January 8, 2008

So upset.
I'm down a long long tunnel spaced out so its hard to write.
this is jo.
i'm so disappointed and let down and feeling so worried and sick inside.

went back to therapy tonight after 3 weeks
supposed to be good right? so much to talk about.
1st 98% of the session went ok. our Therapist seemed normal.
ooohed and aaahed over family pictures from christmas, acted nice. ACTED. ACTED like she was glad to see me.
at the end time to go she drops a bomb on me
she wants my husband to come to next session
why? i ask.
she wont tell me
WHY? what's UP?
she won't tell me-- not going to tell you now w/out him here and its time to go home
WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME AT THE BEGINNING OF SESSION?
not going to talk about it now
WHAT?
she wanted his phone number and maybe he could come next week
oh no not waiting til next week for this to hang over my head. so at least she put us down for thursday. he has to take off work early. shit.

she refused to tell me why or about what she wants to meet with us both for. she wouldn't say anything.
then says she doesn't know if she can see me next week or the week after either because of her schedule being messy
THEN says her schedule is going to be changing

by then i was a basket case
i told her YOU KNOW that i just got done telling you how i am already worried sick about things coming up with work next week and how i'm sick to pieces over things going on so NOW you are adding this to the pile too?
she said, "I'll see you Thursday."
I said, "I HATE IT when I can't trust you."
She said, "I know."
i didn't even give her a hug on the way out like usual and the kids had been aching for a hug so had I and so had mae been especially
I don't understand
1)what she wants to meet with us about together
2) why she acted like that at the end? was the whole "being nice" during the rest of the session a trick?
I feel like I can't trust her anymore.
3) why would she DO that, add more on which she knows is going to make me worried sick when we just got done telling her how we have all these heavy things going on that are making us worried sick and we're barely functioning and i'm just ready to give in and i don't know what to do and things HAVE to get better?
4)why didn't she just say something at the beginning of the session instead of drop a bomb at the end when she KNOWS things like that make us really upset??

i tried calling someone twice on the way home but couldn't leave messages even, i tried calling my sister, she thinks its about my weight, my husband says worrying isn't going to help anything.
Worse than worrying about all that is the fact of how my T ACTED. What HAPPENED? Did I do something wrong? Say something? What is going ON?
And why would she DO that? We can't trust her anymore!
What if her schedule changes bad and she can't see us anymore? We didn't even get a chance to ask her. She was all of a sudden rushing us out.

I'm not handling it ok at all. Things have been going pretty bad at work. My resources are low.
I can't handle another thing. I need to disappear and get away.
Not safe at all. I can't do it anymore.

we were looking forward to seeing her tonight so much.
I cant trust anyone.
i dont know what to do.
:(

Posted by pilgrim at 9:22 PM | Comments (4)

January 10, 2008

My therapist dumped me tonight. She wanted our husband there in case we freaked out. Even though she said she wouldn't ever do it, she did. Just like everyone else does. We can't trust anyone. Now her too. We can't contact her anymore. Never again. Everything is a complete wreck inside. The screaming is so bad. I'm ready to die. I'm ready to give up this second. My husband is sitting right by me to keep me safe.
The inside kids are screaming, running, banging on things, hurting so bad. There is complete chaos inside. Claire, who had started talking to Sharon just 2 months ago, has decided she will never talk again. Mae tried talking to Sharon. She asked her to please don't leave me. Sharon SAID something about this being really hard for her to do. Then why do it? Duh.
She said she wouldn't do this anymore. She said "I'm done." She said there is nothing we can do (gain weight, go inpatient,etc) to get us to be able to stay with her. She said she's been through her bag of tricks, there's nothing else she can do to help us.
Never mind that the things she was doing for the kids-listening to them-- was helping so much.

Everything was a big trick. All her words. About trust and learning about people and wisdom and working together and everything. It was all a big trick. Tomorrow, I'm going to throw out all my therapy books.
She gave a list of therapists. Legally she is supposed to I believe, that's the only reason she did it I'm sure. She'll go to ONE "transition" appointment with us. I think she's supposed to do that too.Along with the list was a 2 page list of all our transgressions and sins. She tried to end the letter with a "you have a lot of gifts" and how she wishes us the best.
You think that's what we'll remember?
Only now we realize what a fool we were. How foolish-- getting the kids to talk to her, trying to establish trust, trying to form a relationship with a grown up. We're idiots. It was a huge trick, and we were damn fools to fall for it.
We're trying to convince ourselves that Sharon is dead.
Just like Katie, and other people who have dumped us. They're all dead to us. Just like Sharon is now. It will maybe make it easier, because we can never see us again.
This was the worst case scenario I have been trying to avoid for years. And now it happened.
And I don't know what to do.
I foolishly trusted Sharon enough to think that she wouldn't ever do this to us.
We can't stop crying.
There's no point in trying anymore. We LIVED for those Thursday appointments. She was the only real-life support we had. And now its gone.
We figure that the only thing we can do is shove things back down inside, where they should have stayed in the 1st place.
Who cares. I don't anymore.
There's no point anymore.
I can't believe she did this. She said she wouldn't. We loved her. Now like everyone else, she left us.

Posted by pilgrim at 6:15 PM | Comments (7)

January 11, 2008

I only got 3 hours of sleep last night. I kept having nightmares about my therapist telling me, "I'm done." and her saying she wasn't going to work with me anymore. I can't believe she said those words. I keep trying to remember the other words she said-- like when we gave each other a hug and said goodbye and i love you. All I can think of is how I can never talk to her or e mail her again or call her or see her or be in her safe office again. Her office was the only safe place. We opened up our hearts to her and told her a bunch of the secrets about the bad people. The kids trusted her.
The inside kids are so upset that they didn't get to say goodbye. Claire is so upset that she took such a big risk before Christmas to say a few words to Sharon, the first time she ever talked to ANYBODY with her voice, and look what has happened. She says she's never going to talk again to anyone. The kids are just in despair.
I want to just give up. There doesn't seem to be any point anymore.
We all worked SO damn hard in therapy. Opened up everything. Everything inside our mind and poured it out, and all she did was stomp on it and not want us anymore.
I am throwing away all my therapy books that she recommended I read. No more "Courage to Heal" and all those-- I'm burying all that again, where I guess it should have stayed all along. I'm not doing it again. All that hard work with Sharon the 1st time-- it was so hard.
The only thing I will keep is a drawing that Sharon and Mae did together... because Mae loves it so much... and a rock that says "Hugs" we got from her a long time ago that we carry with us everywhere we go.
Sharon was a good person. A good therapist. More than we deserved.
I can't stop crying. I can't stop crying.
I prayed so hard earlier this week for God to make things better for me just a little bit this week-- because work is getting more and more stressful and I have less help-- and I was going to be needing more support in the coming up weeks. Instead, I got my support taken away.
I don't trust God anymore either.
It feels like my whole future has changed-- and not for the better. I needed more help, but not I have even less. I have none.
I have no one. Again.
I need to go away-- far away.
She was just like everyone else. I'm not going to believe another word anyone says again. I'm not going to trust anyone anymore. Its not worth it. Everyone just hurts me. I can't do it anymore.

Posted by pilgrim at 6:35 AM | Comments (8)

January 12, 2008

Time is going by so slow. It feels like we're moving through molasses. Still no sleep and not much food inside.. Inside kids just cry and cry. Even though I take sleeping pills, I can't sleep still-they're not working. Barely eating. We just can't believe our therapist ditched us. She tried to get us to believe that she was safe. I feel so jaded, so foolish, so afraid. Eating is nearly impossible because my stomach hurts so bad. The inside kids keep crying, "we just want Sharon" no matter how I try to comfort them. Nothing works. I'm exhausted.
Everything feels hopeless.
It feels like I am just too much of a hopeless case for anyone to ever help. Things feel worse of than before we started therapy 8 years ago.
We put away a bunch of things that we made over the years for therapy.Things that reminded us of all the hard work we did-- projects, artwork, because the kids would start to cry all over again when they'd once again realize they've been left by another person. That someone else will be in their spot, take their place, touch their toys in there, be hugging THEIR T.
She said "Its because I care so much that I'm doing this." "I failed" "This is hard for me too". But what keeps giving us the nightmares is her saying "I'm not going to see you any more " and "I'M DONE." The part where her heart turned off and she said, "I'm done." She just dumped us. It makes my heart ache so bad I can feel it through my whole body.
We keep trying to remember her saying, "I'll miss you too" and how she said she'll never forget us. We keep trying to remember her saying "I love you too" when we gave her 1 last hug.
But right now that "I'm done" and the 'never see you again".... it overpowers and makes the whole world look like its ending.
i want to feel better. i do.
After 8 years. this just feels hopeless right now.

Posted by pilgrim at 7:22 PM | Comments (8)

January 16, 2008

Its been a week since my therapist left me and I'm not doing any better yet. I'm not eating or sleeping yet. I don't think I've ever been this exhausted or sick feeling. Even when I want to eat, I have a very hard time forcing anything down. My nutritionist wants me just sipping some yucky Ensure. Gross. I have seen a new T for DID 3 times this week alone. She was 1 my therapist had recommended. I do not like her at all. She doesn't know about eating disorders. We're not comfortable there. Her office, her approach, her EVERYTHING is ALL WRONG. and I do want to like her but i just dont. just want MY T. The kids dont want her, dont want to trust her, dont want to let her know anything about themselves. They told her tonight they dont want her to know anything about them, they don't like her, she can't trick them into talking, they don't want her to know anything about inside., they only what S back, they're not going to tell her about their secrets, and I dont know what else. It wasn't good. We just want old T back. Thats all.There's more to it all than that, but we're way too tired to write anything else, we're so tired it just feels like if we could only sleep, we'd sleep for 100 years.

Posted by pilgrim at 5:35 PM | Comments (1)

January 17, 2008

Something my "new Therapist" said is bugging us so much. I dont know what the question originally was but then she said, "But what would I think?" I told her "I don't care." WHo CARES what she thinks? There's only a few people we care what they think of what we do. Our old T, our nutritionist, a few people in our family. Thats IT. NOT her. She's a new person, we don't know her, she doesn't know us, we don't CARE what she thinks. If she doesn't like us, who cares. If she wants to dump us too, who cares.
Husband and another person say we should care what she thinks. Why?
We are too scared to trust someone else or let someone else in or ....even to scared to move too fast or turn our backs on someone or ANYTHING. Too scared to believe anything positive someone says... too afraid of everything right now. Everything hurts so much.
I need to talk to my old T right now SO BAD. I need to ask her, why should I care what this new T thinks? Why is all this happening?
i just miss my old t so much. Its been "only" a week but it feels like forever. My heart hurts so much.
Why should it matter what this new T thinks. why does anything matter anymore.

Posted by pilgrim at 10:41 AM | Comments (4)

January 19, 2008

It feels like everything in the whole world is different. It seems like everything is strange. No one is acting right. Tonight the kids saw all kinds of sparkly fairies with lights shining on them. Things that normally they’d go crazy for. Usually the inside kids go nuts oohing and aahing over anything like that and begging us to buy them those things. Tonight, they saw these shiny sparkly fairies, and they were so quiet. They just looked and didn’t say anything…it was so strange. I offered to buy them anything they wanted. They still didn’t say anything. Evenour husband asked us if there was anything we wanted. Usually, we’d have a hard time deciding, and beg for 3 or 4 sparkly things. Tonight, even the kids were like, “It doesn’t matter, it is ok… we don’t need anything.” I tried to explain to husband… they kids are too sad. They were saying how it doesn’t matter anymore, they don’t have anyone to show their toys to, they don’t want any more toys—the other night they were offering to get rid of their toys if we needed the money. They had wanted to bring some of their toys from Christmas in to show our old T, and hadn’t got the chance, and they’d been so excited. Now they don’t feel like playing with their dolls. Mae is so depressed she doesn’t care about sparkly things anymore. It is just so unusual that I don’t even know what to say. Finally we got a little necklace that has a fairy holding a little bottle of glitter…its supposed to be magic fairy dust. I told the kids, “Its for good luck.” They said they didn’t think it would work. I felt so miserable. I’m trying to smile, I don't want anyone to know outside how depressed I am, and … keep the inside kids from withdrawing farther, from being as jaded and cynical as I am… and I don’t think its working. I keep telling them, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.

Do you remember, did we ever tell you about our driving dreams?… about the nightmares about driving on the highways, only we’d be in the backseat of the car, someone else driving, and then all of a sudden, it’d be our turn to drive—but we were stuck in the back seat. And we’d be trying to get to the front of the car, but we couldn’t see the road…and trying to drive, from the back, on a road we couldn’t see. And the nightmares would be about falling off the road, and crashing, and we’d be trying so hard to stay on the right path.
Now we’re having that nightmare again but with a new variation… now we’re in the back seat of an RV, not just a car. And there are more people in there with us. And we have to drive but we’re in the backseat, but there’s farther to reach to get to the front where the steering wheel is.
Only now, from the outside, the road has sea serpents and crocodiles down in trenches on the sides of the highway, and a black hole trying to suck us backwards. Now trying to stay on the right path, on the road… its harder, and scarier… because its louder inside the car and scarier, and there’s more enemies out there trying to suck us down. We scream “Help me, help me” but the black hole from behind keeps whirling around trying to suck us backwards and down.
I’m so terrified. I’m so exhausted. I don’t know what to do.

Posted by pilgrim at 7:56 PM | Comments (6)

January 21, 2008

Went to see stupid new T today. hate all this. go in there and feel like gravity weighs too heavy on me, so hard like i cant move. fall down inside a tunnel and my head spins so much, everything goes black and i'm so far away. My chest gets so heavy. I can't breathe. Everything is just WRONG. Gravity is so heavy that I can't move my legs, my chest fills up with hate for the whole world. My field of vision narrows so much that I can't see anything but little pinpoints on my lap. Everyone inside goes on the defensive. Kids cry for Sharon, thats all they want. We hate ourselves. Everything we did wrong. This place isn't right. This isn't Sharon. The whole time there, I can't breathe. My ears got all plugged up. It didn't help that I still haven't slept, have a bad cold, still can't eat, and inside there's a tornado. It isn't my voice that comes out: you don't know anything. Sharon dumped me on you because you're supposed to be so well trained in DID and so far you haven't told me anything that she didn't already know. I AM listening. Everything this new T has said, Sharon already knew. Whats the point in being here? We should be back with our old T because she knew more than you! This being dumped was even more pointless!
New T goes on about stupid things. Sharon already taught me that, this, that, and that that. What am I even HERE for? She's supposed to be more qualified than Sharon? At WHAT? I heard myself telling her again: You don't know anything, you don't know me, Sharon knew me, I don't know you, we don't want to be here.
We hate ourselves so much. We want to die. If we didn't have this stupid DID then maybe we wouldn't have gotten dumped by so many people in our life. Why can't we just have been one of those people you come across who is just faking it for attention?! Why do we have to have DID for real? Its not FAIR.
We HAVE to give new T a chance. We don't have Sharon. We're not going to get Sharon back. We might as well work with this new T. Give her a chance. So why are we acting like this?
I told her I'm sorry she gets stuck with me, a stupid moody teenager with a bad attitude. I do and say everything wrong. If Carolineine was here, she'd at least be nice.
Everything hurts so much.
We tell new T: we hate people. We hate you. We don't trust anyone. We only trust animals. That's all.
We just want to die. We just want to die.

we just miss sharon so much. and so exhausted. Nightmares keep waking us up, the kids cry and cry, when am i ever going to sleep. I feel so sick, a giant shelf fell on top of me today, I got summoned to jury duty, work is overwhelming, and it feels like God is either gone or trying to kill me. It feels like the whole world is ending. it might as well be.

Posted by pilgrim at 5:18 PM | Comments (4)