My therapist called 911
i'm so scared that my therapist hates me. she called 911 on me tonight. couldnt stop dissociating after an intense session. she found mae and mindy out front. i can't remember what they said. but it was something about waiting for mom to pick them up, i'm not sure why. it was late and dark, and i'm so scared of the dark. why the heck would they be out in the dark waiting for mom. i don't know for sure. So T didn't want to deal with them, or I dont know, too tired or too sick of us or who knows what. She called 911. The flashing lights of the fire truck and the siren on the ambulence were so scary, everyone inside was so freaked out. She was telling them I think what hospital to take me too. I could hear but couldn't stop spacing out. People talking all around me but not too me. Talking at me like I was an idiot. I remember being in my car crying because i just know everyone's going to hate me now. How could it have come this. Everyone inside is so humiliated and embarassed. T had to call our husband and have him drive all the way out there to pick us up. Husband talked to me on the phone and got mae to agree to be good and go away. So I got to come back out. Still in huge dang trouble :(
We had to wait a long time. I'm so spcaed out and headachey. At least my therapist isn't going to charge me for the extra time of hers we took up while we waited. Carolineine and I talked to her about school, our niece who is a genius. I apologized a million times. She SAYS I didn't do anything wrong. Really? Her face didn't say so. Sometimes though when our T is scared she looks mad. . .. i dont know. She looked pissed off a lot of the time. I dont know. They were talking about sending me to the psyche ward if hubby didn't come pick us up. At least we didn't have to go there.
I don't want to ever get out of bed again. I am so humiliated. Hubby tried to be helpful. Tried to tell me there's nothing to be embarassed about. BUt I think that, unless you've HAD 911 called on you, and had to go through that total humiliation, and asked the stupid global orientation questions, and had them talk to you like you're an idiot, and have your own therapist have someone come out to help HER and make sure SHE'S okay, while you sit in your car by yourself and cry, and your therapist leaves you alone to do so and looks like she can't stand you now, then I DONT think you quite GET IT.
This was about the last thing I needed right now, with so much stress going on at work and inside already. :(
i honestly don't know what to do.
What if she wants to get rid of me now? What if she uses this for ammunition against me, under the guise of "helping?"
There's so much I want to talk to her about, but I'm too humiliated and embarassed to. I'm afraid to e-mail her or leave a message or antyhing. I'm too scared.
I'm afraid to talk to her anymore, even though I need to so bad.
She wants our HUSBAND to call her early in the week and check in with her. Note: NOT US.
this is so humliating. i can't think of enough bad words about how i feel . except i hate myself more than ever now.
She probably wants to get away from me anyway. She probably really needs a break from me.
I need a break from me too. I want to just get away and never be seen again.
Posted by pilgrim | Filed under:
pilgrim,
try to consider that there are alot of unknowns in your post. it seems to me that you don't yet have a full picture of what has happened and therefore, it may just be that your T realizes that you can't be objective. whatever came out was serious enough to cause a reaction that was none like you have described before. i'm sure she's looking out for your best interests. trying to make sure that she has an objective opinion about how you are coping and how you are adjusting to what occurred.
so give yourself time to adjust. try not to write everything off too fast. allow time for adjustment and see how it falls out.
hello pilgrim
i agree with jax (and this is not going to be sorted by a sandwich - i'm not saying that in a judgmental tone of voice, by the way, but in a very compassionate one that knows that control of the body and food is no substitute for really loving yourself and listening to other parts instead of trying to keep them quiet with food).
Can you talk to the little ones and asked them what happened? Having 911 called for you is something so serious, you might even ask Caroline to take a day off so that you can do some journalling, poetry or whatever helps the little ones to talk and tell you where they went that your counsellor was so scared for you she called the emergency services.
They do not have to tell us what was going on for them, you can if you want. But please listen to them rather than escape off into food control (I am NOT saying you don't deserve that chicken sandwich, but they deserve to be heard not ignored because of it)
Love
Anna and co
Okay now I understand what happened in your other post about not wanting to see your T. It sounds like Mae might have been talking about something super heavy and just got scared and wanted mom? And she wouldn't go inside because all she wanted was mom? I can't imagine how scary all of this would be for you. I'm not sure if your T made the right call in phoning 911 but maybe she was really frightened that something irreversible had happened? I don't know, but maybe she should have called DH first? Just remember that it's a normal human emotion to be frightened for someone and maybe your T (since I think you are her only patient with DID?) just didn't know the right thing to do? I really believe that you guys can get through this. It must get worse before it can ever get better. Don't stop trying. Everyone has moments like this...maybe not the same situation, but the same kinds of feelings. E-mail me if you want/can. I know there are things you don't always want to let me know, but just know I am here if you do decide you want to. I'll never, ever, ever judge you.
Love,
Your Sis
I'm so sorry that you had a negative experience. I empathize with your feeling of humiliation and I wish I could take that away for you. Your anxiety about seeing your T next time is understandable. Call her in between if it will help you, there's no point putting yourself through all the ADDITIONAL discomfort if it can be helped. Thinking of you.
I'm sure your T isn't wishing for a break from you. She must care about you or she wouldn't have called anyone to help you. Maybe she should've called your husband first, but she was probably scared for you. I hope you can figure out what your other parts were discussing so that maybe you can resolve something inside. I pray for calmness for you!
Yeah. I had 911 called on me twice. Once because I OD'd in my therapist's office and she DID dump me as a patient because of it. After she said I gave her sadistic thoughts and emotionally blackmailed her. Yeah. I have healthy therapy now and hopefully can stay out of the hospital from now on.