just so we could hear her voice on her voice mail.
BUT SHE ACTUALLY PICKED UP THE PHONE.
I said, "omg I'm sorry... we just wanted to hear your voice on your voice mail..."
Of course she knew who it was. I'm sure we sound like we're 12.
She sort of sounded happy to hear my voice...at least, friendly, if nothing else... she said, "Just a minute... I'm on with another call, hold on and I'll be right back."

I was so SHOCKED that she didn't say "You know we cannot talk anymore" and just hang up the phone, you know?
So I waited on hold for 2 1/2 minutes... I was so afraid she wouldn't come back.. but she did.
I told her again, "I'm sorry, we just needed to hear your voice on your answering machine, right now is when we're usually in your office, and this is so hard we can hardly take it."
She said she knew it would be really hard for us and she had talked to our nutritionist (they're friends) and she was proud that we are seeing new T and asked how things were going with that, we said we hate new stupid T and that new stupid T hasn't said or done anything yet that SHE didn't already say and do. She laughed. We told her our weight has dropped more and we're having a hard time eating and sleeping and we are looking into art therapy also, we don't know what to do, but we said we'd give new stupid T a 30 day trial so we're committed to that. Sharon said she was proud of us for committing to 30 days, she knew this was hard, she couldn't think of any better way of ending things than how she did. I told her how each of us inside thinks everything is our fault, even Missy. How we know she always wanted us to all work together inside, well, now we are all working together because we're all against the world and don't trust anyone now especially grown ups and we're just missing her so much, but we're trying. We told her how stupid new T wants to wait til the 30 day trial thing is up to invite her in for a transition session and will she still come even though its that far away, and Sharon said of course she will still come because she said she would.
We didn't want to take up any more of her time. We just told her there is so much we have to say to her, we have been writing her a letter to read at the transition session, and we miss so much even just telling her little things, the kids all miss her too. She said she appreciated getting the thank you note we sent her (through our Nutritionist) last week.
We asked... the questions we always asked her when we were so scared... do you still like us? Do you still care? Did you give up on us? Do you still believe in us? She said she still does like us, and she still cares a lot and wants the best for us, and she didn't give up on us, she still believes in us.
We didn't want to take up all her time so we told her how much we miss her and love her and said goodbye...it was so hard to say goodbye.
But it helped a lot to get to talk to her... because we were so afraid she'd hang up the phone-- she could have easily done that, or been mean, or said "I told you no more contact"... She could have said a lot of mean things.
And at least we got to say a few things.
We still cry all the time. When we have the energy to. Our hearts feel broken.
We just want things to be better. We just want her back.
That's enough writing for today.

Posted by pilgrim at 6:57 PM | Comments (15)

February 3, 2008

Well we're certainly not handling things at all since our T left us.We miss her so much, and think about her so much, but every thought, ever memory, is painful. Its hardest of Mae; Mae adored Sharon, and to now even try to remember good things about therapy or things she learned, or the good things she and Sharon did together, just hurts too much to take. We constantly have stomachaches, eating makes us nauseated. We've lost even more weight, weight we really didn't need to lose, even I can see it at this point. At random times we start crying, Mae cries herself to sleep almost every night. There's so much going on inside. I feel like I'm sinking to the bottom of the ocean. I feel like we're all drowning with no one who can help. Everyone gave up.
Sharon hurt us more than she will ever realize. PLEASE just leave comments about Sharon out of your comments, okay? Don't flame her. SHE thought she was doing something helpful. Or something.
Before things get any worse, we are going for a weeklong program at Shades of Hope which is a treatment center that has an eating disorder workshop that is really intense. They make you work really hard there for 6 days on trying to get to the bottom of what's behind your eating disorder. I called a few days ago to make the arrangements.
We wish we'd known about this before. When we were still seeing Sharon. We would have gone before... and maybe wouldn't have lost her :(
Our stupid insurance won't cover inpatient settings,but this place takes credit cards and its only for 6 days, so thank goodness for credit cards. So we're planning on going and working like crazy, and hoping on getting on track with recovery a little bit. Before we die. In the past 3 weeks we've lost something like 9 pounds. It puts us somewhere like 25 pounds underweight now, and we can't find clothes that fit anywhere, and everything feels hopeless. I don't want our body to feel any worse.

Posted by pilgrim at 9:59 PM | Comments (11)

February 7, 2008

...and I'm still decompensating. Thursdays are the worst because that was "therapy night" from 5-7 pm. And I'm not there anymore. This fact tears my heart out. The inside kids cry so hard. The ache goes down so deep inside it just never ends. And since its been four weeks now its like an "anniversary". I'm having such awful flashbacks of that night. I don't even want to write about it. But things are really bad.
I have been trying to do a lot of things to distract myself and the inside kids. Exercising, going to the store, reading a creative art book by SARK, getting what I need for Shades of Hope. But nothing's working. I'm sitting here trying hard to hold back a river of tears and not succeeding very well.
There's so much we need to talk to her about. So much we miss about therapy and about her. She hurt us so badly. She did such a lousy job of ending therapy. But everything reminds us of it. Everything reminds us of her. We can't even listen to the same music anymore. The kids won't color anymore because it reminds them of therapy. In the past month they've put their toys away. Everything inside and outside has changed. My weight has dropped by a lot. Even I can tell I look terrible.
None of this would have happened if I wouldn't have screwed up so bad. Everything's our fault.
New T is supposed to talk to Sharon to get records and stuff. We hope they have a fabulous time talking about what a damn screwup we are. I hate myself so much.
We miss her so much. We just wish this nightmare would end. We want to wake up.

Posted by pilgrim at 6:02 PM | Comments (4)

February 9, 2008

falling apart tonight. Yah, BIG SURPRISE.
We were writing a new letter to our ex-T (God, I DESPISE writing that) -- to read at our transition session with her with new stupid T (who we still HATE ) . Trying to make this one a little better, writing things we have learned this month, how we are changed in some ways.
Then we had on "The 6th Sense" in the background. The little boy goes to therapy with Bruce Willis. Therapy is ending. He says "I'm not going to see you anymore am I?" :(
The he says, "Lets just pretend we're going to see each other tomorrow." or something like that.
Thats when Mae, hearing the little boy say that, lost it. And I lost it right after that.
We started having flashbacks to our last night with sharon, when she just said "I'm done" "never going to see you again" "not doing this anymore" "bye"
It wasn't supposed to be that way!! Sharon told us that WE would outgrow her! She said that WE would be the ones telling HER goodbye! Not her leaving us!! She said that we would be the one to make the decision to leave her when we were ready.
She LIED. She was always (supposedly) so "honest" with us. So she said. But she lied.

God it hurts so bad. the inside kids are crying so hard and i've been falling apart since then.
I'm so sick of falling apart over every little thing that reminds me of that night :(
i need some good news so bad.
We want sharon back so bad. we want to have a better ending. this way was SO WRONG.
Everything hurts down to the nerves in my skin, down to the core of my heart.
There isn't anyone to talk to and no one's around.
I keep trying so hard. Keeping myself so damn busy that I run around constantly. Try to keep myself so distracted. Try to keep looking up. Keep praying for help to a God who seems to keep taking everyone I love away from me year after year.
Then I got a couple emails from a girl who has been to Shades of Hope (where I'm going next week) and she says its like the BOOT CAMP of all e.d. treatment centers and that I will be confronted about everything, be prepared to cry all week, be prepared to spill your guts all week, the therapists there are compassionate and great but very hard on you, and you do all this in front of all the people in your group, and you have to eat all your food. I am ready to work hard and I want to do this, but I'm still scared out of my mind.

We are so damn ALONE in all of this.

Posted by pilgrim at 10:50 PM | Comments (6)

February 13, 2008

I live in a big city in the USA. To protect my privacy, I won't say where. But all the time, I'm surrounded by people. My school has a lot of kids in it. There's a lot of people on the staff. There are thousands of cars on the road. There are hundreds of thousands of people in the city I live in.
But my phone doesn't ring. I reach out all the time, but its always me calling other people. Got cool ringtones, but I don't hear them. I call people all the time. Text all the time. But they're all people that are far away. Not in my city or even in my state.
It feels like I'm surrounded by people but no one knows me.
This new therapist of mine, I doubt she will ever know me. If I even stick with her, which I don't know. We don't like her, and the kids hate her. They'll never talk to her, I'm sure. They won't even be in the same room. We won't ever discuss anything deep or private with her like we did with Sharon. The people at work are only acquaintances. And trust is gone. We're just too afraid to trust anyone. Its just not going to happen (*please save the lectures on trust, and God; I've heard everything already, thanks*) We only trust ourselves now.
Its funny how you can be surrounded by people all day long but feel like your a million miles away and feel like no one knows you at all. There was 1 person who knew us, and she left. We weren't good enough, or were too stupid, or too screwed up, or just too wrong, or too EVERYTHING, and she left.
Maybe everyone in this world is alone. Maybe everyone in the world is hopeless and has no one. If so, then what's the point in trying to go on?

Posted by pilgrim at 6:47 PM | Comments (2)

February 14, 2008

this is so hard
mae and sharon used to color all the time. sharon still has some of Mae's coloring books. it helped mae so much to sit and color with sharon.
One time, a while ago, Mae accidently broke one of Sharon's crayons.She thought for sure that Sharon would yell at her (like our dad would have) for breaking something. But Sharon didn't-- she encouraged her to break another one. Then she and Sharon sat there breaking crayons on purpose. Mae thought Sharon was crazy. But it was so therapeutic for her. They colored together a lot. It was so helpful and calming.
Since Sharon left us, Mae can't color anymore. She can't even look at her crayons. We have a giant plastic box full of them because we've collected them for years. All kinds of limited edition ones, generic ones, and just about every kind that Crayola has ever come out with.
But they are useless now. Mae can't stand to look at them, because they remind her of Sharon, and Sharon leaving us, and Mae feels terrible and starts to cry. She cries about Sharon leaving her, not wanting her, being like mom and leaving when she said she wouldn't. Mae feels so guilty and bad and terrible, like all of us do.
So tonight Mae broke every single crayon in the great big box. :(
While she broke them she was telling herself things like "Bye Sharon." "Things never gonna be the same." "Her don't ever want to see you again." "You said you didn't gonna go away and you did anyway." "No more drawing pictures." I'm not sure what else she said. I think that she was maybe trying to make up some sort of goodbye ritual... I"m not sure. I don't know if she was trying to punish herself or help herself. Hard to tell because she cried so hard and for so long. I have never seen a kid that can cry so hard.
I hate it when she gets like that.
She saved one crayon. A purple one. It was her favorite color, and our therapist's favorite color too I believe. I'm not sure what she plans to do with it, but right now it's sitting next to the VCD in our art room.
The crayons, all the ones we've collected in the past 20 years, are in tiny pieces and in the trash. As well as a lot of colored pencils. Mae realized how easy things are to break when your heart hurts so bad.
I wish she could have just stayed an innocent 5 year old.
And no, we have no plans to buy new crayons. I have tried, when we're in the store the past few weeks, to get us new crayons, since the old ones make her so sad. She doesn't want any. She doesn't want paints, chalks, or anything else either. I do my own artwork with watercolors and oil paints and everything, but Mae doesn't want to do any artwork anymore.

Posted by pilgrim at 7:47 PM | Comments (8)

February 16, 2008

Right now I need to hear my old therapist's voice so much. I wish I could talk to her so bad. In the morning I'm leaving to go to the weeklong eating disorder workshop and I'm so scared. I'm shaking so hard right now. I'd give anything to hear my ex-therapist tell me me things are going to be okay, to be able to talk to her about how I'm feeling and what's going on like I used to. I wish I wasn't going now. I'm so scared and I wish I could back out. But I promised myself that I would go through with this and do it. And I know I need to go because my body is giving out on me from losing so much weight and not eating. I wish I could talk to Sharon so much. I'm so afraid and she used to be so encouraging. That's one of the things I miss the most. The inside kids are so afraid too. I don't know what its going to be like there. I know its "only 6 days" but I keep hearing about hard hard it's going to be. I wish I could have gotten more done today.I"m only 17 and I have to pretend to be an adult because people think I'm in my 30's and the people there aren't going to understand. My ex therapist understood that. I wish so much I could hear her say "things will be okay Jo." My heart hurts so bad. I wish she hadn't left us. I wish I hadn't screwed up so bad and lost her.
People keep saying that this program is going to be the hardest thing I'll ever do. But the past 5 weeks have been the hardest thing I've ever done, just trying to keep my head above water on my own.
I feel so alone. I am so scared. I hope this program goes ok. I hope that the people there will be nice. I hope I have good news when I get back next week.
God I wish she hadn't left me. I thought they were 1st supposed to "do no harm."
I'm sorry. I'm just an emotional wreck right now. I want to feel safe and I havent' felt safe in a long time.

Posted by pilgrim at 10:59 PM

February 23, 2008

I just wanted to touch base with everyone and say that I'm home. I met some incredible people this week. The therapists at Shades of hope are amazing. Everyone was. If anyone ever has the chance to go to Shades of Hope, give yourself a gift and go. It'll be the best thing you ever do for yourself. I wish I could have that kind of loving support all the time.
I'll write more later. Really lonely right now. As soon as I got home there was a huge trigger just waiting for me. Having a hard time inside right now.
But this week was good. It wasn't that hard. It was so much more calm than our normal life, and so balanced.

Posted by pilgrim at 4:31 PM | Comments (2)

February 28, 2008

.....I can let go and let God (while still praying hard enough to make my brains practically pop out of my ears...)
.... I am a good person who deserves a 2nd chance
.... I know myself inside and out (now, finally!)
.... I am strong enough to take care of the inside kids like a big mama tiger
.... I can do adult things like pay bills, take care of the house, and be a good mom to the inside kids, even on days I don't feel like it, because even regular full grown adults are like that.
.... I can eat even when I am scared and nervous
.... I WILL follow a meal plan.
.... Gaining weight back is an accomplishment in recovering from my eating disorder. Every pound back equals more life.
.... I choose life, even on days when I am tired and grumpy.
.... I can control my thoughts and actions.
.... I know what I need (nowadays)
.... Taking care of myself is a good thing, even bubble baths and massages.

Posted by pilgrim at 1:18 PM | Comments (0)

I went to my nutritionist tonight and started a meal plan. FINALLY. After nearly 8 years of fighting her-- its about time. She said its music to her ears. I'm glad I'm finally in a place where I am able to stop fighting her and just do what I need to do.
The people at Shades of Hope really do work miracles. I wouldn't have been able to make this commitment to myself before. I know I can do it this time. I also know its going to be REALLY hard. I'm kind of scared about it. Its going to be hard, eating everything I'm supposed to. I'm not Carolineine. this is just jo. But this time-- I WANT to do it. I don't want to die. I want to live, no matter how bad life is, I don't want to give up anymore.
Mae is having a hard time tonight. We had a transition session with our old therapist tonight. I have purposely not written much about it anywhere because its been so hard to think about it. I don't really want to go into it right now either. But it went okay, and we said some things we needed to say. The kids really need to talk to her too and they didn't have the chance to yet, but hopefully they will.
Mae was confused about seeing her though. She gave us some big hugs, which was really nice.She acted like her old self. Mae wants to talk to her about some things. Mae just misses her so much.
I learned at Shades of Hope some ways to protect myself/the inside kids.One of the ways is imagining that we have a lead vest (like at the dentist's) over top of us, and it has a little door on the chest. The vest blocks EVERYTHING OUT. But we control the door, and we can open it and close it however we need to, to let things in and out that we want. So now Mae wears this little lead vest, inside her mind, and that helps protect herself. All the little kids do. We all do, actually, And then, I can wrap her in a bigger one if needed, and I also stand just a little bit in front of her all the time to protect her with my arm around her shoulder inside. I don't ever leave her side even when she is out talking. I think that helps her.
There's so much on my mind tonight. I'm trying real hard to stay calm and stay in the moment. Trying not to worry about tomorrow, and just enjoy that I'm sitting here watching Oprah and enjoying my warm pajamas and go read for a bit.
jo

Posted by pilgrim at 6:18 PM | Comments (1)

February 29, 2008

I'm ready to say goodbye to my eating disorder I've had for over 20 years. This is the 1st time I've ever felt this way. The week at Shades of Hope made such a difference inside of us. And before we left--especially the middle and end of January-- things were just SO bad. That was the bottom of everything. I never want to get that bad again. I never want my weight to get that low again. I never want to feel that horrible again. There were no lower sizes to wear at the stores. There was nothing less to eat than nothing. Then we went to Shades determined to work as hard as we could and do everything we could to get better. We ate everything every day. And we didn't gain a pound. We found out we could eat and not gain weight. Last night I went to see my nutritionist and got started on a meal plan. I told her that I'm willing to eat and work the meal plan and everything.
She doesn't have to fight with us anymore.
We're not fighting inside anymore either.
At Shades we did this psychodrama where someone was whispering all these eating disorder thoughts and words into my ear. I kept telling it to go away, but they kept coming back even after I pushed it away. So I just got up after a second and walked across the room and left it behind. The therapists said out of everyone there, they'd never seen anyone just get up and walk away from their eating disorder like that. I felt strong.
I know I can do it in real life too.
I've been eating good this week and I'm proud of that.
It feels like each pound gained back will be an accomplishment. It's still going to be hard though. I know that eating disorder will still give me a hard time and try to make me really scared and worried and panicky. I think I might have times of relapses and times where I want to give in. But I don't have to give in for good.
But this is what I know now: that wasn't a life I had. That was death. And I don't want death. I don't want to be told I look like a walking skeleton anymore.
I want to look and feel healthy.
So I'm saying goodbye to that anorexia that was eating away my body and my brain and my life. I am going to be healthy instead. I don't need the eating disorder to speak for me anymore. I can use my voice, and not my body, to talk and tell people what I want and need.
Finally.

Posted by pilgrim at 2:43 PM | Comments (4)